Till my final breath

 

The silence

It threatens my peace of mind

But I am still here

I still believe

I am still faithful

And I will always be

So long as there is breath in me

CRL 22,11,2014

Longing

Have you ever wanted something so desperately, but known it would probably never happen? Of course you have! And if you haven't, you are probably lying to yourself.

I have too. In fact, it's something that I have longed for nearly my entire life. Something that at times has driven me to distraction, sometimes I have even cried myself to sleep at night, or walked my days in a fog. What is it? That's wasn't whats important right now. What's important is that I understand those who I have talked to recently who, each one, has their own longing that they have no control over the out come. It hurts, its confusing, sometimes they wonder if they are right or wrong in wanting or needing the thing that they long for. Maybe at times they feel like they are going to go insane, or perhaps wonder if they ARE insane.

Passion will do that. Desire will do that. Longing will do that. Sometimes it will destroy you if you are not able to surrender the longing to ONE who is able to bear it. I surely can't, and I am sure that there are times you are not able to as well. This has been my focus the past month. To learn how to take this looming mountain that is standing between me and that for which I have waited, and hand it over, if only in my mind, to the ONE who can move mountains. Perhaps the mountain will never be moved. Perhaps when its moved I will discover that nothing waits for me on the other side, or that that for which I waited wasn't really worth waiting for. But whatever the case may be, I know that HE has the ultimate control and I will continue to trust HIS steady movements.

To hug

To HUG or not to HUG that is the question
For in a hug heaven can pass away,
And hell becomes non existent.
A hug of love can raise death to life,
and the pause that a hug brings
eases the stress and the pain of not one but two;

in its place they find a stillness and a peace
That only they share.
So it is in a hug that the world is saved.
It is in a hug that I greet you this day. 
It is in this hug that you will find peace of mind, healing 
and strength to greet your brand new day! 

CRL 29 October 2014

Poems of the slightly saddened heart

September winds have come and gone.

October snows have fallen.

You, my friend, are sorely missed.

Norwegian Fjells, are callin' "

CRL 16, Oct. 2014

  

A silent shadow lost in time,

I travel through the days and nights

And parallels unspoken

To see the smile upon your face

And feel the warmth of your embrace

To ease your pain, and in its place

I hide the tears that still remain

Upon my rosy cheeks.

CRL 16, Oct. 2014

Though mystery surrounds you

oh, cherished of my heart

though distance now embrace you

my soul will not depart 

For though my breath be ragged

and though my strength grows faint

 my arms out stretched

a dance will play

upon your saddened  heart. 

And though the mourning takes you

and tears doth blind your eyes

you shall not fear 

your child still sings

She'll heal your bleeding heart

CRL 18 Oct 2014

Down

I  have had arough couple of weeks. Was surprised to see a friend tonight that no one had told me was coming for a few days. Was lovely to help her out with her work. She is old, so who knows if this is the last time I will see her. But it sure did spark my mood.

And I had Doritos and cottage cheese. ... always a good mood lifter.

Cucumbers, peppers and 3 bean soup

Today has been a busy day, despite the fact that I have had a migraine all blooming day. I woke up, made a simple breakfast of lightly fried mushrooms, sweet peppers, onions and eggs over steamed rice. It looked a little odd, but man was it good.

I ran to town to buy freezer bags as I discovered I had lots of food on the fridge that would go bad before I could use it. I then spent the afternoon chopping up 3 varieties ( 5 colors) of peppers, and made bags to freeze. Some have onions added in them. Figured I can just grab a bag and add it into a stir fry or soup!

Apparently we have 5 more cucumbers ready in our garden. Not sure if we will eat them as salad, sliced, or if I will make lemon cucumbers (which by the way is FABULOUS).

Have potatoes and carrots ready in the garden. The salad is about done for the year. The beats have a bit longer.

Did three loads of laundry too. Have to do the dishes.

SOUPS CALLING!!!

Have a good Sunday.

Reaching for the seemingly unreachable

      Today is one of those days. It's raining out side, and my heart is so heavy that the thought of dancing in the rain is not even close to a consideration. So what did I do? I danced in the rain. Most people left church under umbrellas, or ran as fast as they could to their cars. The rain was cold, the wind was blowing, and they seemed very unhappy. I took it slow, and twirled. I even managed to get a 6 year old boy, with two paper airplanes, one in each hand, to twirl with me. He giggled as only a small child having fun can do. It made me smile.
      When it comes to serving YAH, one must act not on feelings, but what we have been told to do. One should never go by feelings. They can be wrong, or misleading. However when we serve YAH, He will provide the feelings that are needed.
      I find it hard sometimes to fight through the gloom that over shadow me. I think everyone has those moments. Sometimes its brought on by outside circumstances, wither it be people trying to tear me down, or exert their spiritual beliefs or practices on me (good or bad). Other times its just the fact that I care very much for the individual and feel their pains, or sufferings. Other times it is caused by eternal self issues, or past regressions. Today, I don't know why I am feeling such. I had a wonderful day/evening yesterday.

     Perhaps I am just tired. I did get to bed rather late, and woke with only a half hour to be read for church. I rushed out so fast I even forgot my bra! That was embarrassing, and reminded me of a story my grandfather had told of a older church lady who had come to his church wearing nothing but a slip one sabbath. Thankfully I just tied my sweater together, and no one could tell. B

     But even still, the over powering urge to weep pressed over me. I have taken it easy today. Cuddled with my cats, laid down for a small rest, and have decided to jot down this blog. My only solace today is that I have made it through one week of my new promise. I have consecrated myself to my God, and He has heard me and will grant my petition. How do I know this? Because he healed another area of my life I hadn't even asked him to heal when taking this promise. It gives me hope and strength to go one even though I know I have foes who would gladly see me fail to carry out their own desires.YAH is bigger and He is all powerful.

 I am tired, so I will go for now. I will reach for the seemingly unreachable today, for I know that sometimes even the pursuit of it will bring upon a blessing I had never imagined could be.

Dancing in the rain

Yesterday I was able to dance in the rain. A huge thunderstorm went over, and as it broke I ran out side to watch the lighting strike and dance in the falling rain.

It was so refreshing.


Had a lot of testing time with a good friend this week. Its amazing how a little communication can really up your mood! I got a lot of good advice, as usual, and even passed some of it on to a frind.

need to go! My Challa ( sabbath bread) is near done baking!

Storms

Sometimes I look around me, at all the things I see, all the things I know, and I take in account all the things I am not supposed to know, and I wonder,”can the world get any worse?”

Everyone knows that’s the kind of question you should never ask, because 99% of the time, it does get worse; a rain cloud breaks open over your head and drenches you to your bones.

Sometimes I even think “what’s the point of fighting anymore?” But then I realize that if we don’t fight, if we just lay down the and become cattle most people seem to want to be, that this world really is going to go to hell in a basket, and only a few people, who feel they own the air we breath and the water we drink, and the sky above us, will be left to carry our little wicker baskets out to the fire holes and drop us in, one by one.

The problem is, so few fight. So few stand their ground, or even push the front line farther creating beach heads. And the few that do, often are forced to do it alone, and either fall behind enemy lines as the lines come crashing in behind them, or are burned so badly they have a hard time wanting to get up to try again.

So many storms come, and people flock for shelter cursing the cold rains, the floods, the wetness of the trousers they wear that will soon dry, or the papers they could just reprint. So few stop to see the change a storm can bring, the freshness in the air once it’s gone.  And granted, the metaphorical storm here is rarely a storm we would ask to go through, or want to go through, or even fear to go through, there is still something, some small gem to be found in a storm.

Perhaps it’s nothing more than a friends smile, or clutch of their hand when we cry. Perhaps is just the feeling of strength that surges through our souls when we realize we made it through to the other side and have come out stronger than we were before. Perhaps it’s the knowledge that this is one storm we won’t have to go through again.

What ever the rainbow may be that we find on the other side of our storms, the point is even the worst storm in our lives can be somehow be turned around into a well of strength to fight through another day, another week, another year. It gives us the courage to face our enemies, whether in our own mind or on a real front, even if we fear we may lose. We know we can’t give in, to give up is to fail, and to fail is to give evil an overhand.

So what do we do? We learn to dance in the rain.

This is me. I dance in the rain.

Midweekend refelections

Oh how I wish that my day was spent doing something as lovely and creative as this! Alas, it was a chore day.

... four loads of laundry
... a load of dishes ( still have half one left plus putting a way)
... replanting my pumpkins
... vacuuming and covering the couches with cat hair resisters..... (like its really going to work!)
... started working on the errors I need to fix on my embroidery project for work. Spent over an hour on that alone!
... and I have a whole lot more on my list to do

All in all its been a good day. Three day weekends are lovely.

Hot dogs, nerves, and the weridness of books

I just cant get over it! Seriously how can a book publishing house miss the fact that the last 60 pages in a book is wrong!

Seriously, it goes from page 200 to 233. Then it goes from 233 to the end of the book WHERE the book jumps BACK to page 233 and REFINISHES the book! So I have the last page twice, the glossary twice, AND the first section of book two TWICE.... but no idea what happens between page 200 and 233.... *sigh*

The past week has been busy. Thankfully I had work everyday. Friday one of the kids decided to pretend she owned a beauty salon and gave me mud eyeshadow and lipstick. She then decided to paint my finger nails with tree pitch. She is rather cute, but I decided the pitch was a bit to much and let her borrow my clear nail polish.

Been sleeping poorly this week. Had the weirdest dreams. I would share them, but then they could be contageious.

I would LOVE to have hot dogs right now. Something about the warm weather, and watching the neighbor clean his grill today got me in the mood. Unfortunatly I have nothing, unless you consider the condements, for hot dogs. Would allso love a cup of tea. However I have no honey, sugar, or steevia! *sigh* some days you just don't have any luck.

My nerves have been odd today. My finger nails are gone...... GO FIGURE. Been feeling a bit overwhelmed this week. Probably due to the weird dreams and lack of sleep :) but my imagination is not dead that's for sure!

If you hear of a woman getting kidnapped by Sasquatches in my area? It was probably me out hunting for that elusive picture for national geographic. 

Gardening... cats.. and badgers

Its been so cold lately, that I have to wonder what happened to our spring! We have even had frost a few nights.

Last week I saw what I thought was a new stray cat eating at our bread we had left out for the birds. Turns out it was a badger! I got to watch him for about an hour. He's been back a few times, although always after I have gone to bed. I am going to have to find a way to video him some time.

A friend has given us a section of land to loan for a garden spot! I am so excited. I know its going to be hard work, and its been ages since I have actually done any real gardening, but I am looking forward to the challenge. Today we bought the seed potatoes, and other seed we are going to put in. We have to break the ground, and hope to plant next week as it will be warming up.

My cats have decided that I don't need sleep lately. When my husband comes to bed, they decide I need to get up. I don't, and if I lay quietly enough they will eventually go and sleep at my feet. Tigger, my very gorgeous large male, is sitting on my lap watching me type.

Worked every day this week, although its only half days. Its been rather fun as I have had lots of energy to play with the kids. Looks like I could be working at this place for the next few weeks. I would love that.

The book I ordered a month ago came today. Its a fun little birthday present that cost me 11 buck including shipping. It's not intellectual like all the others I have been reading lately, and I got it for some down time. Have been reading a series lately, for teens, to help boost my vocab. Its been amusing, and relaxing.

 

Wet cats and womtailbats

       In truth, this blog has nothing at all to do with womtailbats, but when I was thinking of a title, that came to mind. I don't even know if there IS such a thing as a womtailbat! But here shown below, you can at least see a wet cat.... who remarkably managed to dry himself very fast.

But I digress.... Today was rather.... odd for a humpday. ( you know the day in the middle of the week... you head up the hump to Wednesday and head down the hump to Sabbath).

Sometime ago I agreed to take my neighbor NOW AND THEN to the kindergarten so she didn't have to take the bus and get stranded in town for hours each morning. I mean like... once a in a while, and she offered to pay gas for the trips I took her on. No problem... I thought. But somehow she got the idea that it should be a daily arrangement, and I am not so fond of that idea. Today was once such day. I was not feeling well yesterday, so I had my husband tell her I was still in bed when she came to ask me to take them. So this morning I got up, even though I didn't know if I was working or not, and got ready to take them. After waiting 40 mins and not seeing a sign of them, I crawled back in bed to rest. It was rather annoying because I could have slept.

I got up and worked on my project that NEVER seems to end... you know the embroidery project? and then went in to town for a couple of errands. One of which was picking up a couple of new books at the library! To bad there is only two more in the series I am reading :( and the library isn't sure they have last one yet as it just came out. Finished my other errand and came home. I had just gotten settled in my chair when we got a call from a friend to come help her plant her fruit trees..... SO we got up and spent 2 hours helping her get them in. Only three weren't finished today due to the bad weather that had crept over the landscape from them oment we started.

We got home soaked from the rain and hail, but thankful we had managed to get most of them planted. Then we warmed up in a shower, and washed the cats. Tigger had crawled in bed with me last night and smelled horrid, so it was a must.....

And now we are sitting by a cozy fire, smelling the fresh sent of our wet cats, thankfly I lke the smell of their shampoo which is made for pets, and waitng for diner to be finished!

And there's the buzzer! FOOOOOOOD time!

Days that seem to speed on by

Can you believe is April already? I mean, wasn't it just December last week? I don't know about the rest of you, but it seems like so much has happened the past four months that a whole year could have gone by, and yet if you turn over the coin it seems like time is just flying by.

Today I woke up at 10. Actually I was before that, but I laid in bed cuddling my cat, snuggled up next to my husband, listening to the birds chirping outside. Then I got up, made myself a hot drink, and took my bible out side to read in the early morning sun. Tasia, my cat, was rather active so I put her on her leash and took her out to play in the dew strewn grass. I got about an hour of reading in before the neighbor girl saw me sitting outside and headed over to say hello. She is rather loud and rambunctious, but this time she came quietly and Tasia let her pet her. It was rather cute.

I suppose it sounds odd that I woke up at 10 on a Sunday morning, but yesterday we went with some friends to an evening meeting. A speaker from the states was vising someone she knew so she asked if we all wanted to go and hear what he had to say.  I had already heard what he was sharing in the final two meetings, but there is something to be said for hearing things you already know from another perspective. He did make some good points, however, about how our out ward shows of religious fervor should be toned back, and in many cases should be considered for private worship rather than the possibility of doing such behaviors and being seen as being prideful, or merely wishing to show off or even imitate others. I of course just now reworded it, but the way he put it was rather well put and stuck with me.

I think its fascinating how you can get a group of strangers in a home, or some small area and they just seem to mesh into this mass of interesting conversations. Last night, amid all the conversations, a Tom turkey was strutting around proudly announcing to the world that 7 little ones had hatched the night before. I am quite sure many in the room thought I was rather odd as I had a very hard time keeping my grins to myself each time he gobbled. After most of the people had traveled home, one of the ladies came out with two brand new kittens. They were adorable.

Today I started spring cleaning in our bedroom. I aired out the blankets, changed the sheets, swept, vacuumed and mopped the floor/carpet and washed down the rails, walls and side tables. Got the kitchen started too. I am not done with either room, but at least they are started and looking and feeling much better. I have decided that we need to sort through the house. we have to many things. But that will take time.


One accomplishment lately is that I have read 4 and 1/2 books in the past month. I haven't been doing a lot of reading lately, so to have that many in a month is a positive thing for me. I even ordered myself a book from a series I read a bit from in college just because. It's been like 4 years since I bought my self a "play" book. I have also been reading a book called "Is it really that simple? - a biblical look on healing the mind." i'm afraid I don't recall who the author is right now, but its a case study a psychologist did on several patients where the normal way of treating a patient didn't work. I picked it up from a professional curiosity and as it was highly recommended by a counselor friend I know, I thought it would be an interesting read. So far it is. I am about half way through it.

And that's today's - Tea time for two...... what did you drink today?

The Learning Curve

Today, Jan 14, was a special day for me, in a rather hard way. Instead of wallowing in self pity, or allowing my head to go to sad or depressing thoughts, I  chose to continue the thinking process I have had the past few days. I also chose to go to work, and even though I found it hard to stay focused, and even had to tell the woman in charge of the class room I was working in why I was a bit distracted, I feel it was therapeutic for me to do.

I even went back and updated and added to the My "simple" garden path blog post that I had written last February as I realized a lot of the things I had gone through and what they really meant.

These past 11 months have been quite trying on me, and I was looking back over them wondering what I have learned and how I have changed during the process.

I have learned the difference between sexual attraction, family love, brotherly love, and Agape in ways that I could never have imagined.

I have become stronger in what I believe, and in my search for truth.

I have become a stronger person as I have passed through this fiery time, and I as  continue to pass through it.

 I have learned that I do have a voice, and that I do have important things to say. I have learned that I do not need to put up with others bad thoughts, or words, or feelings nor do I need to care about them. They are living their own lives... let them wallow in what ever deep murky pit they choose to be in. However, I will be there for them when they decided to seek for help.

I have learned that I am worthy of love and affection, and that I should never withhold myself from one who is seeking friendship. I have learned that to do withhold myself can cause future pain and remorse as well.

I have learned that through sickness and pain I can also become more focused and determined.

I have learned that even a cat who does not show affection can see and understand grief and pain and changed to become a loving caring individual.

Most of all I have learned that God wants to be my best friend... to fill the loss that I have experienced and that when I allow him to reside in my heart others can see him through me.

I have learned that I can reach past the boundaries of my fear and touch the lives of others both physically and spiritually in ways I only dreamed and long to do before.

And I have learned that when one asks in desperation for something from God, even if they don't quite know what they are asking for, He will often give it, even if it something as powerful as a double portion of ones spirit.

I have learned many things, and I will continue to. My grief is still not completely over, but I am moving on in power and hope knowing God has a plan for my life, and that this pain I have been forced to endure will work in be to better my character for his glory.

Both pictures were taken from the internet and are not mine.