Sunday

Its Sunday. I had a very fun weekend. Sabbath we went to a friends house for sabbath lunch and ended up staying and talking until 2am! I have not done that in AGES..... But I had some good healing time.

Been tired today though, surprise surprise, but I still managed to get alot of house work done.

The neighbors had a birthday party for their 2 year old and invited us out for cake. We accepted and took with us Banana/blackberry ice cream made with rice milk, and no added sugars. They all really liked it.
The baby girl, 5 months, latched on to me, and I got to play with the other two as well.

I know I promiced to write about my trip to Coppenhagen, haven't managed to get to that yet. Hope to soon.

A medical missionary should never feel guilty for the work they have done

 

For over six months now a conversation has played in the back of my mind. The circumstances and individuals involved are not important.... only that found peace today.  I have been praying about it, trying to find out if I had really done something wrong in a situation I felt I had done the right thing. I am assured now, that I did not do anything wrong, but this incident has cost me the trust in an individual I would rather have kept it with.. on both sides. For now I find that I question motives, and thoughts, and at a job where the situation should have been accepted and praised, and where the person who has criticized me for the incident should have taken care of them-self.

I had been given a job to do. An individual who worked there, had a minor face surgery that day. With in 15 mins of arriving back from her surgery, she began acting very unlike herself. It was more and more clean over the next hour that she needed to be put to bed. Thankfully I had completed 95% of my job, finishing the largest part with her help... at my protest, and so I asked the others on my team if they felt they could handle the last small half hour job so that I could put her to bed. They had also noticed that she was not in her right mind, and agreed. So I took her to her room, and gave her a massage until she finally rolled over and fell asleep.

It took an hour, and after wards I found out that she didn't remember anything from the rest of that day except that I had taken her to her room and given her a massage. She didn't even remember us talking, or any work she did that day after she woke up.  She had been very desperate to have me with her before I took her to her room. 

This is a form of medical missionary work. I was not able to do anything else for her that day, but helping her get to sleep, easing discomfrot, fear/nervousness, and bringing a since of calm to a hurting individual _IS_ medical missionary work. 

That morning when I woke up, I had surrendered my day to Gods hands and asekd Him to show me what he wanted me to do. This was what I was impressed to do. I had covered my bases so that others were not weighd down with extra work, but this was not noticed, and I am still being seen as one who cannot carry their weight of the work.

 Let me ask you this. Was I am Martha or a mary in this situation? Did I handle it right? 

I for one no longer feel guilty about it, in fact I am happy that I was able to be Gods hands at that moment for that hurting confused soul. I am saddened as the individual who has on 3 separate occasions commented on that particular moment as being a reason I am not a stable person, should have seen the situation and been there to help. After all they had worked with the individual for 8 years. 2 years longer than I had even know her, and they didn't even notice she was not herself.

 

Titles can be difficult to find

I am now 31. Oddly enough, I always thought that you turned into an adult at 30. Anyone could guess why, I havn't the faintest clue. I mean... I married at 25 so, shouldn't I have been an adult then? I find myself doing or saying things that I think are childish... but then i realize that I am not childish. Just playful. I know many adults like that... ones that don't allow the world to bog them down, and allow them selves to have fun or think out side of the modern day box.

But there are moments I wonder.... wonder if I am useing myself to the full potential I am now, and allowing myself to be molded into a new form with even more potential.

I have been at my "job" for nearly 9 months now. And I find that I still don't know what the others do. I start to chide myself on this, but then I remember... all of them have worked here for 10 years or more! It's not wise to pick on myself for not remembering how much a shirt costs off the top of my head, or yarn for that matter. There is always lots to learn.

The above picture found itself on to my computer a while back. It was so naturally, serene, peaceful. Just looking at it made me desperately want to go out walking through the woods. I haven't done much of that lately. The reason being it takes 20 mins to walk to the nearest woods, and then an hour or more around that stretch. It doesn't sound long, granted, but usually I have time in the evenings and my feet are already killing me from standing on them all day. So I go out for a walk by our house. I also do not want to walk through the woods there just yet. I am not used to walking them alone, and since my wakling buddy is no longer around, I am trying to train in my hubby. He is doing really well, but some things are not quite on the book yet.

Saturday he slept in, and we missed church. So we packed a pick nick and headed in to a different stretch of woods. We walked for 3 hours... hiked is more like it. We decided to follow this road we had never seen before, then cut across the top of the lake to find our way back from a cabin we had seen on the other side. Apparently the cabin is rarely used as there wasn't a clear path to go back on. We ended up forging our way and although it only took an hour and a half, I am quite certain we walked close to 3 if you considered the zigzag formation we had to take up and down hills and around swamps. The miracle was we only saw 1 mosquito the entire time.

My husband took me to Coppenhagen for my birthday. I want to tell you about it, but I have been neglecting my house and only have a few hours left before my 4 day weekend is gone. I should run to it. Will update on the trip later.

I will say though that I have been doing much better. I am finding that I am happy again. Sadness will always linger around corners, but my overall view is happy.  I look at the world around us and see where we are, and it makes me wonder why I am so concerned about some things that worry me. But I am finding it easier and easier to let go and smile. Still looking for work, so that is something to remember for me.

A cat on my arm makes typeing hard

It's been a while since I have blogged. I have thought about it many times, but sometimes knowing others read what I write can be a bit daunting. but today, I am just writing for me, and allowing you to read.


I would say not much has happened, and that is partially true. The students came back, the end of march, and headed out for another two week trip. We picked them up and dropped them off, making the airport parking attendant mad as we took nearly 20 mins to load the 22 people and luggage in to the two vans. It wasn't entirely our fault. They only have a paid parking place near the airport, and we hadn't been given money for the parking. The only other option was making the 22 students and staff walk 20 mins to the free parking area, at midnight, and then try to load them all up. As it was we got back home at 2am.

During the Easter work break, Kyrre and I traveled down to spend the weekend with our niece and nephew. It was a nice visit, but the two are wild animals half of the time, and I got bit, in the thigh, once... which nearly resulted in the child getting slapped. Thankfully I was able to stay my downward swinging hand.

Work has been doing well. Three weeks ago I started teaching a knitting class Thursday nights to an ever changing group of female immigrants. This group will be here another two weeks, as they are here for about 2 months before heading to their final destination, and are between the ages of 15 and 22, if I should guess. They are not used to talking about ages.

Probably the worst thing that has happened, is that Vivian's mother is still being pestered with phone calls. She was used to getting only calls from Vivian and a few others, but now she gets them constantly. I know this is an exaggeration, as the times I have been over to visit, the phone has rung... once?

But the weekend I was heading out for Easter I called her to see if her plans had changed, and to say hi. I didn't reach her so I had called her boyfriend just to see if she had gone away fro the weekend and to pass on the message that I had not found out if someone she was not interested in seeing was coming to church or not.

The following Wednesday I went to deliver food to her from the school, and decided to call first. I didn't reach her, so I called 2 more times that evening and gave up telling Kyrre he could have the soup for lunch the next day. On my way to work I called. When she didn't answer for the 4th time, I swung by her place to see if I could see she was up and around. When I couldn't see any sign of moment, I called the head deaconess at our church to see if she had talked with her. she said she would try to call her and would let me know if things were amiss. A few moments later I got a call from Vivian's mom.

she was furious with me. She opened the conversation with... I think we should stop calling each other. I am fine, and you should not be so worried.

I explained the calls, and the situation, and managed to get her calmed down. She then told me about being tired from all the calls and saying she needed a break, so I agreed not to call for a while. That was two weeks ago, and I still haven't found the heart in me to try to call her. I have an email for her from her grand daughter, as she doesn't use the computer, so I will have to call next week and give it to her, but I have to admit I am nervous. I know she took out her frustration on me, and that I didn't do anything wrong, but it still makes me feel bad. Many of us are concerned for her, as she is alone now and has some pretty major health issues. Her grand kids and her daughter, before she died, have/had asked me to keep an eye on her. She had been asking me to visit and ding the calling, but I still felt I needed to give her the space she asked for. Hopefully next week will go ok. I'll will just deliver the email, and leave... break the ice again as it were.

I was thinking about it today when I printed off the email, and it upset me. Which didn't help the evening. The students were presenting about their trip to Honduras, and I was distracted. I kept feeling like Vivian was there, or maybe it was me missing her being there. But I went up stairs and found a place to be alone and cried.

Then at the close of the evening the girls sang a closing song, and one of the boys played he guitar. I was find until I looked at him... and I had to get up and leave. I had tried to ignore the fact that Vivian's voice was gone from the group, but somehow having her not be behind the guitar, and having it be a student, a male student, made the fact even worse. Even the translator had been different. It was all too much. I headed into the kitchen to hide and try to control my emotions.... but one of the boys, was there. He came over and put his arm around me shoulders. I knew that fighting it back would make it harder to stop, so I just turned and cried into his shoulder ( he is over 6 ft) and calmed down and quickly as I could. I then cleaned up headed back out in the candle lit dining area where it would be harder to see I had been crying.

I miss her so much. I know there will be moments like that still, and that it will get easier to bear, but I have to admit I was embarrassed to start crying in front of the students. Thankfully only one saw.

Last night I worked til 9, which meant I had today off. I needed to clean the church and go to my physical therapist, and I planned to get up early and go... but I was hurting, and when the children up stairs got up and started playing their radio at 5 am ( ok ok it was 7, but when you have a day off and want to cuddle in with your hubby if FEELS like 5) I just rolled over and cuddled in and decided that if  I get pregnant, we HAVE To move before our little ones learn from their example.

I need to stop now, my cat is standing on my arm, making typing very very hard.

I want a hot coco. Is that wrong?

Turing something ugly and painful into something beautiful

   The last Sabbath before Vivian left for New Zealand, we had communion services at church. I had known about it the week before, as had she, and I had been praying that we could participate in the foot washing together. That Sabbath, I had a fight with my husband at church moments before we were to go down for the foot washing. I felt horrible, and I did not feel I was in the proper spirit to serve Vivian, so I took Kyrre’s dad down to the mens section, and waited in the kitchen to take him back up stairs.

Upon seating him next to Vivian’s son, and returning with my things, Vivian pounced me verbal. “Where were you! I was waiting for you and looking for you but I didn't find you! Where were you!” I could see the tears she was fighting back, even though she was trying to be playful. And when I turned to answer her my tears were also sitting in my eyes. She immediately pulled back in shock.

I left had to rush to the bathroom to cry. To be truthfully I sobbed. I was already ashamed at fighting with Kyrre, and at church, and had dismissed the little voice in my head saying Vivian was looking for me reasoning it away with, "Why would she be looking for me?"

I knew it was a lie to myself. Of course she was looking for me and belittling to myself to even think such thoughts, but it was what I thought. And now, twice in the same week, I had disappointed my friend. She had come by work that Thursday to see me, and I had left 10 mins early to run an errand that had suddenly come up. After church, and later that night, I explained to her what had happened and she had forgiven me. She had told me another lady had come down a bit late and didn't have a partner, so she had washed her feet.

I thought that was the end of the story. But it wasn't.

Two Sabbaths ago we had communion. I saw the lady Vivian had served in tears, and I knew she remembered the last time she had been with Vivian. Later, during the time we had sharing, she got up in tears and told the story of how that particular Sabbath she was depressed, hurting in her body, and was in desperate need of human caring. She told how Vivian and come to her and asked to serve her, and she had accepted. And she told how she had felt healed in body and mind after the service. She had written a poem which she sent to Vivian later that week and she shared it with us.

I nearly cried. To think that God took my ugly fight, one that I should not have had, and turned it in to a beautiful blessing for one of his hurting children. I know Vivian was thinking that too as I had told her about the fight and what it had involved. I am just touched that she also found out how God changed this around before she died, and that the lady she served, even though she does not know the reason why, was the recipient of Gods blessings.

Monday...

         I have been quiet the past few days. Partly this is due to the fact that I had no idea what to write about, and partly I have been in thought after some comments I got after my last post. If I had thought about it, I did have plenty to write about, I just thought it was rather boring.

         Today I woke rather discouraged. I had dreamed I was present when Vivian's body was found, and that I had been the one who was trying to revive her. It's amazing how dreams can feel so real. Smells like the salt water in the air, the feel of the cold wetness of water still dripping from ones body, the sand under ones feet, the feel of her hand as I cradled it to my cheek, or the coldness her forehead as I kissed her goodbye. I felt as if I had been there, in a way, and I truly understood what her kids had had to go through that day.

          But I forced myself out of bed, and forced the sicking feeling in my gut a way, jumped in to clothes, made myself something warm to drink, ate and visited with my husband as he drove me to work.

          Work was rather fun today. Nothing interesting happened, it just ran smoothly. We waited on customers that came, I cut out more shirts for the bunads we are making. My boss asked if I wanted to take 2 hours a week and teach new immigrants how to knit. Its not paid through the store, and I told her I would think about it while she found out if I could. There was something about them wanting a Norwegian, and she was not sure if an American, living here permanently would work. But that, with the two cleaning jobs I have, a few hours every other week, and once every other month, would give me a little extra pocket money.

         Last Wednesday my cat, Tasia had a doctors appointment. The doctor said she was in good health, but that her smell issue was probably caused by jumping from high places.We had rearranged the house 1 year ago, roughly, and it was about the same time my cat started having the issue in the first place. This meant rearranging the house again, which we did. Once I got home that night. It took all evening, and we had lots that we didn't manage to get back into place. and still haven't. I had planned to do it over the weekend, but plans changed.

       A friend text ed me in tears late Friday. She had been a student of Vivian, and one week after Vivian died her grandfather had also passed away under questionable circumstances. She was handling it all well enough until she had a fight with her boyfriend and she broke. So I dropped everything, and invited her up for the weekend in my messy house. She didn't care, and we had a blast. We talked things out, watched movies, I knitted, and she crocheted.

     The students came home Friday, and left a gain today for a two week trip to Germany. I and Kyrre had to drive them down to the airport as the whole group, teachers and all, were going. The vans could have stayed at the airport, but it was cheaper to drive there and back, and there again to pick them up when they return. It took longer than I anticipated, and after leaving at 2:30, we didn't arrive back home until 6 pm.The trip was hard for me, but I was glad I took it. There are going to be a lot of first times with out Vivian, and I would prefer to get them over quickly so the pain part is over, and I can have the good memories. I miss her terribly, but I am trying to face each time I know will be difficult with a smile. I allow myself to think of the hard part for a few mins before it happens, and as it happens, then dismiss it and try to focus on the here and now, but there will always be moments where my hear hurts, or my eyes tear up. Like when I saw the student Vivian and I teased a lot. The three of us had been friends for 6 years, and it was a bit odd having her as a student, so we played with each other, the three of us, a bit more than we normally would other students. She was happy to see me too, and it was wonderful to hug someone who truly understood and needed someone to understand her.

And now I have to tackle my kitchen. I seriously wish I could just throw everything out and buy it new as it would be faster, and much less stressful, but that would be wasteful. I am just very tired and honestly don't care at this exact moment in time. But I put the dishes off last night, so I can' really blame anyone but myself.

I have decided that I am tired of having the same foods. I have some how gotten myself in a rut. We have been eating lots of stir fry, pretty much the same each time, pasta, again pretty much the same, and other variations of rice. I am a much better cook than that, and I am surprised that I have gotten bored with food! I guess I have just not been using my imagination, or trying hard enough. I am planning lentils for tomorrow. I know that sounds every day, but its been ages since I made them, and a good pot sound good about right now. I even bought celery last week! The problem I have been having lately, is that what sounds good today, and I prepare for tomorrow, nearly gags me the next. I have no idea why as I am not at all a picky eater. I have just been having a hard time enjoying food of any kind lately.

I have also been working on my sourdough. I found a book a while back on kindle that had three old world sourdough recipes in it. one of them is almost exactly the same as the one I had used in the states, so I have been working on getting it up and running. its exciting to see it in action.

Ok I have procrastinated enough. Toodles!

Something to think about