There are moments about my job that drive me crazy. One of them is that there are time I get way too much time to think. It was that way yesterday and today. Yesterday we got a huge supply of buttons in, worth a 2 months pay for a normal paid job, and I had fun today and yesterday sorting them and putting them into place. I must say that i didn't manage to get the button section sorted the way I would have liked, as we do not have the space, but it was fun to play with all the new buttons and see all the colors.
Today i finished sorting them and then unpacked our 5 or 6 boxes of yarn. Both jobs gave me way too much quiet time in thoughts.
My thoughts turned yesterday to Vivian, and the school. Today my thoughts turned to the school and work. Its rather discouraging to me that I am working at two jobs that love me, but neither can really ford me. The bible school doesn't know what they would do with me if I was working there. The store wants me and knows exactly what they would do with me, but they can not afford another worker. They already have one too many, and the older ladies won't be retiring for a few years.
I think the bible school is the worst. It's hard to know what I have been doing wrong, or what I have not been presenting in order for them, I am referring to the remaining staff and perhaps even the board, to not see me as a good fit. Vivian told me several times, quite forcefully, that I was now a member of the family and to not feel in the way, or out of place, ever. I often did. I didn't feel like I fit, no matter how hard I tried.
Now I feel the same again. A position is open, but they do not see me as a good fit. I can agree perhaps with the long term as they need a health teacher, but I thought there were other things I could have done. It seems that all they really want me for is extra work. Work that is important yes, but I have a hard time understanding why the student workers or even the students are not being asked to do that. The work is something I have a hard time seeing as being a staffs responsibility.
I realize we are still very soon after the schools loss, and we are all still reeling from it, but we only have a few more weeks till the students come back. Vivian's classes are going to be covered by one of the students who has a been taking special classes the past months, and the other staff are going to be caring her secretarial side of things. Her impact job is already covered.
I am happy for that yes, but I am sitting once a gain in a position where I have no idea what to do. I only have four more months I can have the internship I have now, and I haven't the faintest idea what or where I should go, or do. I hate the idea of sending out job applications as I feel I am some how giving up on working at the school. I also know that most of the jobs I am applying for will not even consider me, or I am not qualified for.
Two years now I have been looking for full time work, and all the time I have been praying I have believed, and still do believe, that God wants me at the bible school. I just can't understand how its supposed to happen. I am even now starting to wonder if it will.
I just feel like I have been at the cross roads for a long time. I thought I had moved on when I took this internship and started volunteering at the school. but now if feels like i have been walking in place when I thought I was heading down the path.
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