Day 4

A wise "virgin" who now sleeps waiting for her Lords return

I am doing much better today, although my chest feels like I have a weight on it and my heart has given me stings now and then. I cried this morning several times before 12, so I stayed home from work. It wasn't a problem as my boss was not expecting me before Thursday anyway.

For any of you reading who have not gotten my emails, or notices, my best friend died on sabbath.

I have been in a horrible shock, and pain that I have never before experienced and is overwhelming. I actually had to stop and go through the past few days with kyrre as I couldn't remember what I had done. I had not forgotten, I have just been in such a fog that I couldn't remember.

Today I got on face book and went through students pictures and her kids pictures and found ones i didn't have to add to my collection. One fact stood out. Because I was not able to go with them on the trips, and when I did i was in the kitchen, there were no pictures where we were together, let alone in the same room. It made it feel like I didn't know her at all, and that hurt. I managed to find 4 more pictures in my own files that had kyrre and I and she together, and I put them out. It was for me, really. No one else cares that I was not in pictures with her.

The arrangements are falling into place for her funeral. Thankfully the kids and her mother will not have to pay for any of the service other than what flowers they would like. I also looked at flowers today. I hate the fact that they are so expensive to have arrangements done, so Kyrre and i are trying to find an arrangement that is a decent price and doesn't look like I went down to the local drug store to get them.

I have been hurting and crying so much that kyrre is afraid I am going to have a long term illness or heart condition from it. I told him I do not believe that to be the case as I have hope in the resurrection, but I am so empty at the same time. Vivian also had this same hope and developed a heart pain after her father died, but he was family so I will just watch myself and see. I am fairly certain the heart pains are from grief and the fact that i have not been able to eat very much, and have kept my self very busy at the same time.

The next few weeks and months will be the hardest as the students come back, and we try to keep the school running for the rest of the school year.  I would not be surprised if they ask me to step in as her sub, and I will be willing to do that.

I miss her. I still feels unreal some times as she was gone for a month before she died, so it kinda feels the same. I still wake up each morning with her in my mind, so instead of praying for her as my habit was, I have decided to pray for her kids, which I will do from here on out. I am not their mother, but at least the will still have someone motherly praying for them.

I don't want to cry again right now, so I am not going to do any journaling on the past few days, or on her. I have been chatting and emailing people stories and things, so I have been collecting those. I also have the last 3 letters I wrote her here at the house, and I am hoping to get the rest from the boys when they clean her room.

Its hard to remember that when I am hurting as much as I am that others may be hurting worse. Seems hard to believe, but I am sure it is true. and if they are not hurting more or even the same, they are still hurting. She touched so many lived in the 7 or 8 years she was here that it is completely mind blowing. They are actually going to have to send hand invites to dinner that follows. I will be helping serve as her mother asked me. I won't be able to sing, so at least that I can do. I wish I could sing for her, for those hurting, but I hurt when others hurt and I cry when others cry, so it makes it hard to sing at funerals.

I am tired. heading to bed.

g'night