Monday...

         I have been quiet the past few days. Partly this is due to the fact that I had no idea what to write about, and partly I have been in thought after some comments I got after my last post. If I had thought about it, I did have plenty to write about, I just thought it was rather boring.

         Today I woke rather discouraged. I had dreamed I was present when Vivian's body was found, and that I had been the one who was trying to revive her. It's amazing how dreams can feel so real. Smells like the salt water in the air, the feel of the cold wetness of water still dripping from ones body, the sand under ones feet, the feel of her hand as I cradled it to my cheek, or the coldness her forehead as I kissed her goodbye. I felt as if I had been there, in a way, and I truly understood what her kids had had to go through that day.

          But I forced myself out of bed, and forced the sicking feeling in my gut a way, jumped in to clothes, made myself something warm to drink, ate and visited with my husband as he drove me to work.

          Work was rather fun today. Nothing interesting happened, it just ran smoothly. We waited on customers that came, I cut out more shirts for the bunads we are making. My boss asked if I wanted to take 2 hours a week and teach new immigrants how to knit. Its not paid through the store, and I told her I would think about it while she found out if I could. There was something about them wanting a Norwegian, and she was not sure if an American, living here permanently would work. But that, with the two cleaning jobs I have, a few hours every other week, and once every other month, would give me a little extra pocket money.

         Last Wednesday my cat, Tasia had a doctors appointment. The doctor said she was in good health, but that her smell issue was probably caused by jumping from high places.We had rearranged the house 1 year ago, roughly, and it was about the same time my cat started having the issue in the first place. This meant rearranging the house again, which we did. Once I got home that night. It took all evening, and we had lots that we didn't manage to get back into place. and still haven't. I had planned to do it over the weekend, but plans changed.

       A friend text ed me in tears late Friday. She had been a student of Vivian, and one week after Vivian died her grandfather had also passed away under questionable circumstances. She was handling it all well enough until she had a fight with her boyfriend and she broke. So I dropped everything, and invited her up for the weekend in my messy house. She didn't care, and we had a blast. We talked things out, watched movies, I knitted, and she crocheted.

     The students came home Friday, and left a gain today for a two week trip to Germany. I and Kyrre had to drive them down to the airport as the whole group, teachers and all, were going. The vans could have stayed at the airport, but it was cheaper to drive there and back, and there again to pick them up when they return. It took longer than I anticipated, and after leaving at 2:30, we didn't arrive back home until 6 pm.The trip was hard for me, but I was glad I took it. There are going to be a lot of first times with out Vivian, and I would prefer to get them over quickly so the pain part is over, and I can have the good memories. I miss her terribly, but I am trying to face each time I know will be difficult with a smile. I allow myself to think of the hard part for a few mins before it happens, and as it happens, then dismiss it and try to focus on the here and now, but there will always be moments where my hear hurts, or my eyes tear up. Like when I saw the student Vivian and I teased a lot. The three of us had been friends for 6 years, and it was a bit odd having her as a student, so we played with each other, the three of us, a bit more than we normally would other students. She was happy to see me too, and it was wonderful to hug someone who truly understood and needed someone to understand her.

And now I have to tackle my kitchen. I seriously wish I could just throw everything out and buy it new as it would be faster, and much less stressful, but that would be wasteful. I am just very tired and honestly don't care at this exact moment in time. But I put the dishes off last night, so I can' really blame anyone but myself.

I have decided that I am tired of having the same foods. I have some how gotten myself in a rut. We have been eating lots of stir fry, pretty much the same each time, pasta, again pretty much the same, and other variations of rice. I am a much better cook than that, and I am surprised that I have gotten bored with food! I guess I have just not been using my imagination, or trying hard enough. I am planning lentils for tomorrow. I know that sounds every day, but its been ages since I made them, and a good pot sound good about right now. I even bought celery last week! The problem I have been having lately, is that what sounds good today, and I prepare for tomorrow, nearly gags me the next. I have no idea why as I am not at all a picky eater. I have just been having a hard time enjoying food of any kind lately.

I have also been working on my sourdough. I found a book a while back on kindle that had three old world sourdough recipes in it. one of them is almost exactly the same as the one I had used in the states, so I have been working on getting it up and running. its exciting to see it in action.

Ok I have procrastinated enough. Toodles!

Something to think about

Tired and overly comtemplative

There are moments about my job that drive me crazy. One of them is that there are time I get way too much time to think. It was that way yesterday and today. Yesterday we got a huge supply of buttons in, worth a 2 months pay  for a normal paid job, and I had fun today and yesterday sorting them and putting them into place. I must say that i didn't manage to get the button section sorted the way I would have liked, as we do not have the space, but it was fun to play with all the new buttons and see all the colors.

Today i finished sorting them and then unpacked our 5 or 6 boxes of yarn. Both jobs gave me way too much quiet time in thoughts.

My thoughts turned yesterday to Vivian, and the school. Today my thoughts turned to the school and work. Its rather discouraging to me that I am working at two jobs that love me, but neither can really ford me. The bible school doesn't know what they would do with me if I was working there. The store wants me and knows exactly what they would do with me, but they can not afford another worker. They already have one too many, and the older ladies won't be retiring for a few years.

I think the bible school is the worst. It's hard to know what I have been doing wrong, or what I have not been presenting in order for them, I am referring to the remaining staff and perhaps even the board,  to not see me as a good fit. Vivian told me several times, quite forcefully, that I was now a member of the family and to not feel in the way, or out of place, ever. I often did. I didn't feel like I fit, no matter how hard I tried.

Now I feel the same again. A position is open, but they do not see me as a good fit. I can agree perhaps with the long term as they need a health teacher, but I thought there were other things I could have done. It seems that all they really want me for is extra work. Work that is important yes, but I have a hard time understanding why the student workers or even the students are not being asked to do that. The work is something I have a hard time seeing as being a staffs responsibility.

I realize we are still very soon after the schools loss, and we are all still reeling from it, but we only have a few more weeks till the students come back. Vivian's classes are going to be covered by one of the students who has a been taking special classes the past months, and the other staff are going to be caring her secretarial side of things. Her impact job is already covered.

I am happy for that yes, but I am sitting once a gain in a position where I have no idea what to do.  I only have four more months I can have the internship I have now, and I haven't the faintest idea what or where I should go, or do. I hate the idea of sending out job applications as I feel I am some how giving up on working at the school. I also know that most of the jobs I am applying for will not even consider me, or I am not qualified for.

 Two years now I have been looking for full time work, and all the time I have been praying I have believed, and still do believe, that God wants me at the bible school. I just can't understand how its supposed to happen. I am even now starting to wonder if it will.

I just feel like I have been at the cross roads for a long time. I thought I had moved on when I took this internship and started volunteering at the school. but now if feels like i have been walking in place when I thought I was heading down the path.

The last day of "peace"

Fall 2012, my home made hat

This past month has been one roller coaster of a month. I love roller coasters, unless I happen to get unlucky that day and end up sick to my stomach, which is not as often as it used to be. However this roller coaster has not  been fun.

For me, the month started two weeks before that with a series of 3 dreams, which i fear are to private for me to post here. But it cast a sense of foreboding over my life, it which I began to pray in earnest. I have often wondered why those prayers went unheard, but someday I will see that they weren't, and I will see how they were in fact the exact prayers that were needed at that time.

Then I had the next few weeks, which I have written about here. Things  I have not talked about, to my knowledge, were the phone calls and visits to Vivian's mom the day of and the few days after the accident. There are other things, things that angered me that I can not write here, things having to do with conversations and peoples actions in her family that I will journal else where perhaps.

There were the day the kids asked us over for dinner, and we watched the final sermon and pictures from her trip to New Zealand. There was the sabbath lunch and play time where it was obvious her kids had bonded with me in a way they had never done before, and the hours I spent with her daughter as she started going through her moms room, and packing up her own things for her trip to her new school.


There was the reaction to the family when, by accident, the dreams were revealed. All of these left me dizzy, and out of control.


And there is my own grief and the swinging of my moods. The past few days have made me feel nearly as if I had never really known her. Not that I believe that, but it is such a stark contrast against the waves of tears and weakness, heat pains and despair I had the first two weeks of after her death and then again the days surrounding her funeral. I know it is not wrong. It is wonderful that I can smile again, that I can listen to her music and see her on recording or in pictures with out bursting in to tears. I still have a fog in my head, and some times I still space off, or need things repeated, but it is so different that it almost feels wrong too.

Summer trip 2007

 But there have been two other very huge things that have happened on the world front that I have not mentioned at all. Only a few days after Vivian died, a gigantic fire ball fell over Moscow and burst into three parts hitting Moscow and 2 other cities. they say if it had not split, that Moscow would have been destroyed.

And then there is the fact that the pope is abdicating his thrown and a new one will be crowned before this coming weekend is out.

These two facts alone, and in my life put together with Vivian's early death only plants deeper in my heart the fact that we are near the end. Today is what I believe the last true day of peace. I think it will take time before others have also understood this, and it will be announced "peace peace" but it will be all lies.

Health Expo, 2007

In a way I envy Vivian. She is asleep. She is unaware of the changes going on around her. She won't have to see her loved ones suffer the elements as the world begins to slowly tear itself apart both from nature and from human devising. She will rest waiting for Gods return.


I have just noticed the clock, and my Tasia, ( my female cat) has decided that I need to go to bed now. I agree. It's nearly the weekend, but I am tired. My arthritis has been playing nasty tricks on me the past few days, and i need to clean the church tomorrow.

Tasia and I last fall

Oh one other thing that has been a disappointment. My locket chain broke this week, officially. I don't have the money to get a new one, so I am looking for solutions. I have worn it nearly every day since Vivian died. I know its rather silly to some, but it has been a huge comfort to me to have her with me at least in that way.

Good night.

The day part 2

 Tuesday night, the 19th of Februruary, I went home from work tired. My co-workers had been very understanding that day, which was good, as I could barely think. I made it home, made supper, ate 1/3rd of mine, then headed out the door. We had a 6 pm appointment to decorate the hall we had rented for Vivian's memorial dinner.

After arriving, we all pushed tables around for a while, waiting for a final desiciion to be made. After nearly an hour, I got fed up with the argueing and rearrangeing and started orginizing the others to help me set the tables. By the time the other two teachers had decided where the wanted the table for the family, we were nearly done.

I was amazed at how fast and efficiently it went, seeing as at two separate occasions people grinned at me, patted me on the shoulder and commented on the fact that I couldn't think at all. I couldn't. I could not remember the names of half the people there. The only thing driving me was the thought that the hall needed to be perfect. By the end of the evening everyone was asking me where I wanted things, if I was pleased with how it looked, and so forth. I wasn't even the one in charge for the event! I went over everything so many times, I probably looked like I was walking in circles.  I moved flowers here and there, until finally I realized that things could not be better and I should go home to bed.  Before I left, I stood in the doorway and looked over the room. One of the ladies, the head deaconess of our church, came over and stood next to me and said, almost reverently, Vivian would be proud of your work Christina. She would have loved it. All I could say was , I hope so.

Good night dearest friend. As you said, "I'll see you soon". We look forward to that day. Christina and Kyrre

 I could not get to sleep that night. I think it was nearly 1am before I finally closed

my eyes and slept. I woke early,  showered and tried to find food. It didn't work. On the way to the funeral, Kyrre stopped and bought something simple, which I managed to eat half of. The funneral was not until 12:30, but the youth choir was practicing a song at 11. I had refused to sing a solo number for either the funneral or the memorial dinner, and I did not know the songs my choir was singing that day, so I decided I should try to sing in the youth choir. Both Vivians mom and her youngest son were disapointed I was not singing, so I felt I needed to try.

I walked into the memorial hall to check all was in order, then headed over to the church to help set out reserved signs for the family and main choir. When I walked in I saw Vivian's coffin. I felt like a brick wall and swung down from the ceiling and collided with me. I turned and nearly ran out of the church. Thankfully I have an internship at the store across the road, so I walked over there and walked around for a few mins. They asked why I was there on my day off, and when I had the funeral, and I told them I had just waked into the church and needed to escape for a few mins. They smiled, and then let me be until I was ready to go. I walked back to the church, and this time made it up to the flowers. I was fighting back rolls of emotions, but with the deaconesses help, I found mine and read the note. It was lovely. But I then turned and found a quiet place in the back of the church, on the steps and cried until i was able to control myself again. I cried so many times that day, but thankfully managed to do so in areas where not  a lot of people were around.

The service was lovely. I greeted Vivian's mom before, then sat down behind the choir as close as I could to both Vivian's coffin and the family. There were so many songs. We talked about Vivian's life, I learned a few things I didn't know, and then the sermon itself were bible texts taken from her own bible. The pastor had borrowed it and found passages she had underlined.

At the close of the program, I managed to get up and sing with the choir. Many who had heard the choir practice, which I was not able to be a part of, came up to me afterwards and told me it was wonderful that I could join them. They said that I carried the choir, and it was so much better with me being there. Vivian's mom had also seen me go up and join the choir. Although she didn't comment on it, she had been smiling at me as we sang.

After the choir sang, they carried Vivian out. I managed to move to where I was in the front row near her as they took her out, and I followed the family out. We stood around the car, and then the drove her away. She had to be cremated, due to the fact that her dad was only buried a year ago. So we will be putting her in the ground come spring.

Two friends of mine came, both had known Vivian, one as a student, one just in passing. The one in passing told me that she had come just for me, as she knew what it was like to lose a best friend, and she knew I would be trying to keep a good face as I was working at the school. She knew I would be trying to comfort the others and would need someone to comfort me. She met me at the door of the church after the service was over.

We had over 300 people come to the funeral, and over 200 that came to the dinner. Both numbers were higher than we had anticipated. Thankfully we had made enough food, but sitting room was a bit scarce. Lots of people sang, told memories of Vivian, and shared pictures.

During the slide show, presentation, I was holding a baby. He had lunged at me as his parents passed by, so I picked him up and played with him. I started to cry about half way through, and looked down at the baby to see he was ok. He stared up at me with little concerned eyes, and then slowly reached up with his little 6 month (?) old hand and placed it on my cheek. He held it there staring into my eyes until I started to smile. Then he grinned and went back to playing in my arms. 

After the dinner, I helped pass the flowers out to the helpers, then take the larger ones to place on Vivian's dads grave. It looked so lovely. It was cold for 4 days, so the flowers would have held there from and color for a while.

I had to let some older ladies in to the school, and we ended up sitting there talking until 10, or 10:30. At one point one of Vivian's scarves ended up on my lap. I was so over whelmed by her smell that everyone in the room vanished .I couldn't hear or see anyone. I picked the scarf up and held it to my face and breathed deeply. It was wonderful to smell her again. I had always loved the way she smelled, and even funnier still, she loved the way I smelled to. She said I smelled like the best friend she had had as a child.  The memory broke, however, when I heard a whisper from the far side of the room.  Vivians second eldest whispered to his sister, "What is she doing?" To which I heard Julia reply, "It smelles like mom!"

I was embarrassed. I would never had done that in a room full of people, but as I said, they had all faded a way and I had forgotten they were even there. I asked Julia about it a few days later, and she said that he had just thought it was funny, not weird. He had seen his sister smelling his moms things, but he was surprised to see someone else doing it, even a close friend like me. 

After church we ate lunch with the family, and youth from the church. then we went out playing in the snow. It was clear that Vivians youngest two kids have bonded with me. We played now and then when they were here before, but this day we were playing constantly, grabbing up the other kids in our play. They were over joyed to see me each time I came, and Julia even said that she sees so much of her mom in me, that it felt like she wasn't gone some times. For me, having them here has made it easier to face that she was no longer here.

Today they left. It was hard to see them taking things out of her room, and to see them pack themselves into the car and pull away. Two of them will be gone for a year.

The one positive thing about the day, was that Vivians choir dress fit me. I had not received mine yet, so I sent an email to the choir informing them that I had now received mine. It is wonderful to have a few things of hers to remember her by. I miss her so much, and I know I will always miss her, but I am so thankful that some day I will be able to hold her in my arms again. 

The day

I am exhausted, so I am not going to write my blog tonight. I will try to do it tomorrow. I will say however that today's funeral and memorial dinner was the BEST one I have ever been too. We even had nearly 100 guest more than were planned, even for the dinner, and it worked out just fine.

I will post later, however, as I would like to share some of the highlights of the day.

Good night.

Still and quiet thoughts

     Yesterday I was finally able to greet, comfort and hug Vivian's children, and former husband. It was wonderful to be able to hold them, and my nervousness had, as usual, been uncalled for. I had suspected that her daughter and her youngest son would be the ones who would be most upset, or moved by seeing me, but I was mistaken. It was her second eldest. He started crying down the hallway just from hearing my voice, and by the time he got to the office where I was waiting, his lip was quivering and his eyes were nearly flooding over.

It made since, once I got home and thought it over. He lived the closest of the kids, and had been around more often than the others. Vivian and I had often played together with his son, her grandson, and he would have seen the interactions between us more than the others.

The kids invited us to dinner, which we heartily accepted.  After dinner I started washing up the dishes as I am custom do doing, and I had to fight back waves of emotions. Vivian always stood at my side washing when I was there as a visitor not as a worker. I kept trying to hand her dishes, before I finally remembered. Her youngest son unloaded the clean dishes then helped me load and dry. We laughed, and talked. At one point I started crying, and he put his arm around me. I should have been holding him, but he held me and it was so wonderful to have that lovely support. When we were finished with the dishes they showed us the pictures of the trip to New Zealand, and the final sermon they had at the church. Vivian's final spacial music with her son was the hardest for me because I could see instantly she was not doing well that day. She had to catch breaths in the middle of her sentences, almost as if she was gasping for breath, and she was very pale. I couldn't understand how I could see this when her family, who had been there with her could not.

It was nice to see the pictures, her family, friends, and the places she had lived while she was down there. She would have shown me the pictures herself and told of the adventures, so that is one piece of the puzzle I was glad to have filled.

I slept well. When I woke, I knew everything was going to be alright. We got confirmation this morning that her coffin has been returned to Norway and is resting over the weekend at the hospital. She will be moved here on Monday, and the funeral will be Wednesday 12:30.

My sister in law and I had song service at church, the first time we have ever sang together just us. It went really well, even though we kept listening for each other. I think we will be able to duet soon, I taking the alto. She is a cold soprano meaning she is not able to sing anything other than soprano, and I am a warm soprano meaning I can sing 2 tenor up to 1st soprano.

My only negative was a reminder again that Vivian was not there. The school staff and family were invited to lunch, and Vivian was always the one dragging us along. I am part of the family, but no one ever remembers that. But I am also glad. I found out today that Vivian's former husband is heartbroken over her death. I didn't realise he still loved her that much. They divorced 10 or 15 years ago, and Vivian thought of him as a friend, and nothing else. It was not easy to know what to say. I just keep giving him hugs, and reminding him of our hope.

Lunch is ready. Time to eat.