Still and quiet thoughts

     Yesterday I was finally able to greet, comfort and hug Vivian's children, and former husband. It was wonderful to be able to hold them, and my nervousness had, as usual, been uncalled for. I had suspected that her daughter and her youngest son would be the ones who would be most upset, or moved by seeing me, but I was mistaken. It was her second eldest. He started crying down the hallway just from hearing my voice, and by the time he got to the office where I was waiting, his lip was quivering and his eyes were nearly flooding over.

It made since, once I got home and thought it over. He lived the closest of the kids, and had been around more often than the others. Vivian and I had often played together with his son, her grandson, and he would have seen the interactions between us more than the others.

The kids invited us to dinner, which we heartily accepted.  After dinner I started washing up the dishes as I am custom do doing, and I had to fight back waves of emotions. Vivian always stood at my side washing when I was there as a visitor not as a worker. I kept trying to hand her dishes, before I finally remembered. Her youngest son unloaded the clean dishes then helped me load and dry. We laughed, and talked. At one point I started crying, and he put his arm around me. I should have been holding him, but he held me and it was so wonderful to have that lovely support. When we were finished with the dishes they showed us the pictures of the trip to New Zealand, and the final sermon they had at the church. Vivian's final spacial music with her son was the hardest for me because I could see instantly she was not doing well that day. She had to catch breaths in the middle of her sentences, almost as if she was gasping for breath, and she was very pale. I couldn't understand how I could see this when her family, who had been there with her could not.

It was nice to see the pictures, her family, friends, and the places she had lived while she was down there. She would have shown me the pictures herself and told of the adventures, so that is one piece of the puzzle I was glad to have filled.

I slept well. When I woke, I knew everything was going to be alright. We got confirmation this morning that her coffin has been returned to Norway and is resting over the weekend at the hospital. She will be moved here on Monday, and the funeral will be Wednesday 12:30.

My sister in law and I had song service at church, the first time we have ever sang together just us. It went really well, even though we kept listening for each other. I think we will be able to duet soon, I taking the alto. She is a cold soprano meaning she is not able to sing anything other than soprano, and I am a warm soprano meaning I can sing 2 tenor up to 1st soprano.

My only negative was a reminder again that Vivian was not there. The school staff and family were invited to lunch, and Vivian was always the one dragging us along. I am part of the family, but no one ever remembers that. But I am also glad. I found out today that Vivian's former husband is heartbroken over her death. I didn't realise he still loved her that much. They divorced 10 or 15 years ago, and Vivian thought of him as a friend, and nothing else. It was not easy to know what to say. I just keep giving him hugs, and reminding him of our hope.

Lunch is ready. Time to eat.

A "simple" garden path

I found this picture of a garden path last summer and then again when going through my pictures today. I was struck with awe when I saw it because not only did it take a lot of work and planning, but creativity and patients as well. I found myself wondering how long it had taken to plan, and what the rest of the walk must look like. I studied the pattern, found myself desiring to create one of my own, started to design and draw it, and even finding a place to put one. The only step I didn't take was going out and finding the stones to build it.

I guess in a way I have been doing a similar process these past few days. For the past 6 years, the last year in particular, I found a "garden path" I wanted to imitate in the life of Vivian. I continued to study, watch, and learn from her until I realized that our simple surface friendship was not enough. It was clear I wanted more from the relationship, as did she. We became very close over the past year, and now that she is gone I have realized something. I have taken all the steps it took in order to build my own garden path, in shaping my life after hers save one. I haven't started to place my rocks in the right order to form my path. Why do you suppose that is?

Because I realized about 4 months ago that it wasn't her life I wanted to imitate. True I had a human companion to watch and learn from, and to love and care for, but she was merely a mirror, a reflector of her heavenly best friend. It was Him I wanted, Him I wished to reflect and imitate His life working through me as she allowed Him to work through her. There were even moments, many in fact, when she would look at me and she radiated a heavenly light that many people told me later they had also seen during times they had observed us together. She allowed God to work through her in a way I had never seen before in the life of another human being. She had a fire, a love, a passion that could only come from being plugged into the eternal God and father of us all.

This realization hit me even stronger last night when I carried out my pastors home work assignment. Sabbath he asked us to go home and write down 5 things we liked and admired about Vivian. He said it would help us get through this hard time. It took me 3 days to write my list, not because I didn't have anything to write down, but because I had too many things. It was hard to narrow down the list to 5. In fact I couldn't. I ended up with 8. These are not in any special order. Some will take explaining, so should be taken at face value until then.

1: Her willingness to forgive and forget

2: Her desire to touch me and have me close

3: Her child like cheerfulness and radiant smile (she also shined like the sun when she saw me and her eyes sparkled with a pure joy and love that was breathtaking)

4: Her honesty

5: Her willingness to heal both body and soul

6: Her ability to teach without saying a word

7: Her faith

8: Her cleverness, and intuition, and wisdom in how to reach the human heart for Gods kingdom.

3 years ago Vivian did something, unintentionally which angered me to the point of not being able to even see her or talk to her outside of conversations that were necessary for day to day activities. We were on an impact trip, which made this worse. I knew that I should not let the sun go down on my wrath, but I was so angry I knew I would not be able to speak to her without making a scene. So I  decided to wait until I could. The problem was I waited too long and forgot why I was angry. She had hurt me, and after being deeply hurt by a friend a few years before resulting in losing nearly every friend I had at the time, I decided the risk wasn’t worth the aggravation. And I distanced myself. And then forgot the entire incident.

The next two years we were very pleasant to each other, and we were still friends, but I always felt there was something between us that I could not understand. There were moments when she would reach out to me, or share with me some rather odd conversation that I couldn’t understand why she was sharing such a personal thing with me. There were moments when I would see pain or confusion flash across her face. But I never dreamed it was I that was cause of this. Not until later.

It was April, 2012, when her father died.  I remember feeling panicked as I knew she was on a school trip, and she couldn’t even get home at the time. I insisted on attending the funeral, to support her even though I hadn’t known her father. I had to be there, as if something deep within me would not allow any other alternative.  It has been a beautiful service, but again I noticed something I had always seen. She cared for all, but whom, outside of her family, cared for her? It troubled me greatly.

Two weeks later she had to translate for a set of meetings. I was worried about her as I knew she was still in mourning. I was angry and tried to find anyone who could take her place, but it was not possible. She was still pale, and quiet compared to her normal bubbly and playful self and I pulled her back as she was heading through the doors to the first meeting. I hugged her, really hugged her for the first time in years and wished her luck. She whispered back, "Pray for me. I feel out of sorts!" Of course I said I would. And I did. 

But during that meeting the speaker or more like God, was speaking through the speaker to me.  He said, “You can not pray for someone unless you have forgiven them.”

I went home and cried. The next day  I asked Vivian for a moment of her time, and when she came to me later that day, I told her that God had reminded me of my anger during my long night, and I asked her forgiveness for not coming to her sooner. She asked forgiveness for her actions that had caused my anger in the first place even before I had had time to tell her what had happeend. and I was touched by her willingness to right any wrong, and forgive any deed. Her action had not been meant, and I had known that. She and I had both been utterly exhausted and stress had gotten the better of us. I told her how foolish I had been in not coming to her that same day. And I confessed how little the thing she had done truly was in comparison to the awful sin in holding my anger against her. I told her I had tried to keep my distance, she looked at me, and with tears in her eyes she said "I know. I should have come to you sooner. I just thought you were busy and would come to me when. But I did notice.”

My heart broke. Instantly my mind was taken back to a night only a short time before when she had tried to contact me, and I had brushed her aside, and I had seen the pain and confusion go over her face. And I realized that I had done what I hated seeing others do, I had used her, hurt her, and there was nothing in this world I could do to make it right. 

That day I was filled with such a love for her, it could only be explained as Gods agape. And our friendship grew strongly and rapidly until she was my best friend and I was hers. She forgave me and forgot the situation entirely.  I have also forgiven myself, but I have always regretted the lost time that I wasted in my anger. She had tired desperately time and time again to reach me, and I had pushed her away out of my own stubborn pride. 

To many times I had been hurt, by those I loved dearly even by those who were supposed to be my protectors, and I refused to let this be my fate again. But God won out, as did she, and I am so very very thankful they did. It was I who ended up hurting myself. Even today, knowing that I can never hold her in my arms again I wonder at how petty the human heart can be, and how such stupid little things can separate us from those we care about simply because we are not allowing Gods hand to work in our lives.

The only other one that needs to be explained. In this day and age, most people keep to themselves. Most shake hands, or give a passing hug, and that's it. Vivian was different. She would link her arm in mine, like we were school girls, or hold my hand if we happened to be standing near each other in a crowd. Usually I just needed to ask her something, and then a few minuets would go by and I realized she was holding my hand. She would hug me and hold me as if she never wanted to let go. And even if she had only seen me a day or two before, she would hug me as if it had been months since our last meeting. She would often take my face in her hands, or cup my cheek in her hand and often she would kiss my cheek or forehead.

I learned from Vivian. I watched as she would from time to time reach out in the same manor to a needy soul, healing them of the pain they had inside. She would also massage out the pains in others, or sing a blessing over them. But one thing I had always noticed is she never had someone to do those things for her. And I wanted to do that for her. I wanted to give, never asking for anything from her. She would give until she had no energy for herself, and I didn’t want to drain her, I wanted to lift her up. 
 I remember the day when I first reached for her cheek. I was terrified and she stood knowing, smiling, waiting, motionless. And as I did, I found the bond between us had already been there forged sometime long before, but it grew.  I had always longed to do this with others who needed them. Not all of them of course, but some.
I had fought this my whole life, and she taught me that it is Gods way to touch those in need. And I remember thinking that if Vivian were Jesus, he couldn't have been that much different that she.

As it says in the bible, "And Jonathan's heart was knit to David's heart and he loved him as he loved his own soul." This is what had happened. Sometime back, 3 years maybe even from the first moments I had met her and spent time with her during that first impact; Vivian's heart had knit itself with mine. Only I was too scared, and to hurt, to respond. But when I did, my heart knit itself to hers and I loved her as I loved my own soul. The love I had for her was above and beyond any love I had ever experienced before and was blessed by God. I truly learned what the bible means when it says “See how much they love each other,” or “Peter, do you Agape me?” I learned what the difference was between regular every day love between friends, the love between family, and Agape. 
Even she held a distiction with her love. She loved everyone from the first moment she met them, and admitted such to me, however she only said I love you to a select few. Her children, her mother, and her best friend. She understood what Agape was, and when she died, I believe I lost half of myself, and if not I surely felt as if I did.

As I looked over all these 8 things, something stood out. It was not Vivian I saw. It was Jesus. I desperately want to be like Jesus, because it was He reflected in her. And I realized that as I had watched and learned from her, I too had begun to act like she, and think like she, and when she died I naturally drifted to the source, and He began give me my stones for my garden path; the same stones he had gathered pain stakeingly for me and had waited so long for me to desire from Him. I can see the dusty path in front of me. Jesus stands before me with a wheel barrow full of beautiful decorative stones. He has handed me quite a few already in the past few days, but I know there are more, and when my path is done, when my journey is over on this earth, there will be another behind me to take the path I have continued after Vivian, and continue it on. There will be others, many others, and when the path is done, Jesus will return to take us over the path to His kingdom.

Right now I am in waiting mode. Waiting for her coffin to return, waiting for the date for the funeral. Waiting for her kids to return, and wondering how that will go. Waiting to wrap my arms around them and hold them close and share the love I had for Vivian with them. Waiting for a job to accept me, waiting to hear Gods plans for my present and future.  And yes, even now, waiting for the day He will return and hand Vivian back to me and the others who love and miss her.

There is lots of waiting in all of our lives.

         But the question is, are we still taking the time to form our garden path? Are we taking the time to connect with the Gardner?

Time will tell. 

--- edited twice... additions made

Bread in the oven

I managed to get a loaf of sourdough bread in the oven to day. Still have dishes to do, but I can get them in a bit.

I have been doing well the past few days, but I am not entirely sure that is a good thing. I felt myself close up a bit last week after some comments that were made, and even though I do not want to, I think I have at least a little bit.

I have been trying to be upbeat and carry a smile when I am around my sister in law and the other coworker at the school. I managed Friday night when they came to visit. During church, which the pastor talked about Vivian and talked about deeper veiws on death, and how to grieve, and yet still be able to go on without breaking down.

 I had cried once, before the sermon. Its frustrating when people forget that I work at the school. The other two teachers were getting sympathies, and I was forgotten. I wasn't jealous, but it hurt to remember that Vivian was always the one reminding people of the fact and making sure I was included in the work family.

Then during the sermon my tears welled up and as desperately as I tired to control them, I couldn't. It took nearly five min, to gain control, but I thankfully had a small boy on my lap playing with my phone, so I hid behind him, helped him color his pictures. My sister in law saw and put her arm around me. She cried too, and I held her hand with my free one.

I think it was a good thing for her to see. She challenged my husband when he told her how close Vivian and I had been. I never would have told her that, and I was rather upset at him for telling someone who would have been very sensitive to feeling like I was trying to be more important in a grieving process. But as she did challenge it, I think that it being a week later, and the fact that I am still crying should tell someone how deeply I hurt, but as I have said before I am trying to be there for others needs. To smile, and laugh and remind people of who Vivian was. But I feel that it could be mistaken for lack of grief too.

I still wake up in the night, but the times are fewer in between. I was allowed to take the two gifts I had given her home, and somehow that helped.

I realize that you, who may be reading this, may tire of my feelings and the emotions I am dealing with. That's fine with me. I just need to process, and to know that someone could be reading them.

I miss her. Part of me is still in denial. I still feel in part of my heart that she is only gone, that she is coming back. But I know that she won't at the same time. I bought her flowers, or rather ordered them. The family announced at church that they don't want people buying flowers, and that they should rather donate the money to the school. I can't do that. I have to say goodbye. I donate my time to the school. She can have a small token of my affection, my love, and my goodbye. She would have told me I was silly, and shouldn't have. I would  have just laughed and said yes I should have.

She gave me so much in her time, her love, and in what she taught me. It was natural for me to want to express my gratitude and love back. I had planned to give her a birthday gift when she got home, now I will lay it on her grave instead. It will be lovely, with her favorite colors, and the fresh touches of spring which is just around the corner. A reminder that soon oh so soon we will walk the streets in heaven together, when Jesus comes to claim us for his own.

A new view

Today the most extraordinary thing happened to me. I woke 4 or five times during the night thinking about Vivian, and decided it must mean her children, who were attending her funeral in New Zealand must be having a rough time and prayed for them. I woke about 15 mins before my alarm went off, again prayed for them before rising to go about my morning.

I wore a pair of black jeans and a white and black sweater, cotton, which happens to be one of my favorites. I then ate a small breakfast, packed a lunch and headed off to work. I cried on the way to work, while singing and praying, and made it to work 30 mins early, which was planned. I wanted to hit the ground running and show extra effort to my boss, who is always at work an hour on Thursdays before heading to her second store.

A few supplies were needed for the day, so I volunteered, and walked down the the shop praying for strength to get through the day. The ladies at work asked me gently about my loss, and wanted to know who it was as they had all lived in this area most of their lives. They were shocked, saddened when they found out who it was. through out the course of the day I shared bits and pieces to answer the questions.

But the part that really touched me was at lunch, I noticed for the first time that each and every one of my coworkers had worn black. not just a shirt or pants, but nearly completely black.  I was amazed and comforted. I do not think they planned this, but even if they did it was such a nice gesture and very unexpected. Even the lady that only works Thursday closing, whom I only see once a week wore black.

It was very clear to me, that even though I am only an intern there at the shop, it would appear by today's events that they think highly of me. Its not everyday that one wears the outfit of morning when a coworkers friend has died.

I read through the sermon I got in the email yesterday, and have a whole new picture on death. It is so encouraging, so beautiful, and comforting. I never before saw death as a beautiful thing, unless one had been suffering from illness. But to see how God views his sleeping saints brought more tears to my eyes, and the pain around my heart vanished. I still felt a weight on my chest, and I was still fuzzy in my head and un-concentrated, but the pain was gone. I grieve yes, for I still will not be able to hug her, touch her and smile and laugh with her, but to her.... only a month passed since she last saw me. And when she awakens, at some point in heaven, we will find each other and can once again be the best of friends.







 I ran across a pita bread recipe, which  have posted below. have been trying to make these for years and plan to make them next week. Maybe you would like to give it a try?

http://www.thefreshloaf.com/recipes/pitabread

Frusteration

Because I know not everyone who reads my blog is on face book, here is a picture of Vivian and I taken in the fall last year.


I talked with a lady from church yesterday, and due to my grief, I ended up sharing more with her than I meant to. she called today to make sure I wasn't going around telling everyone what I had shared and asked me to help calm others down if they were being to vocal, or sharing things too much about Vivian.She said it was better to honor Vivian by being calm and more still, or something of the sort. I didn't quite follow.

I have shared with a few, but only a few, and the pictures I had put up were supposed to be a comfort more than a proclamation of my friendship. Twice I stated that Vivian was MY best friend, not what she felt towards me, but that was in defense of two who attacked me for either not being part of the family or not working the two days I had off. It hurt.

The messages I sent to her children were only ones of encouragement, and they haven't been read yet. And two friends from face book have been chatting with me since the day of the accident helping me with a let out point. I admit that to these two I did bare my soul a bit more than with others, but it was due to their questions and kind reasoning. If I said anything amiss, it was merely out of my grief and the fuzziness my head was fighting the past few days.

I have a right to mourn! Yes I look forward to the resurrection and I should and will and do rejoice in this! But let me cry! let me mourn! Let me speak with found memories of that which was lost!

I had placed up two pictures that I had not wanted to share in the first place, but that I thought others might like, and they I took back to my heart. The rest stay, and shall. I will not let some little old lady with her own ideas of grief hurt my soul more than it already is. But yes, I will not announce my place holdings to the world. Why should I! We never said as much when she was a live! Why should I bare her secrets now in death? Others grieve and need to grieve with out feeling like someone else may be hurting more or feeling like they are hurting more. Yes I need support, but they do too, and I would never do anything to hurt anyone if I could help it.

To day for example I told a teenager whom Vivian was fond of that Vivian had told me she was sort of like a little sister to her. They were close, and she had never told her how she felt. I didn't wave the fact that Vivian I were best friends in her face! she left feeling special, loved and comforted.

Oh for a world where our words are not twisted about in the wind for others pleasure.

Day 5

The past five days I have been soul searching, cleansing and spending a lot of time in the bible and in prayer. I have found that I am at peace with her passing, as she will not have to face the evils of this world, nor that of the times that are coming. Yet I still find it hard to believe that her work is done and over.

I find it hard to believe that I will never get to cuddle or hug her again, to do random or very normal daily tasks, or give her the love and care she needed. She was such a blessing to me and filled a hole in my heart that has always been there, but never fully filled by anyone.

But even though she is gone, I do not feel empty. I still feel her inside, and as I remember, I can smile again.

No, my grieving is not past. I cried myself to sleep last night, and cried through my morning prayers, but thankfully my new task of praying for her children has helped me find a purpose. I ordered flowers today, and on the ribbon I asked them to write, Good bye, dearest friend. As you said " I'll see you soon". We look forward to that day. Christina and Kyrre. I have never bought flowers for a funeral before other than a single rose, but this time I needed too. I needed something from me to be with her. Perhaps that sound silly, but it was a comfort. I realize she will never see them, and that the display is more for the family and friends, but I needed to give her something. And yes, if this world lasts, I will place a flower on her birthday, and a candle at Christmas. At least I have a place to go if I need. 

I received a lovely email today about how heaven sees death, and I will be sitting down to read it this evening. If it is as comforting as it seems to be, I will ask permission to send it to her eldest son who is not handling this well.

I have to go back to work tomorrow. I hope I am able to function. 

Day 4

A wise "virgin" who now sleeps waiting for her Lords return

I am doing much better today, although my chest feels like I have a weight on it and my heart has given me stings now and then. I cried this morning several times before 12, so I stayed home from work. It wasn't a problem as my boss was not expecting me before Thursday anyway.

For any of you reading who have not gotten my emails, or notices, my best friend died on sabbath.

I have been in a horrible shock, and pain that I have never before experienced and is overwhelming. I actually had to stop and go through the past few days with kyrre as I couldn't remember what I had done. I had not forgotten, I have just been in such a fog that I couldn't remember.

Today I got on face book and went through students pictures and her kids pictures and found ones i didn't have to add to my collection. One fact stood out. Because I was not able to go with them on the trips, and when I did i was in the kitchen, there were no pictures where we were together, let alone in the same room. It made it feel like I didn't know her at all, and that hurt. I managed to find 4 more pictures in my own files that had kyrre and I and she together, and I put them out. It was for me, really. No one else cares that I was not in pictures with her.

The arrangements are falling into place for her funeral. Thankfully the kids and her mother will not have to pay for any of the service other than what flowers they would like. I also looked at flowers today. I hate the fact that they are so expensive to have arrangements done, so Kyrre and i are trying to find an arrangement that is a decent price and doesn't look like I went down to the local drug store to get them.

I have been hurting and crying so much that kyrre is afraid I am going to have a long term illness or heart condition from it. I told him I do not believe that to be the case as I have hope in the resurrection, but I am so empty at the same time. Vivian also had this same hope and developed a heart pain after her father died, but he was family so I will just watch myself and see. I am fairly certain the heart pains are from grief and the fact that i have not been able to eat very much, and have kept my self very busy at the same time.

The next few weeks and months will be the hardest as the students come back, and we try to keep the school running for the rest of the school year.  I would not be surprised if they ask me to step in as her sub, and I will be willing to do that.

I miss her. I still feels unreal some times as she was gone for a month before she died, so it kinda feels the same. I still wake up each morning with her in my mind, so instead of praying for her as my habit was, I have decided to pray for her kids, which I will do from here on out. I am not their mother, but at least the will still have someone motherly praying for them.

I don't want to cry again right now, so I am not going to do any journaling on the past few days, or on her. I have been chatting and emailing people stories and things, so I have been collecting those. I also have the last 3 letters I wrote her here at the house, and I am hoping to get the rest from the boys when they clean her room.

Its hard to remember that when I am hurting as much as I am that others may be hurting worse. Seems hard to believe, but I am sure it is true. and if they are not hurting more or even the same, they are still hurting. She touched so many lived in the 7 or 8 years she was here that it is completely mind blowing. They are actually going to have to send hand invites to dinner that follows. I will be helping serve as her mother asked me. I won't be able to sing, so at least that I can do. I wish I could sing for her, for those hurting, but I hurt when others hurt and I cry when others cry, so it makes it hard to sing at funerals.

I am tired. heading to bed.

g'night