A "simple" garden path

I found this picture of a garden path last summer and then again when going through my pictures today. I was struck with awe when I saw it because not only did it take a lot of work and planning, but creativity and patients as well. I found myself wondering how long it had taken to plan, and what the rest of the walk must look like. I studied the pattern, found myself desiring to create one of my own, started to design and draw it, and even finding a place to put one. The only step I didn't take was going out and finding the stones to build it.

I guess in a way I have been doing a similar process these past few days. For the past 6 years, the last year in particular, I found a "garden path" I wanted to imitate in the life of Vivian. I continued to study, watch, and learn from her until I realized that our simple surface friendship was not enough. It was clear I wanted more from the relationship, as did she. We became very close over the past year, and now that she is gone I have realized something. I have taken all the steps it took in order to build my own garden path, in shaping my life after hers save one. I haven't started to place my rocks in the right order to form my path. Why do you suppose that is?

Because I realized about 4 months ago that it wasn't her life I wanted to imitate. True I had a human companion to watch and learn from, and to love and care for, but she was merely a mirror, a reflector of her heavenly best friend. It was Him I wanted, Him I wished to reflect and imitate His life working through me as she allowed Him to work through her. There were even moments, many in fact, when she would look at me and she radiated a heavenly light that many people told me later they had also seen during times they had observed us together. She allowed God to work through her in a way I had never seen before in the life of another human being. She had a fire, a love, a passion that could only come from being plugged into the eternal God and father of us all.

This realization hit me even stronger last night when I carried out my pastors home work assignment. Sabbath he asked us to go home and write down 5 things we liked and admired about Vivian. He said it would help us get through this hard time. It took me 3 days to write my list, not because I didn't have anything to write down, but because I had too many things. It was hard to narrow down the list to 5. In fact I couldn't. I ended up with 8. These are not in any special order. Some will take explaining, so should be taken at face value until then.

1: Her willingness to forgive and forget

2: Her desire to touch me and have me close

3: Her child like cheerfulness and radiant smile (she also shined like the sun when she saw me and her eyes sparkled with a pure joy and love that was breathtaking)

4: Her honesty

5: Her willingness to heal both body and soul

6: Her ability to teach without saying a word

7: Her faith

8: Her cleverness, and intuition, and wisdom in how to reach the human heart for Gods kingdom.

3 years ago Vivian did something, unintentionally which angered me to the point of not being able to even see her or talk to her outside of conversations that were necessary for day to day activities. We were on an impact trip, which made this worse. I knew that I should not let the sun go down on my wrath, but I was so angry I knew I would not be able to speak to her without making a scene. So I  decided to wait until I could. The problem was I waited too long and forgot why I was angry. She had hurt me, and after being deeply hurt by a friend a few years before resulting in losing nearly every friend I had at the time, I decided the risk wasn’t worth the aggravation. And I distanced myself. And then forgot the entire incident.

The next two years we were very pleasant to each other, and we were still friends, but I always felt there was something between us that I could not understand. There were moments when she would reach out to me, or share with me some rather odd conversation that I couldn’t understand why she was sharing such a personal thing with me. There were moments when I would see pain or confusion flash across her face. But I never dreamed it was I that was cause of this. Not until later.

It was April, 2012, when her father died.  I remember feeling panicked as I knew she was on a school trip, and she couldn’t even get home at the time. I insisted on attending the funeral, to support her even though I hadn’t known her father. I had to be there, as if something deep within me would not allow any other alternative.  It has been a beautiful service, but again I noticed something I had always seen. She cared for all, but whom, outside of her family, cared for her? It troubled me greatly.

Two weeks later she had to translate for a set of meetings. I was worried about her as I knew she was still in mourning. I was angry and tried to find anyone who could take her place, but it was not possible. She was still pale, and quiet compared to her normal bubbly and playful self and I pulled her back as she was heading through the doors to the first meeting. I hugged her, really hugged her for the first time in years and wished her luck. She whispered back, "Pray for me. I feel out of sorts!" Of course I said I would. And I did. 

But during that meeting the speaker or more like God, was speaking through the speaker to me.  He said, “You can not pray for someone unless you have forgiven them.”

I went home and cried. The next day  I asked Vivian for a moment of her time, and when she came to me later that day, I told her that God had reminded me of my anger during my long night, and I asked her forgiveness for not coming to her sooner. She asked forgiveness for her actions that had caused my anger in the first place even before I had had time to tell her what had happeend. and I was touched by her willingness to right any wrong, and forgive any deed. Her action had not been meant, and I had known that. She and I had both been utterly exhausted and stress had gotten the better of us. I told her how foolish I had been in not coming to her that same day. And I confessed how little the thing she had done truly was in comparison to the awful sin in holding my anger against her. I told her I had tried to keep my distance, she looked at me, and with tears in her eyes she said "I know. I should have come to you sooner. I just thought you were busy and would come to me when. But I did notice.”

My heart broke. Instantly my mind was taken back to a night only a short time before when she had tried to contact me, and I had brushed her aside, and I had seen the pain and confusion go over her face. And I realized that I had done what I hated seeing others do, I had used her, hurt her, and there was nothing in this world I could do to make it right. 

That day I was filled with such a love for her, it could only be explained as Gods agape. And our friendship grew strongly and rapidly until she was my best friend and I was hers. She forgave me and forgot the situation entirely.  I have also forgiven myself, but I have always regretted the lost time that I wasted in my anger. She had tired desperately time and time again to reach me, and I had pushed her away out of my own stubborn pride. 

To many times I had been hurt, by those I loved dearly even by those who were supposed to be my protectors, and I refused to let this be my fate again. But God won out, as did she, and I am so very very thankful they did. It was I who ended up hurting myself. Even today, knowing that I can never hold her in my arms again I wonder at how petty the human heart can be, and how such stupid little things can separate us from those we care about simply because we are not allowing Gods hand to work in our lives.

The only other one that needs to be explained. In this day and age, most people keep to themselves. Most shake hands, or give a passing hug, and that's it. Vivian was different. She would link her arm in mine, like we were school girls, or hold my hand if we happened to be standing near each other in a crowd. Usually I just needed to ask her something, and then a few minuets would go by and I realized she was holding my hand. She would hug me and hold me as if she never wanted to let go. And even if she had only seen me a day or two before, she would hug me as if it had been months since our last meeting. She would often take my face in her hands, or cup my cheek in her hand and often she would kiss my cheek or forehead.

I learned from Vivian. I watched as she would from time to time reach out in the same manor to a needy soul, healing them of the pain they had inside. She would also massage out the pains in others, or sing a blessing over them. But one thing I had always noticed is she never had someone to do those things for her. And I wanted to do that for her. I wanted to give, never asking for anything from her. She would give until she had no energy for herself, and I didn’t want to drain her, I wanted to lift her up. 
 I remember the day when I first reached for her cheek. I was terrified and she stood knowing, smiling, waiting, motionless. And as I did, I found the bond between us had already been there forged sometime long before, but it grew.  I had always longed to do this with others who needed them. Not all of them of course, but some.
I had fought this my whole life, and she taught me that it is Gods way to touch those in need. And I remember thinking that if Vivian were Jesus, he couldn't have been that much different that she.

As it says in the bible, "And Jonathan's heart was knit to David's heart and he loved him as he loved his own soul." This is what had happened. Sometime back, 3 years maybe even from the first moments I had met her and spent time with her during that first impact; Vivian's heart had knit itself with mine. Only I was too scared, and to hurt, to respond. But when I did, my heart knit itself to hers and I loved her as I loved my own soul. The love I had for her was above and beyond any love I had ever experienced before and was blessed by God. I truly learned what the bible means when it says “See how much they love each other,” or “Peter, do you Agape me?” I learned what the difference was between regular every day love between friends, the love between family, and Agape. 
Even she held a distiction with her love. She loved everyone from the first moment she met them, and admitted such to me, however she only said I love you to a select few. Her children, her mother, and her best friend. She understood what Agape was, and when she died, I believe I lost half of myself, and if not I surely felt as if I did.

As I looked over all these 8 things, something stood out. It was not Vivian I saw. It was Jesus. I desperately want to be like Jesus, because it was He reflected in her. And I realized that as I had watched and learned from her, I too had begun to act like she, and think like she, and when she died I naturally drifted to the source, and He began give me my stones for my garden path; the same stones he had gathered pain stakeingly for me and had waited so long for me to desire from Him. I can see the dusty path in front of me. Jesus stands before me with a wheel barrow full of beautiful decorative stones. He has handed me quite a few already in the past few days, but I know there are more, and when my path is done, when my journey is over on this earth, there will be another behind me to take the path I have continued after Vivian, and continue it on. There will be others, many others, and when the path is done, Jesus will return to take us over the path to His kingdom.

Right now I am in waiting mode. Waiting for her coffin to return, waiting for the date for the funeral. Waiting for her kids to return, and wondering how that will go. Waiting to wrap my arms around them and hold them close and share the love I had for Vivian with them. Waiting for a job to accept me, waiting to hear Gods plans for my present and future.  And yes, even now, waiting for the day He will return and hand Vivian back to me and the others who love and miss her.

There is lots of waiting in all of our lives.

         But the question is, are we still taking the time to form our garden path? Are we taking the time to connect with the Gardner?

Time will tell. 

--- edited twice... additions made