The Letter

Last night I stumbled over a letter I wrote Vivian only a week after she had left for New Zealand. I had forgotten about it completely, so I read it. It didn't take me long before tears were streaming down my face. I cried, and even laughed.

I couldn't stop thinking about her all day today. I tried to switch my thoughts to other things, but it proved exhausting, so I just let myself think. I though about all sort of weird things. Things from, would things be the same if she were to come back to life which thankfully won't happen. She deserves her rest... to how are things going to go on the trip next week with her being gone. Its just all part of my process. Sometimes the devil I think tries to challenge things, to mess me up even more, but I just pray and cling to what I know.

I still miss her so terribly. I am so thankful for the hope I have, and the understanding I have, but the pain is still so deep, and the loneliness of her not being here is so deep that some times its overwhelming. I can't help but think it will be easier after this trip, and after the schools graduation, and after she is finally resting in her final resting place. I hate the fact that I can't go and place flowers on her grave yet, and maybe that is part of my problem. It just seems so unfinished some how. And just thnking aobut that got me thinking about when will it be? Who will be there... more importanly... will _I_ be able to be there when she is burried, or will I have to go later. Both ways will be good in their own respect. Alone I can be free to cry, free pour my heart out when I have held it back in silence so long.

Its so hard for me. So few know how our relationship was, and they do not understand. They hurt, and I tend to their pain the best I can, but no one yet has been able to touch the pain I have. I have turned my heart in the Gods hands, and he has helped me each and every time.

I also have a small amount of guilt, because I have shared more than If eel I should have with people. This isn't about me, and I never meant to make it about me. I just desperately needed someone to understand... I forgot that He is the one to talk to, he is the one who cares. And He knows how and with whom I should have been sharing.

I have found a couple of people who were and are willing to let me talk... to let me heal. And I am ever so grateful for their kindness. It is so hard when you have a love so deep that can't be shared about. It's going to take me time to adjust to all these new gifts and sensations that have come from Gods gift... the answer to my prayer after Vivian died... and I truly as of yet, do not understand why he gave me my prayer request, and how he expects me to use it. All I know is He did.

I have to imagine that Elisha felt something of the same kind of loss and confusion as he dealt with the same gift, only he knew why he asked for it. I don't know why I asked for it, but I craved it, and I begged for it. I decided that I must read through their story again, and then the live of Elisha after to find out how his gift was used.

I feel as if God has set me aside, hidden me  behind a wall of safety my whole life for some special plan, and then all of a sudden that wall has fallen a way, at what seems to be my weakest point, and I am exposed, raw, and naked. Only... I am not afraid. I can see His hand working, its just so new, and uncertain. I can see pieces of the puzzle fitting into place... and its almost intimidating. Dreams He gave me years ago have come true, other more recent ones have showed he is still in control and leading, even though they were incredibly painful to experience both in the dream, and as they happened."Many things about tomorrow, I cant seem to understand. But I KNOW who holds tomorrow and I KNOW who holds my hand"

I do no know why losing one of my two best friend ( my husband being my other best friend),  the other half of my heart, was part of the plan, and I wish it didn't have to be this way, but I have to trust HE knows best. YAH is in control. And he WILL get me through not only the greife, but the healing, and he will also hold my hand as we travel the last pages of this earths history together.

HALLELU YAH

Sabbath -non rest- rest day.... :D

 

Today I had my last concert of the year. We sang two songs after church, and then had concert in a small church with good acoustics in town. I have been sick, well not really sick just not 100% as afar as allergies or what have you, for the past two weeks, so my voice gave out on the last song. Could still speak, mind you, just couldn't find the voice to sing the last 2 bars. 

We arrived an hour early, as we were unsure what time I was to get there, so I sat out behind the school you see above, wrote a journal entry and enjoyed the view. Got to see my best freinds boys today, which was wonderful, but we all had to many thigns to do and to many people demanding our time, that we only got tos ay hi, grin across the room and wave. However we made appointsments with the olderone to visit on the mission trip. 8 hours one way on a bus... I am sure there will be time then.

Going to go eat and dig in to a bible study. Have lots to sort out. This holiday stuff has got me edgy!

cheers

Belifes, and clashes

Doesn't this little guy just make you grin? Sure did me. This past week had been a bit heavy for me. After my conversation with God last Thursday, and my eyes being opened to the fact that I may have been worshiping gods from the other side of Jordan ( Joshua 24:15) I have been studying.

Last night I realized that I had been worshiping false gods, on occasion, with out even knowing it. That was tough. Its hard to realize that. I understand how people feel when they are presented with a bible truth that they are not aware of, and then they are forced to make a mental transormation... should I follow or should I ignore. Its not an easy one. I ended up taking a midnight walk last night to quiet it all.

Today I was woken with a message from a friend. She wanted to go walking. So we did! We had a fun time, chatted, petted a horse, and then got caught in a thunderstorm. It is so much fun.

I am currently resting my legs, cooking sweet potato soup ( with carrots, onions, garlic and orange peppers) and enjoying the afternoon. In a few hours I have choir practice, then I will come home, make a light supper and fold my laundry and clean up my kitchen.

Only two week to go until Impact! 18 days in fact. Looking forward to it.

My birthday dinner/trip

Three lettuces salad with fresh mozzarella and grilled cherry tomatoes

 My wonderful husband treated me to a trip to Copenhagen, on a mini cruise. The first night was simple. We ate deli sandwiches, ordered non-acholic drinks from the bar and listened to the oldies band. By 11 we were asleep.

Curried vegetables and tofu balls

 Kyrre woke me on my birthday. He never wakes up early, but thankfully he did this day as my alarm didn't go off. We got up, dressed and enjoyed a lovely buffet breakfast. By 10 am we were in Coppenhagen and searching out the Round tower. We spent about an hour in the tower taking in the view, imagining what the town must have looked like in the 1800's when the visitor we were thinking about was there, and taking pictures/video.

Vanilla Bean ice cream, three berry passion-fruit sauce, and a lava chocolate cake

 We spent the day hiking up and down the cobbled stone streets looking through shops and taking in the sites. At one point the guard changed at the palace and we followed them down the street. It was rather fun chasing them down and listening to the music.

Not a drop left

That night we ate supper after a mid afternoon nap. As you can see from the pictures, it was fantastically good. The restaurant was the most expensive when we had ever eaten on, but as it was on the boat I choose it over the all you could eat buffet. It felt more romantic and celebratory.  After dinner kyrre and I walked around the boat, bought some snakcs and played a game togheter until the band came back on. I was exhuasted from theday and turned in at 10.

The next morning we woke and showered, headed to breakfast, packed up and then enjoyed watching Norway come back into view. I got a frantic call from my boss asking when I was coming into work, so I headed there as soon as I got home and worked until 7. thankfully we got a 4 day weekend after that. 
I took over 100 pictures on this trip, so I don't think I will post many more on here!

All in all it was a wonderful trip and I was so pleased to get it as a gift. I don't really feel one year older, but I am now. Although I do feel like I experienced a lot more than usual in my last year!

Sunday

Its Sunday. I had a very fun weekend. Sabbath we went to a friends house for sabbath lunch and ended up staying and talking until 2am! I have not done that in AGES..... But I had some good healing time.

Been tired today though, surprise surprise, but I still managed to get alot of house work done.

The neighbors had a birthday party for their 2 year old and invited us out for cake. We accepted and took with us Banana/blackberry ice cream made with rice milk, and no added sugars. They all really liked it.
The baby girl, 5 months, latched on to me, and I got to play with the other two as well.

I know I promiced to write about my trip to Coppenhagen, haven't managed to get to that yet. Hope to soon.

A medical missionary should never feel guilty for the work they have done

 

For over six months now a conversation has played in the back of my mind. The circumstances and individuals involved are not important.... only that found peace today.  I have been praying about it, trying to find out if I had really done something wrong in a situation I felt I had done the right thing. I am assured now, that I did not do anything wrong, but this incident has cost me the trust in an individual I would rather have kept it with.. on both sides. For now I find that I question motives, and thoughts, and at a job where the situation should have been accepted and praised, and where the person who has criticized me for the incident should have taken care of them-self.

I had been given a job to do. An individual who worked there, had a minor face surgery that day. With in 15 mins of arriving back from her surgery, she began acting very unlike herself. It was more and more clean over the next hour that she needed to be put to bed. Thankfully I had completed 95% of my job, finishing the largest part with her help... at my protest, and so I asked the others on my team if they felt they could handle the last small half hour job so that I could put her to bed. They had also noticed that she was not in her right mind, and agreed. So I took her to her room, and gave her a massage until she finally rolled over and fell asleep.

It took an hour, and after wards I found out that she didn't remember anything from the rest of that day except that I had taken her to her room and given her a massage. She didn't even remember us talking, or any work she did that day after she woke up.  She had been very desperate to have me with her before I took her to her room. 

This is a form of medical missionary work. I was not able to do anything else for her that day, but helping her get to sleep, easing discomfrot, fear/nervousness, and bringing a since of calm to a hurting individual _IS_ medical missionary work. 

That morning when I woke up, I had surrendered my day to Gods hands and asekd Him to show me what he wanted me to do. This was what I was impressed to do. I had covered my bases so that others were not weighd down with extra work, but this was not noticed, and I am still being seen as one who cannot carry their weight of the work.

 Let me ask you this. Was I am Martha or a mary in this situation? Did I handle it right? 

I for one no longer feel guilty about it, in fact I am happy that I was able to be Gods hands at that moment for that hurting confused soul. I am saddened as the individual who has on 3 separate occasions commented on that particular moment as being a reason I am not a stable person, should have seen the situation and been there to help. After all they had worked with the individual for 8 years. 2 years longer than I had even know her, and they didn't even notice she was not herself.

 

Titles can be difficult to find

I am now 31. Oddly enough, I always thought that you turned into an adult at 30. Anyone could guess why, I havn't the faintest clue. I mean... I married at 25 so, shouldn't I have been an adult then? I find myself doing or saying things that I think are childish... but then i realize that I am not childish. Just playful. I know many adults like that... ones that don't allow the world to bog them down, and allow them selves to have fun or think out side of the modern day box.

But there are moments I wonder.... wonder if I am useing myself to the full potential I am now, and allowing myself to be molded into a new form with even more potential.

I have been at my "job" for nearly 9 months now. And I find that I still don't know what the others do. I start to chide myself on this, but then I remember... all of them have worked here for 10 years or more! It's not wise to pick on myself for not remembering how much a shirt costs off the top of my head, or yarn for that matter. There is always lots to learn.

The above picture found itself on to my computer a while back. It was so naturally, serene, peaceful. Just looking at it made me desperately want to go out walking through the woods. I haven't done much of that lately. The reason being it takes 20 mins to walk to the nearest woods, and then an hour or more around that stretch. It doesn't sound long, granted, but usually I have time in the evenings and my feet are already killing me from standing on them all day. So I go out for a walk by our house. I also do not want to walk through the woods there just yet. I am not used to walking them alone, and since my wakling buddy is no longer around, I am trying to train in my hubby. He is doing really well, but some things are not quite on the book yet.

Saturday he slept in, and we missed church. So we packed a pick nick and headed in to a different stretch of woods. We walked for 3 hours... hiked is more like it. We decided to follow this road we had never seen before, then cut across the top of the lake to find our way back from a cabin we had seen on the other side. Apparently the cabin is rarely used as there wasn't a clear path to go back on. We ended up forging our way and although it only took an hour and a half, I am quite certain we walked close to 3 if you considered the zigzag formation we had to take up and down hills and around swamps. The miracle was we only saw 1 mosquito the entire time.

My husband took me to Coppenhagen for my birthday. I want to tell you about it, but I have been neglecting my house and only have a few hours left before my 4 day weekend is gone. I should run to it. Will update on the trip later.

I will say though that I have been doing much better. I am finding that I am happy again. Sadness will always linger around corners, but my overall view is happy.  I look at the world around us and see where we are, and it makes me wonder why I am so concerned about some things that worry me. But I am finding it easier and easier to let go and smile. Still looking for work, so that is something to remember for me.