Turing something ugly and painful into something beautiful

   The last Sabbath before Vivian left for New Zealand, we had communion services at church. I had known about it the week before, as had she, and I had been praying that we could participate in the foot washing together. That Sabbath, I had a fight with my husband at church moments before we were to go down for the foot washing. I felt horrible, and I did not feel I was in the proper spirit to serve Vivian, so I took Kyrre’s dad down to the mens section, and waited in the kitchen to take him back up stairs.

Upon seating him next to Vivian’s son, and returning with my things, Vivian pounced me verbal. “Where were you! I was waiting for you and looking for you but I didn't find you! Where were you!” I could see the tears she was fighting back, even though she was trying to be playful. And when I turned to answer her my tears were also sitting in my eyes. She immediately pulled back in shock.

I left had to rush to the bathroom to cry. To be truthfully I sobbed. I was already ashamed at fighting with Kyrre, and at church, and had dismissed the little voice in my head saying Vivian was looking for me reasoning it away with, "Why would she be looking for me?"

I knew it was a lie to myself. Of course she was looking for me and belittling to myself to even think such thoughts, but it was what I thought. And now, twice in the same week, I had disappointed my friend. She had come by work that Thursday to see me, and I had left 10 mins early to run an errand that had suddenly come up. After church, and later that night, I explained to her what had happened and she had forgiven me. She had told me another lady had come down a bit late and didn't have a partner, so she had washed her feet.

I thought that was the end of the story. But it wasn't.

Two Sabbaths ago we had communion. I saw the lady Vivian had served in tears, and I knew she remembered the last time she had been with Vivian. Later, during the time we had sharing, she got up in tears and told the story of how that particular Sabbath she was depressed, hurting in her body, and was in desperate need of human caring. She told how Vivian and come to her and asked to serve her, and she had accepted. And she told how she had felt healed in body and mind after the service. She had written a poem which she sent to Vivian later that week and she shared it with us.

I nearly cried. To think that God took my ugly fight, one that I should not have had, and turned it in to a beautiful blessing for one of his hurting children. I know Vivian was thinking that too as I had told her about the fight and what it had involved. I am just touched that she also found out how God changed this around before she died, and that the lady she served, even though she does not know the reason why, was the recipient of Gods blessings.

Monday...

         I have been quiet the past few days. Partly this is due to the fact that I had no idea what to write about, and partly I have been in thought after some comments I got after my last post. If I had thought about it, I did have plenty to write about, I just thought it was rather boring.

         Today I woke rather discouraged. I had dreamed I was present when Vivian's body was found, and that I had been the one who was trying to revive her. It's amazing how dreams can feel so real. Smells like the salt water in the air, the feel of the cold wetness of water still dripping from ones body, the sand under ones feet, the feel of her hand as I cradled it to my cheek, or the coldness her forehead as I kissed her goodbye. I felt as if I had been there, in a way, and I truly understood what her kids had had to go through that day.

          But I forced myself out of bed, and forced the sicking feeling in my gut a way, jumped in to clothes, made myself something warm to drink, ate and visited with my husband as he drove me to work.

          Work was rather fun today. Nothing interesting happened, it just ran smoothly. We waited on customers that came, I cut out more shirts for the bunads we are making. My boss asked if I wanted to take 2 hours a week and teach new immigrants how to knit. Its not paid through the store, and I told her I would think about it while she found out if I could. There was something about them wanting a Norwegian, and she was not sure if an American, living here permanently would work. But that, with the two cleaning jobs I have, a few hours every other week, and once every other month, would give me a little extra pocket money.

         Last Wednesday my cat, Tasia had a doctors appointment. The doctor said she was in good health, but that her smell issue was probably caused by jumping from high places.We had rearranged the house 1 year ago, roughly, and it was about the same time my cat started having the issue in the first place. This meant rearranging the house again, which we did. Once I got home that night. It took all evening, and we had lots that we didn't manage to get back into place. and still haven't. I had planned to do it over the weekend, but plans changed.

       A friend text ed me in tears late Friday. She had been a student of Vivian, and one week after Vivian died her grandfather had also passed away under questionable circumstances. She was handling it all well enough until she had a fight with her boyfriend and she broke. So I dropped everything, and invited her up for the weekend in my messy house. She didn't care, and we had a blast. We talked things out, watched movies, I knitted, and she crocheted.

     The students came home Friday, and left a gain today for a two week trip to Germany. I and Kyrre had to drive them down to the airport as the whole group, teachers and all, were going. The vans could have stayed at the airport, but it was cheaper to drive there and back, and there again to pick them up when they return. It took longer than I anticipated, and after leaving at 2:30, we didn't arrive back home until 6 pm.The trip was hard for me, but I was glad I took it. There are going to be a lot of first times with out Vivian, and I would prefer to get them over quickly so the pain part is over, and I can have the good memories. I miss her terribly, but I am trying to face each time I know will be difficult with a smile. I allow myself to think of the hard part for a few mins before it happens, and as it happens, then dismiss it and try to focus on the here and now, but there will always be moments where my hear hurts, or my eyes tear up. Like when I saw the student Vivian and I teased a lot. The three of us had been friends for 6 years, and it was a bit odd having her as a student, so we played with each other, the three of us, a bit more than we normally would other students. She was happy to see me too, and it was wonderful to hug someone who truly understood and needed someone to understand her.

And now I have to tackle my kitchen. I seriously wish I could just throw everything out and buy it new as it would be faster, and much less stressful, but that would be wasteful. I am just very tired and honestly don't care at this exact moment in time. But I put the dishes off last night, so I can' really blame anyone but myself.

I have decided that I am tired of having the same foods. I have some how gotten myself in a rut. We have been eating lots of stir fry, pretty much the same each time, pasta, again pretty much the same, and other variations of rice. I am a much better cook than that, and I am surprised that I have gotten bored with food! I guess I have just not been using my imagination, or trying hard enough. I am planning lentils for tomorrow. I know that sounds every day, but its been ages since I made them, and a good pot sound good about right now. I even bought celery last week! The problem I have been having lately, is that what sounds good today, and I prepare for tomorrow, nearly gags me the next. I have no idea why as I am not at all a picky eater. I have just been having a hard time enjoying food of any kind lately.

I have also been working on my sourdough. I found a book a while back on kindle that had three old world sourdough recipes in it. one of them is almost exactly the same as the one I had used in the states, so I have been working on getting it up and running. its exciting to see it in action.

Ok I have procrastinated enough. Toodles!

Something to think about

Tired and overly comtemplative

There are moments about my job that drive me crazy. One of them is that there are time I get way too much time to think. It was that way yesterday and today. Yesterday we got a huge supply of buttons in, worth a 2 months pay  for a normal paid job, and I had fun today and yesterday sorting them and putting them into place. I must say that i didn't manage to get the button section sorted the way I would have liked, as we do not have the space, but it was fun to play with all the new buttons and see all the colors.

Today i finished sorting them and then unpacked our 5 or 6 boxes of yarn. Both jobs gave me way too much quiet time in thoughts.

My thoughts turned yesterday to Vivian, and the school. Today my thoughts turned to the school and work. Its rather discouraging to me that I am working at two jobs that love me, but neither can really ford me. The bible school doesn't know what they would do with me if I was working there. The store wants me and knows exactly what they would do with me, but they can not afford another worker. They already have one too many, and the older ladies won't be retiring for a few years.

I think the bible school is the worst. It's hard to know what I have been doing wrong, or what I have not been presenting in order for them, I am referring to the remaining staff and perhaps even the board,  to not see me as a good fit. Vivian told me several times, quite forcefully, that I was now a member of the family and to not feel in the way, or out of place, ever. I often did. I didn't feel like I fit, no matter how hard I tried.

Now I feel the same again. A position is open, but they do not see me as a good fit. I can agree perhaps with the long term as they need a health teacher, but I thought there were other things I could have done. It seems that all they really want me for is extra work. Work that is important yes, but I have a hard time understanding why the student workers or even the students are not being asked to do that. The work is something I have a hard time seeing as being a staffs responsibility.

I realize we are still very soon after the schools loss, and we are all still reeling from it, but we only have a few more weeks till the students come back. Vivian's classes are going to be covered by one of the students who has a been taking special classes the past months, and the other staff are going to be caring her secretarial side of things. Her impact job is already covered.

I am happy for that yes, but I am sitting once a gain in a position where I have no idea what to do.  I only have four more months I can have the internship I have now, and I haven't the faintest idea what or where I should go, or do. I hate the idea of sending out job applications as I feel I am some how giving up on working at the school. I also know that most of the jobs I am applying for will not even consider me, or I am not qualified for.

 Two years now I have been looking for full time work, and all the time I have been praying I have believed, and still do believe, that God wants me at the bible school. I just can't understand how its supposed to happen. I am even now starting to wonder if it will.

I just feel like I have been at the cross roads for a long time. I thought I had moved on when I took this internship and started volunteering at the school. but now if feels like i have been walking in place when I thought I was heading down the path.