Day 5

The past five days I have been soul searching, cleansing and spending a lot of time in the bible and in prayer. I have found that I am at peace with her passing, as she will not have to face the evils of this world, nor that of the times that are coming. Yet I still find it hard to believe that her work is done and over.

I find it hard to believe that I will never get to cuddle or hug her again, to do random or very normal daily tasks, or give her the love and care she needed. She was such a blessing to me and filled a hole in my heart that has always been there, but never fully filled by anyone.

But even though she is gone, I do not feel empty. I still feel her inside, and as I remember, I can smile again.

No, my grieving is not past. I cried myself to sleep last night, and cried through my morning prayers, but thankfully my new task of praying for her children has helped me find a purpose. I ordered flowers today, and on the ribbon I asked them to write, Good bye, dearest friend. As you said " I'll see you soon". We look forward to that day. Christina and Kyrre. I have never bought flowers for a funeral before other than a single rose, but this time I needed too. I needed something from me to be with her. Perhaps that sound silly, but it was a comfort. I realize she will never see them, and that the display is more for the family and friends, but I needed to give her something. And yes, if this world lasts, I will place a flower on her birthday, and a candle at Christmas. At least I have a place to go if I need. 

I received a lovely email today about how heaven sees death, and I will be sitting down to read it this evening. If it is as comforting as it seems to be, I will ask permission to send it to her eldest son who is not handling this well.

I have to go back to work tomorrow. I hope I am able to function.