One month later

It has been a long month for me. It seems odd that it has been exactly one month since I last posted, but at the same time so many things have happened, that its not really surprising I haven't written it all down. The trouble is, I really do not have the time now either.

It's nearly midnight. Why I am up this late, writing a blog is beyond me, but here I sit. As I think about all the things I have been through and learned the past five months, it hardly covers what I learned in the past month. I have been faced with my good and less positive sides more times in the past month than I had in the past  five. Things that I had done, without even realizing them to be less than appropriate were shoved in my face at the most horrible times, and I found I had to fight my loss, gaining closure and my own mistakes and insecurities all at the same time. this left me reeling, and even now, I find that I struggle to find a balance.

I have always been a very careful person. One who tries desperately to care for those around me rather than to put my own comfort first. This was not completely the case during my grieve period. Yes I still tried my hardest to care for those around me who were hurting, but I found for once that I desperately needed to be cared for, and that when not receiving what I believed I needed, may have taken advantages i never would have done if in a right mind. I even caught my self thinking, and once voicing the fact that I felt Vivian herself would have forgiven, but may not have approved. This was again shown when a dream that has haunted me since childhood once again resurfaced with Vivian as the main character. This too left me shaken.

But I must say, that even though there were conflicts over these mistakes in the family, and misunderstandings at the school, I was finally granted permission to attend Vivian's burial. I needed it for me, but I had gone also for the students. I fear I was not as much of a support to them as I wanted to be, but hopefully time will erase this, and leave in it stead the helping hand and shoulder of comfort I was during other times of need.

The school trip, IMPACT, was a success. I admit I was afraid it would not do as well with out Vivian's hand, and yes it was not nearly as strong as it has been in the past, but there was a new fire. Many had taken the responsibility of taking the flame, and the individual who took her position in the board, did a fantastic job. I was truly proud of her willingness and accomplishment.

One day before the trip I was told the cook was not able to come, and the cooking, for 80 youth, was dumped in my lap. Granted I did say yes, but I also knew there was no one else who could be called on short notice who had the experiences. The first 4 days was the hardest as I had to organize my cooking schedule and shopping lists. Nothing had been prepared before, other than a small list of recipe names, so I had quite a head ache. Thankfully a professional cook came to my rescue for the second time in a row, and helped me in the kitchen. He kept me focused and kept my kitchen running. I was a mess this year. The previous years I was well organised, and confident. This year I felt lost, and stressed.

However this was due to my stubbornness. I had promised Vivian I would help her on the health stand this year. Twice. I HAD to keep the promise, and I told a few of the leaders such. They understood and did everything in their power to keep my kitchen stocked with helpers, so I could do my shopping, cooking, sleeping and help at the stand. My days went from 6 or 7 in the morning doing early morning shopping trips until 10 or 11 at night making spreads, or organizing what ever needed to be done.

On the health stand I worked at the sample table making the different vegetarian samples, as well as buying alternate milks for trial. We pushed hard on foods that would help lower cholesterol. Nearly every one who came through needed the advice in this area, and even other tables began pointing out foods that could help and advising they try our samples.

I also relived on the message booth. Our first day was Kyrre's and my 6 year anniversary, and we spent it together at the health stand. It felt fitting seeing as our honeymoon was spent on the trip helping at the health stand. It brought back happy memories.

I have worked several days at the store, have two more to go. God has provided 4 options for jobs, some more viable than others, and I know he is leading. He always is.

A Concert and a Trip to the Lake

Friday night we had a final concert with the bible school students combined with the church choir. We started practice and warm ups at 5. Things went really well. After the warm ups, I went down and helped the kids get the fruit platters ready.

Just before the concert started  upstairs to get my water bottle from the stage. I found that Vivian's mom was there, which was unexpected, and my my nerves skyrocketed. We were singing two songs that are hard to sing, one of them being the song we sang at Vivian's funeral, the other is a bible verse teaching about death and the resurrection. I had difficulty each time we sang it during practice, but I knew many people at the concert would also react on the words of the song as well as some of the remembering that one had been sung at the funneral. I greeted guests, including Vivian's mom, and was happy to see her joy at seeing me again. This is the third time in the last month, but we had never had a chance to really talk.

I was still a bit nervous, so  I had prayer with one of the students. The concert went really well. Every one was enjoying it. But when we started to sing the last song my emotions took over. Many people in the audience had also started crying, and I had to take a quick break, for a bout 1 sentence, to calm my nerves before the finnal courus when I was needed for the high notes. I also felt dizzy and had to steady myself on the student next to me. I must admit I felt very ashamed. I have been in performances my whole life, but I have never ever had my emotions take over like that. I am just thankful that I didn't start crying as well.

After the concert I stuck around for a group photo, and waited to talk with Vivian's mom. Another church member was talking to her, and I finally had to interrupt as I had dinner date with a friend of mine. I hugged her as I always have, and then was shocked when she grabbed my hand and pulled my sleeve back revealing the watch she had given me. Have I mentioned the watch? It was Vivian's, the one she has worn most of the years I had known her. Her mom had given it to me a few months back ago as a reminder of Vivian and as a thankyou for all I had done and been for her.

Vivian's mom asked if it was the one.... and I said yes. She started to ask if I had used it everyday, but her eyes filled with tears, so I smiled and said yes. I have used it everyday. It was good to see the tears. She is so strong, and never showed her emotion under the funeral, and it was good to see that healing has been happening. She then asked me a rapid secession of questions, although rather cryptic as the church member had not left yet, to which I answered the best I could. I then excused myself as neither of us wanted to get into deeper things with others listening around.

Someone called me Vivian. I knew they meant me even though they said Vivian, but I was surprised that I turned around. I know I remind a lot of people of her now. It's not surprising really. When you spend a lot of time with someone, and you care deeply for them, you begin to pick up some of their habits.

We headed to my friends where we had a late night sabbath welcoming dinner. It is a traditional Jewish sabbath dinner, with braided bread and grape juice. The regular meal follows, but we kept it simple this time as we were eating late. Some of the guests did not arrive until 10 pm. We all sat around the table visiting until around 1 am. I enjoyed myself, as usual. This particular friend became my friend recently, and has been a wonderful support as I have been in my final stages of grieving as well as learning about the true bible holidays vers. the unbiblical ones. I have been in a bit of a turmoil over it all, but God has been leading, and I am certain his timing is perfect as usual. I have been studying this off and on for years, but now is the day, now is the time.

I must admit I am very nervous about the burial service of Vivian. I was promised earlier that I would be one of the few who would be allowed to come to the private service. The children have been "forced" to go through 2 funerals already, and my understanding is that the family wants to keep it very small and simple. I can understand and agree with this, but I desperately want to be there. I am also nervous, because I know that I have been affected by her death more than most, and I also know how I have been even in these past weeks. I wish I could say I am strong and can control my emotions as I have been in the past, but I can not with Vivian. My heart was broken and its not healed yet. And I know I will weep, not cry, weep. I happened over and over again at her funeral, and I managed to hide away, with the help of friends who understood and lent skirts to hide behind.

But I also know that if I am not able to go to the actually service, I can go after they leave and say my goodbyes in private where my heart can do as it chooses. So again, I leave this all in the hands of our great and marvelous God.

Sabbath morning the bible school had church service. It was translated from the pulpit, so I got a chance to rest. After church we headed out to the lake, at lunch, played games, sang songs, canoed, hiked, and just enjoyed each other company. I played and visited with the students all day, and it was wonderful to finally FINALLY feel like I belonged. It has taken a year and a half to feel that the staff have also accepted me, as the students change out each year. I still wish I had never had to quit that first year when I started, but I know that God also has plans for me. Maybe they are not with the school, maybe they are, but I will allow him to work.

After we all joined in a HUGE game of volley ball, 10 people on a a team, we headed down to the campfire for songs and a short sharing time. then we headed home. I forgot my shoes and had to head back to get them, after driving 15 mins, so we got home between 9 and 10. I took a hot shower, sat with a heat pack on my shoulder and then kyrre gave me a long massage to try to get the stiffness out of my neck. It had sat there for two days. Thankfully I woke this morning with it gone.

Today was rather simple. I woke up, made tea, wrote an email, made lunch, cleaned up the kitchen, went for a walk and now am writing this blog. Tomorrow I have my last knitting class of the season, and will go shopping for the Impact pack lunches. I plan to clean the house up in the next few days so its clean and ready when we get back from our trip.

It's been a good start to the week, and I am ever so thankful.

Onions in my pocket sounds like a good idea

I went to bed with a migraine, and woke up with one... which set off my day to a rough start...

This was taken Jan 2013

 I went out to buy food at my friends stand for lunch, he wasn't there. Then I was so weird in the head I had to call Kyrre and ask what on earth I should buy for lunch, and nearly had a panic attack (yes my head ache was horrible!) but it was storming all day yesterday and today, which explains the pressure.

Then I had a church member drop a doll and money off for another friend, who said she would come get it at four. She came and got it... and then I headed off to my knitting class,  which started at 5. I needed to leave at 4:45 to get there.... only to get into the car and find out it was 3:45 not 4:45.So I sheepeshly walked back in to work .. .amidt grins and laughs of my coworkers. I also suddenly understood my bosses weird look when I said good bye and walked off.
Then I get to the knitting class and that was cancelled, that will be monday in stead
Lady Em: so I got stuff for veggie hamburgers, as we have little stocked in the kitchen due to the trip, and came home...

This was the mission trip before it was called Impact

Yesterday I found out that I am actually in a group doing going out and doing stuff during impact... which has NEVER happened before and I am jazzed. I won't be stuck in the kitchen this year, and Vivians daughter is in my group, as well as one other guy.... that I was working with trying to get the other bible school up and running... and apparently our group was handpicked for the job... what ever its... that we will be doing. There are six of us in the team, the largest team, as the other 12 teams have 5 members.

My hubby was a bit diss pointed to find out we are not on the same team, or that he will not be working at the health expo 100% of the time like he had wanted to be. But after talking with his team leader, he decided it might not be that bad after all. He can always take a break if his legs start hurting.

This is Health Expo My hubby is in the background

I am a bit nervous about working with Vivian's daughter and the other gentleman. Both I don't know really well and the reasons we know each other have a slightly rough back ground. Thankfully Vivian's daughter and I were friends before the funeral, so hopefully we will be able to pick up on the happy note we had when we spent time together in February and keep going. The other guy has a good head on him, and I think he would be a good asset fo further plans, so I am looking forward to working with him. I just hope he doesn't have a bad taste in his mouth from the disappointment of the school not being able to be opened.

all in all a good day. I cried in front of two of the students this week. That makes three total in the past four months. I am glad I have been able remain so strong, but I can feel that I am a bit on edge with the trip comeing up, the graduation and parting of ways, and the finally resting of Vivian. Guess I just need to carryin onions with me and keep cutting them up :D

Sooooo looking forward to the trip, but soooo not looking forward to it at the same time. This must be what its like to be nuts!

hee hee

A touch of love in the green house

Today I had a meeting to finish off our list. I have been part of the voteing committee to help choose people for either continueing jobs in thec hurch, or finding new ones for people who were wanting a break.

After the meeting i got to talking with one of the students who will be working here next year. He asked if I wanted to run a health food store here. We talked back and forth about it for about 20 mins or more. While we were talking I saw something that used to be Vivian's, and had to go outside for a break. I calmed down quickly, and came back in to talk so more.

Another student, the one I have known since my first year here, came and gave me a hug. for some reason, i started crying. It was the second time I have cried in front of one of the studetns, and this time it was three of them. She held me for a while, then asked if I wanted to talk about it and drug me out for a walk. We walked up to the green house, weeded some of the baby plants, then continued our walk through the woods.

We shared back and forth about Vivian, things we had learned, experienced, missed, and had a good time playing together too. Then we went back to the green house and prayed with each other. It was very special.

I know we are all going to make it through this mission trip, but many of us are both looking forward to it, and dreading  the hole that will be there.

Thank you

I just had to say that I am so thankful for the friends and family that have been supporting me these past few months. Those who have been listening, allowing me to grieve, talk, laugh, cry, and have shared and taught back. I would not have made it through this time without you, and I thank God daily for allowing you all to be in my life.

I have shared, not only because I need to share, but I hope that you can, in some way,  learn through the path that I have been forced to walk on. God uses everything as a blessing, and perhaps He wants you to have a blessing, or learn something as well.

Keep praying for me, I need it. And thank you so much for your love ans support, and for not giving up on me. I will make it through this, and I will be a better, stronger, more useable worker for Yah because of it.

Christina

The Letter

Last night I stumbled over a letter I wrote Vivian only a week after she had left for New Zealand. I had forgotten about it completely, so I read it. It didn't take me long before tears were streaming down my face. I cried, and even laughed.

I couldn't stop thinking about her all day today. I tried to switch my thoughts to other things, but it proved exhausting, so I just let myself think. I though about all sort of weird things. Things from, would things be the same if she were to come back to life which thankfully won't happen. She deserves her rest... to how are things going to go on the trip next week with her being gone. Its just all part of my process. Sometimes the devil I think tries to challenge things, to mess me up even more, but I just pray and cling to what I know.

I still miss her so terribly. I am so thankful for the hope I have, and the understanding I have, but the pain is still so deep, and the loneliness of her not being here is so deep that some times its overwhelming. I can't help but think it will be easier after this trip, and after the schools graduation, and after she is finally resting in her final resting place. I hate the fact that I can't go and place flowers on her grave yet, and maybe that is part of my problem. It just seems so unfinished some how. And just thnking aobut that got me thinking about when will it be? Who will be there... more importanly... will _I_ be able to be there when she is burried, or will I have to go later. Both ways will be good in their own respect. Alone I can be free to cry, free pour my heart out when I have held it back in silence so long.

Its so hard for me. So few know how our relationship was, and they do not understand. They hurt, and I tend to their pain the best I can, but no one yet has been able to touch the pain I have. I have turned my heart in the Gods hands, and he has helped me each and every time.

I also have a small amount of guilt, because I have shared more than If eel I should have with people. This isn't about me, and I never meant to make it about me. I just desperately needed someone to understand... I forgot that He is the one to talk to, he is the one who cares. And He knows how and with whom I should have been sharing.

I have found a couple of people who were and are willing to let me talk... to let me heal. And I am ever so grateful for their kindness. It is so hard when you have a love so deep that can't be shared about. It's going to take me time to adjust to all these new gifts and sensations that have come from Gods gift... the answer to my prayer after Vivian died... and I truly as of yet, do not understand why he gave me my prayer request, and how he expects me to use it. All I know is He did.

I have to imagine that Elisha felt something of the same kind of loss and confusion as he dealt with the same gift, only he knew why he asked for it. I don't know why I asked for it, but I craved it, and I begged for it. I decided that I must read through their story again, and then the live of Elisha after to find out how his gift was used.

I feel as if God has set me aside, hidden me  behind a wall of safety my whole life for some special plan, and then all of a sudden that wall has fallen a way, at what seems to be my weakest point, and I am exposed, raw, and naked. Only... I am not afraid. I can see His hand working, its just so new, and uncertain. I can see pieces of the puzzle fitting into place... and its almost intimidating. Dreams He gave me years ago have come true, other more recent ones have showed he is still in control and leading, even though they were incredibly painful to experience both in the dream, and as they happened."Many things about tomorrow, I cant seem to understand. But I KNOW who holds tomorrow and I KNOW who holds my hand"

I do no know why losing one of my two best friend ( my husband being my other best friend),  the other half of my heart, was part of the plan, and I wish it didn't have to be this way, but I have to trust HE knows best. YAH is in control. And he WILL get me through not only the greife, but the healing, and he will also hold my hand as we travel the last pages of this earths history together.

HALLELU YAH

Sabbath -non rest- rest day.... :D

 

Today I had my last concert of the year. We sang two songs after church, and then had concert in a small church with good acoustics in town. I have been sick, well not really sick just not 100% as afar as allergies or what have you, for the past two weeks, so my voice gave out on the last song. Could still speak, mind you, just couldn't find the voice to sing the last 2 bars. 

We arrived an hour early, as we were unsure what time I was to get there, so I sat out behind the school you see above, wrote a journal entry and enjoyed the view. Got to see my best freinds boys today, which was wonderful, but we all had to many thigns to do and to many people demanding our time, that we only got tos ay hi, grin across the room and wave. However we made appointsments with the olderone to visit on the mission trip. 8 hours one way on a bus... I am sure there will be time then.

Going to go eat and dig in to a bible study. Have lots to sort out. This holiday stuff has got me edgy!

cheers