Sabbath Blessings

.....I wish I could say I used lots of imagination, but the above picture is to spur you into using your imagination and perhaps you can see what I have been up to last little bit.

I wish I had taken notes over the time since September. I sort of did, if I went back and read all my conversations with Rhy, but I have not taken that time. So I will try to remember. Most likely what I remember is the most important anyway!

In September i wrote and posted pictures of my garden. It was such a little thing, but I must admit I was quite proud of the results. It was a thrill to bring produce from my own garden to the table.

I had an interview in September. This picture was taken moments before I left. I felt good that day, and the interview went well. However after talking aback and forth through the month Kyrre and I decided that the amount of money being put out to get to the job, or to move and the amount of stress I would have to go through at the job was not worth the small amount of income I would have left. So we turned down the job.

Kyrre and I attended a family outing with his extended family. I was rather annoyed that because Kyrre has gained so much weight since his cancer treatments some of his family members felt he over ate, and made small hurtful remarks in that directions. I was humored however when watching the plates of food they consumed to Kyrres 2 rather modest ones.

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Pond at the family gathering

 

 

 

 

My favorite picture of the year. I took this.

During my time of waiting for work, yes I managed to get a sub job as a kindergarten teacher with a sub agency, I was privileged to attend hydrotherapy classes at the Bible school. It was over two weeks, and I attend each class. I do have one more hydrotherapy practical application to go through as it conflicted with a physical therapist appointment, but I passed the class and will get credit towards Wildwoods online classes if I choose to take them. Here is the set up for the days practical.

Teachers demonstrating the first hydro treatment

I enjoyed the classes, however I managed to break a blood vessel in my finger this day. No idea how.

It healed quickly due to the fact that during the hydro treatment I simultaneously did hot and cold treatments on this finger for 3 hours. I didn't realise til I got home that broken the vessel.

Its been quiet other wise. I have had some very positive times with Vivians mother the past few months as she has needed help, or wanted company. It is not perfect. I still have to gauge her carefully at times, as she can change her mood towards me with the weather.... but I am thankful that I can keep my promise to Vivian. If things should ever change, I will continue to pray for her.

The last fun event was a party we attended for friends at Church. She was turning 40, he 50 and they had been married 10 years... so it was a 100year party. It was a long one, 6 hours, but I was in attendance with my husband and Vivians mom and w all had a blast. These were our place markers.

Its been a good couple months. Thankfully my grieving stage has passed, although I still miss Vivian and will do so probably until time comes to a close. I have seen and experienced lots of fun things and look forward to more. I have been studying the bible a lot these past months and found things I had never known before. I am excited to be learning and look forward to learning more.

Today I got a call from a friend inviting us to Sabbath dinner, and another Friend dropped by with food. We are also being loaned some money... so my weird paycheck mishap has been covered. Wasn't going to get it until January! So we have food, and gas money to last until I get paid again at the end of the month. Praise God for that!

Oh ! We got our first snow today. So pretty.

What is up with you?

It's been a while since I have even had the desire to sit down and chat. And now I am not even sure what to say.

I have had lots going on the past few months, but sometimes it just seems like nothing is going on at the same time! So I plan to think about it over the weekend, jot down ideas that come to me, and blog you around thefirst of the week. How does that sound?

till then,

How are you? You have my email! Write me!

My last two months in photos....

My first garden harvest.

Morning of my interview

Trying to find a solution for cuddle time while NOT ruining my new sweater. She loved it

Vivian and her fathers grave stone. The inscription reads, See I am coming soon. Yes, even so come Lord Jesus

Tired of my shoes clunking away in the closet, I bought this and asked Kyrre to place it in. nearly 2 hours later, and tearing part the closet, he managed to make it fit. It isn't coming back out.

Me. myself, and what on earth am I talking about!

Last Friday nights sunset

 It is 7:30 pm and I am just now eating supper. I almost never eat past 6, but today I was not hungry. I didn't feel motivated either, which is rather odd if you consider what I did today! I woke up, talked Kyrre into a walk before brunch, ate, and loaded the dish washer, and set tapioca out to soak. Then I dragged him out window shopping. I had the urge to check out the supplies at one of the local stores to see if they had the same things their sister store had in a neighboring town. Mainly, I just wanted to get out of the house. Then we browsed through the hardware store, because, its manly and I though Kyrre would enjoy that after looking at kitchen stuff.

When I got home, I started a batch of bread, cooked the tapioca pudding, so we would have something cool for the evening, and cooked red lentil soup and made a salad.

Window shopping was fun, but not nearly as fun as getting caught in a freak rain storm on the way to the mail box. I had seen a few drops falling on my way out, but it was so scattered I didn't do much but through my wind breaker on. by the time I got to the end of the drive way I was getting hit with grape sized random rain drops. Then I heard a weird sound and looked up to see a wall of water, in the form of rain of course, rushing down the street to me. I just started laughing and kept walking. I didn't quicken my pace, nor did I care. Bu the time I got back to the house my coat and pants were soaked and I was grinning like a child who had just been giving a present to open.

When I got home I decided to share the love and wrapped my soaked coat around my cat, wet side in. She was thoroughly thrilled, as you could imagine, and didn't speak to me for nearly an hour. It was fun though.

My niece zipped herself up in this. Played with it for two days straight

 Yesterday I finally finished my job of cleaning Vivian's room by taking the last of the things to her mom. I wasn't sure if she wanted to chat or not, so I had made an appointment one hour before my physical therapist appointment. That way if she wanted to boot me out the door I didn't have to find something to do for hours, and if she did, we could chat without it feeling like it had to be a long conversation. She did want to chat, and would have loved for me to stay longer. It was fun to talk, and get things worked out between us. I found out that clothes I was supposed to get from her had indeed been dropped off at the school, and that two individuals, without permission, and gone through them and taken stuff home. Sigrunn was madder than a hornet. I tired everything I could think of to calm her down, but she kept saying that this dress and that out fit she had though would be perfect on me, and twice she nearly picked up the phone to call the individuals. Honestly I wasn't trying to get them in trouble. She asked me what had happened to the clothes and stuff, as was her right to know, and I told her mater of factly! I was sad though because the dresses I had hoped to get were in that bag, and I didn't get any of them. I so desperately needed dresses too. I also found out in the visit why Vivian died.

So my visit was both a good and a sad one. At least the rest of the day I was a bit down. But thankfully, I can now move on past all the jobs that needed done. Everything is done. The stone will arrive in a few weeks. I will post a picture for everyone to see, not that you WANT to, but because I have been talking so much about Vivian that it will be good to end the conversations with that finished thought. I still miss her terribly. I still cry from time to time, but I am happy again, I have moved on and I know that even though that place in my heart will always be empty, God is here to fill and repair all the little cuts and worn out areas.

I am so tired and worn out right now. Had my niece and nephew over for a week and they are so much fun, but they have so much energy too. I am going to go eat. I think my soup is cool enough!

I have decided, or rather come to the realization that I am an over analyzer. I am not sure if this is a good or a bad thing, but it seems to have more negatives than positives to it. Need to find a way of balancing it!

Camping

Moments after the tent was set up

First nights setting sun

Near the fishing cabin by the campground

The near by fishing town

Unknown couple sharing a setting sun

We had the sun on the right and the moon on the left was beautiful

Our host enjoying nature

The lone Violet

The last morning during worship

Two mins later they took off and the sound was incredible

One month later

It has been a long month for me. It seems odd that it has been exactly one month since I last posted, but at the same time so many things have happened, that its not really surprising I haven't written it all down. The trouble is, I really do not have the time now either.

It's nearly midnight. Why I am up this late, writing a blog is beyond me, but here I sit. As I think about all the things I have been through and learned the past five months, it hardly covers what I learned in the past month. I have been faced with my good and less positive sides more times in the past month than I had in the past  five. Things that I had done, without even realizing them to be less than appropriate were shoved in my face at the most horrible times, and I found I had to fight my loss, gaining closure and my own mistakes and insecurities all at the same time. this left me reeling, and even now, I find that I struggle to find a balance.

I have always been a very careful person. One who tries desperately to care for those around me rather than to put my own comfort first. This was not completely the case during my grieve period. Yes I still tried my hardest to care for those around me who were hurting, but I found for once that I desperately needed to be cared for, and that when not receiving what I believed I needed, may have taken advantages i never would have done if in a right mind. I even caught my self thinking, and once voicing the fact that I felt Vivian herself would have forgiven, but may not have approved. This was again shown when a dream that has haunted me since childhood once again resurfaced with Vivian as the main character. This too left me shaken.

But I must say, that even though there were conflicts over these mistakes in the family, and misunderstandings at the school, I was finally granted permission to attend Vivian's burial. I needed it for me, but I had gone also for the students. I fear I was not as much of a support to them as I wanted to be, but hopefully time will erase this, and leave in it stead the helping hand and shoulder of comfort I was during other times of need.

The school trip, IMPACT, was a success. I admit I was afraid it would not do as well with out Vivian's hand, and yes it was not nearly as strong as it has been in the past, but there was a new fire. Many had taken the responsibility of taking the flame, and the individual who took her position in the board, did a fantastic job. I was truly proud of her willingness and accomplishment.

One day before the trip I was told the cook was not able to come, and the cooking, for 80 youth, was dumped in my lap. Granted I did say yes, but I also knew there was no one else who could be called on short notice who had the experiences. The first 4 days was the hardest as I had to organize my cooking schedule and shopping lists. Nothing had been prepared before, other than a small list of recipe names, so I had quite a head ache. Thankfully a professional cook came to my rescue for the second time in a row, and helped me in the kitchen. He kept me focused and kept my kitchen running. I was a mess this year. The previous years I was well organised, and confident. This year I felt lost, and stressed.

However this was due to my stubbornness. I had promised Vivian I would help her on the health stand this year. Twice. I HAD to keep the promise, and I told a few of the leaders such. They understood and did everything in their power to keep my kitchen stocked with helpers, so I could do my shopping, cooking, sleeping and help at the stand. My days went from 6 or 7 in the morning doing early morning shopping trips until 10 or 11 at night making spreads, or organizing what ever needed to be done.

On the health stand I worked at the sample table making the different vegetarian samples, as well as buying alternate milks for trial. We pushed hard on foods that would help lower cholesterol. Nearly every one who came through needed the advice in this area, and even other tables began pointing out foods that could help and advising they try our samples.

I also relived on the message booth. Our first day was Kyrre's and my 6 year anniversary, and we spent it together at the health stand. It felt fitting seeing as our honeymoon was spent on the trip helping at the health stand. It brought back happy memories.

I have worked several days at the store, have two more to go. God has provided 4 options for jobs, some more viable than others, and I know he is leading. He always is.

A Concert and a Trip to the Lake

Friday night we had a final concert with the bible school students combined with the church choir. We started practice and warm ups at 5. Things went really well. After the warm ups, I went down and helped the kids get the fruit platters ready.

Just before the concert started  upstairs to get my water bottle from the stage. I found that Vivian's mom was there, which was unexpected, and my my nerves skyrocketed. We were singing two songs that are hard to sing, one of them being the song we sang at Vivian's funeral, the other is a bible verse teaching about death and the resurrection. I had difficulty each time we sang it during practice, but I knew many people at the concert would also react on the words of the song as well as some of the remembering that one had been sung at the funneral. I greeted guests, including Vivian's mom, and was happy to see her joy at seeing me again. This is the third time in the last month, but we had never had a chance to really talk.

I was still a bit nervous, so  I had prayer with one of the students. The concert went really well. Every one was enjoying it. But when we started to sing the last song my emotions took over. Many people in the audience had also started crying, and I had to take a quick break, for a bout 1 sentence, to calm my nerves before the finnal courus when I was needed for the high notes. I also felt dizzy and had to steady myself on the student next to me. I must admit I felt very ashamed. I have been in performances my whole life, but I have never ever had my emotions take over like that. I am just thankful that I didn't start crying as well.

After the concert I stuck around for a group photo, and waited to talk with Vivian's mom. Another church member was talking to her, and I finally had to interrupt as I had dinner date with a friend of mine. I hugged her as I always have, and then was shocked when she grabbed my hand and pulled my sleeve back revealing the watch she had given me. Have I mentioned the watch? It was Vivian's, the one she has worn most of the years I had known her. Her mom had given it to me a few months back ago as a reminder of Vivian and as a thankyou for all I had done and been for her.

Vivian's mom asked if it was the one.... and I said yes. She started to ask if I had used it everyday, but her eyes filled with tears, so I smiled and said yes. I have used it everyday. It was good to see the tears. She is so strong, and never showed her emotion under the funeral, and it was good to see that healing has been happening. She then asked me a rapid secession of questions, although rather cryptic as the church member had not left yet, to which I answered the best I could. I then excused myself as neither of us wanted to get into deeper things with others listening around.

Someone called me Vivian. I knew they meant me even though they said Vivian, but I was surprised that I turned around. I know I remind a lot of people of her now. It's not surprising really. When you spend a lot of time with someone, and you care deeply for them, you begin to pick up some of their habits.

We headed to my friends where we had a late night sabbath welcoming dinner. It is a traditional Jewish sabbath dinner, with braided bread and grape juice. The regular meal follows, but we kept it simple this time as we were eating late. Some of the guests did not arrive until 10 pm. We all sat around the table visiting until around 1 am. I enjoyed myself, as usual. This particular friend became my friend recently, and has been a wonderful support as I have been in my final stages of grieving as well as learning about the true bible holidays vers. the unbiblical ones. I have been in a bit of a turmoil over it all, but God has been leading, and I am certain his timing is perfect as usual. I have been studying this off and on for years, but now is the day, now is the time.

I must admit I am very nervous about the burial service of Vivian. I was promised earlier that I would be one of the few who would be allowed to come to the private service. The children have been "forced" to go through 2 funerals already, and my understanding is that the family wants to keep it very small and simple. I can understand and agree with this, but I desperately want to be there. I am also nervous, because I know that I have been affected by her death more than most, and I also know how I have been even in these past weeks. I wish I could say I am strong and can control my emotions as I have been in the past, but I can not with Vivian. My heart was broken and its not healed yet. And I know I will weep, not cry, weep. I happened over and over again at her funeral, and I managed to hide away, with the help of friends who understood and lent skirts to hide behind.

But I also know that if I am not able to go to the actually service, I can go after they leave and say my goodbyes in private where my heart can do as it chooses. So again, I leave this all in the hands of our great and marvelous God.

Sabbath morning the bible school had church service. It was translated from the pulpit, so I got a chance to rest. After church we headed out to the lake, at lunch, played games, sang songs, canoed, hiked, and just enjoyed each other company. I played and visited with the students all day, and it was wonderful to finally FINALLY feel like I belonged. It has taken a year and a half to feel that the staff have also accepted me, as the students change out each year. I still wish I had never had to quit that first year when I started, but I know that God also has plans for me. Maybe they are not with the school, maybe they are, but I will allow him to work.

After we all joined in a HUGE game of volley ball, 10 people on a a team, we headed down to the campfire for songs and a short sharing time. then we headed home. I forgot my shoes and had to head back to get them, after driving 15 mins, so we got home between 9 and 10. I took a hot shower, sat with a heat pack on my shoulder and then kyrre gave me a long massage to try to get the stiffness out of my neck. It had sat there for two days. Thankfully I woke this morning with it gone.

Today was rather simple. I woke up, made tea, wrote an email, made lunch, cleaned up the kitchen, went for a walk and now am writing this blog. Tomorrow I have my last knitting class of the season, and will go shopping for the Impact pack lunches. I plan to clean the house up in the next few days so its clean and ready when we get back from our trip.

It's been a good start to the week, and I am ever so thankful.

Onions in my pocket sounds like a good idea

I went to bed with a migraine, and woke up with one... which set off my day to a rough start...

This was taken Jan 2013

 I went out to buy food at my friends stand for lunch, he wasn't there. Then I was so weird in the head I had to call Kyrre and ask what on earth I should buy for lunch, and nearly had a panic attack (yes my head ache was horrible!) but it was storming all day yesterday and today, which explains the pressure.

Then I had a church member drop a doll and money off for another friend, who said she would come get it at four. She came and got it... and then I headed off to my knitting class,  which started at 5. I needed to leave at 4:45 to get there.... only to get into the car and find out it was 3:45 not 4:45.So I sheepeshly walked back in to work .. .amidt grins and laughs of my coworkers. I also suddenly understood my bosses weird look when I said good bye and walked off.
Then I get to the knitting class and that was cancelled, that will be monday in stead
Lady Em: so I got stuff for veggie hamburgers, as we have little stocked in the kitchen due to the trip, and came home...

This was the mission trip before it was called Impact

Yesterday I found out that I am actually in a group doing going out and doing stuff during impact... which has NEVER happened before and I am jazzed. I won't be stuck in the kitchen this year, and Vivians daughter is in my group, as well as one other guy.... that I was working with trying to get the other bible school up and running... and apparently our group was handpicked for the job... what ever its... that we will be doing. There are six of us in the team, the largest team, as the other 12 teams have 5 members.

My hubby was a bit diss pointed to find out we are not on the same team, or that he will not be working at the health expo 100% of the time like he had wanted to be. But after talking with his team leader, he decided it might not be that bad after all. He can always take a break if his legs start hurting.

This is Health Expo My hubby is in the background

I am a bit nervous about working with Vivian's daughter and the other gentleman. Both I don't know really well and the reasons we know each other have a slightly rough back ground. Thankfully Vivian's daughter and I were friends before the funeral, so hopefully we will be able to pick up on the happy note we had when we spent time together in February and keep going. The other guy has a good head on him, and I think he would be a good asset fo further plans, so I am looking forward to working with him. I just hope he doesn't have a bad taste in his mouth from the disappointment of the school not being able to be opened.

all in all a good day. I cried in front of two of the students this week. That makes three total in the past four months. I am glad I have been able remain so strong, but I can feel that I am a bit on edge with the trip comeing up, the graduation and parting of ways, and the finally resting of Vivian. Guess I just need to carryin onions with me and keep cutting them up :D

Sooooo looking forward to the trip, but soooo not looking forward to it at the same time. This must be what its like to be nuts!

hee hee

A touch of love in the green house

Today I had a meeting to finish off our list. I have been part of the voteing committee to help choose people for either continueing jobs in thec hurch, or finding new ones for people who were wanting a break.

After the meeting i got to talking with one of the students who will be working here next year. He asked if I wanted to run a health food store here. We talked back and forth about it for about 20 mins or more. While we were talking I saw something that used to be Vivian's, and had to go outside for a break. I calmed down quickly, and came back in to talk so more.

Another student, the one I have known since my first year here, came and gave me a hug. for some reason, i started crying. It was the second time I have cried in front of one of the studetns, and this time it was three of them. She held me for a while, then asked if I wanted to talk about it and drug me out for a walk. We walked up to the green house, weeded some of the baby plants, then continued our walk through the woods.

We shared back and forth about Vivian, things we had learned, experienced, missed, and had a good time playing together too. Then we went back to the green house and prayed with each other. It was very special.

I know we are all going to make it through this mission trip, but many of us are both looking forward to it, and dreading  the hole that will be there.

Thank you

I just had to say that I am so thankful for the friends and family that have been supporting me these past few months. Those who have been listening, allowing me to grieve, talk, laugh, cry, and have shared and taught back. I would not have made it through this time without you, and I thank God daily for allowing you all to be in my life.

I have shared, not only because I need to share, but I hope that you can, in some way,  learn through the path that I have been forced to walk on. God uses everything as a blessing, and perhaps He wants you to have a blessing, or learn something as well.

Keep praying for me, I need it. And thank you so much for your love ans support, and for not giving up on me. I will make it through this, and I will be a better, stronger, more useable worker for Yah because of it.

Christina

The Letter

Last night I stumbled over a letter I wrote Vivian only a week after she had left for New Zealand. I had forgotten about it completely, so I read it. It didn't take me long before tears were streaming down my face. I cried, and even laughed.

I couldn't stop thinking about her all day today. I tried to switch my thoughts to other things, but it proved exhausting, so I just let myself think. I though about all sort of weird things. Things from, would things be the same if she were to come back to life which thankfully won't happen. She deserves her rest... to how are things going to go on the trip next week with her being gone. Its just all part of my process. Sometimes the devil I think tries to challenge things, to mess me up even more, but I just pray and cling to what I know.

I still miss her so terribly. I am so thankful for the hope I have, and the understanding I have, but the pain is still so deep, and the loneliness of her not being here is so deep that some times its overwhelming. I can't help but think it will be easier after this trip, and after the schools graduation, and after she is finally resting in her final resting place. I hate the fact that I can't go and place flowers on her grave yet, and maybe that is part of my problem. It just seems so unfinished some how. And just thnking aobut that got me thinking about when will it be? Who will be there... more importanly... will _I_ be able to be there when she is burried, or will I have to go later. Both ways will be good in their own respect. Alone I can be free to cry, free pour my heart out when I have held it back in silence so long.

Its so hard for me. So few know how our relationship was, and they do not understand. They hurt, and I tend to their pain the best I can, but no one yet has been able to touch the pain I have. I have turned my heart in the Gods hands, and he has helped me each and every time.

I also have a small amount of guilt, because I have shared more than If eel I should have with people. This isn't about me, and I never meant to make it about me. I just desperately needed someone to understand... I forgot that He is the one to talk to, he is the one who cares. And He knows how and with whom I should have been sharing.

I have found a couple of people who were and are willing to let me talk... to let me heal. And I am ever so grateful for their kindness. It is so hard when you have a love so deep that can't be shared about. It's going to take me time to adjust to all these new gifts and sensations that have come from Gods gift... the answer to my prayer after Vivian died... and I truly as of yet, do not understand why he gave me my prayer request, and how he expects me to use it. All I know is He did.

I have to imagine that Elisha felt something of the same kind of loss and confusion as he dealt with the same gift, only he knew why he asked for it. I don't know why I asked for it, but I craved it, and I begged for it. I decided that I must read through their story again, and then the live of Elisha after to find out how his gift was used.

I feel as if God has set me aside, hidden me  behind a wall of safety my whole life for some special plan, and then all of a sudden that wall has fallen a way, at what seems to be my weakest point, and I am exposed, raw, and naked. Only... I am not afraid. I can see His hand working, its just so new, and uncertain. I can see pieces of the puzzle fitting into place... and its almost intimidating. Dreams He gave me years ago have come true, other more recent ones have showed he is still in control and leading, even though they were incredibly painful to experience both in the dream, and as they happened."Many things about tomorrow, I cant seem to understand. But I KNOW who holds tomorrow and I KNOW who holds my hand"

I do no know why losing one of my two best friend ( my husband being my other best friend),  the other half of my heart, was part of the plan, and I wish it didn't have to be this way, but I have to trust HE knows best. YAH is in control. And he WILL get me through not only the greife, but the healing, and he will also hold my hand as we travel the last pages of this earths history together.

HALLELU YAH

Sabbath -non rest- rest day.... :D

 

Today I had my last concert of the year. We sang two songs after church, and then had concert in a small church with good acoustics in town. I have been sick, well not really sick just not 100% as afar as allergies or what have you, for the past two weeks, so my voice gave out on the last song. Could still speak, mind you, just couldn't find the voice to sing the last 2 bars. 

We arrived an hour early, as we were unsure what time I was to get there, so I sat out behind the school you see above, wrote a journal entry and enjoyed the view. Got to see my best freinds boys today, which was wonderful, but we all had to many thigns to do and to many people demanding our time, that we only got tos ay hi, grin across the room and wave. However we made appointsments with the olderone to visit on the mission trip. 8 hours one way on a bus... I am sure there will be time then.

Going to go eat and dig in to a bible study. Have lots to sort out. This holiday stuff has got me edgy!

cheers

Belifes, and clashes

Doesn't this little guy just make you grin? Sure did me. This past week had been a bit heavy for me. After my conversation with God last Thursday, and my eyes being opened to the fact that I may have been worshiping gods from the other side of Jordan ( Joshua 24:15) I have been studying.

Last night I realized that I had been worshiping false gods, on occasion, with out even knowing it. That was tough. Its hard to realize that. I understand how people feel when they are presented with a bible truth that they are not aware of, and then they are forced to make a mental transormation... should I follow or should I ignore. Its not an easy one. I ended up taking a midnight walk last night to quiet it all.

Today I was woken with a message from a friend. She wanted to go walking. So we did! We had a fun time, chatted, petted a horse, and then got caught in a thunderstorm. It is so much fun.

I am currently resting my legs, cooking sweet potato soup ( with carrots, onions, garlic and orange peppers) and enjoying the afternoon. In a few hours I have choir practice, then I will come home, make a light supper and fold my laundry and clean up my kitchen.

Only two week to go until Impact! 18 days in fact. Looking forward to it.

My birthday dinner/trip

Three lettuces salad with fresh mozzarella and grilled cherry tomatoes

 My wonderful husband treated me to a trip to Copenhagen, on a mini cruise. The first night was simple. We ate deli sandwiches, ordered non-acholic drinks from the bar and listened to the oldies band. By 11 we were asleep.

Curried vegetables and tofu balls

 Kyrre woke me on my birthday. He never wakes up early, but thankfully he did this day as my alarm didn't go off. We got up, dressed and enjoyed a lovely buffet breakfast. By 10 am we were in Coppenhagen and searching out the Round tower. We spent about an hour in the tower taking in the view, imagining what the town must have looked like in the 1800's when the visitor we were thinking about was there, and taking pictures/video.

Vanilla Bean ice cream, three berry passion-fruit sauce, and a lava chocolate cake

 We spent the day hiking up and down the cobbled stone streets looking through shops and taking in the sites. At one point the guard changed at the palace and we followed them down the street. It was rather fun chasing them down and listening to the music.

Not a drop left

That night we ate supper after a mid afternoon nap. As you can see from the pictures, it was fantastically good. The restaurant was the most expensive when we had ever eaten on, but as it was on the boat I choose it over the all you could eat buffet. It felt more romantic and celebratory.  After dinner kyrre and I walked around the boat, bought some snakcs and played a game togheter until the band came back on. I was exhuasted from theday and turned in at 10.

The next morning we woke and showered, headed to breakfast, packed up and then enjoyed watching Norway come back into view. I got a frantic call from my boss asking when I was coming into work, so I headed there as soon as I got home and worked until 7. thankfully we got a 4 day weekend after that. 
I took over 100 pictures on this trip, so I don't think I will post many more on here!

All in all it was a wonderful trip and I was so pleased to get it as a gift. I don't really feel one year older, but I am now. Although I do feel like I experienced a lot more than usual in my last year!

Sunday

Its Sunday. I had a very fun weekend. Sabbath we went to a friends house for sabbath lunch and ended up staying and talking until 2am! I have not done that in AGES..... But I had some good healing time.

Been tired today though, surprise surprise, but I still managed to get alot of house work done.

The neighbors had a birthday party for their 2 year old and invited us out for cake. We accepted and took with us Banana/blackberry ice cream made with rice milk, and no added sugars. They all really liked it.
The baby girl, 5 months, latched on to me, and I got to play with the other two as well.

I know I promiced to write about my trip to Coppenhagen, haven't managed to get to that yet. Hope to soon.

A medical missionary should never feel guilty for the work they have done

 

For over six months now a conversation has played in the back of my mind. The circumstances and individuals involved are not important.... only that found peace today.  I have been praying about it, trying to find out if I had really done something wrong in a situation I felt I had done the right thing. I am assured now, that I did not do anything wrong, but this incident has cost me the trust in an individual I would rather have kept it with.. on both sides. For now I find that I question motives, and thoughts, and at a job where the situation should have been accepted and praised, and where the person who has criticized me for the incident should have taken care of them-self.

I had been given a job to do. An individual who worked there, had a minor face surgery that day. With in 15 mins of arriving back from her surgery, she began acting very unlike herself. It was more and more clean over the next hour that she needed to be put to bed. Thankfully I had completed 95% of my job, finishing the largest part with her help... at my protest, and so I asked the others on my team if they felt they could handle the last small half hour job so that I could put her to bed. They had also noticed that she was not in her right mind, and agreed. So I took her to her room, and gave her a massage until she finally rolled over and fell asleep.

It took an hour, and after wards I found out that she didn't remember anything from the rest of that day except that I had taken her to her room and given her a massage. She didn't even remember us talking, or any work she did that day after she woke up.  She had been very desperate to have me with her before I took her to her room. 

This is a form of medical missionary work. I was not able to do anything else for her that day, but helping her get to sleep, easing discomfrot, fear/nervousness, and bringing a since of calm to a hurting individual _IS_ medical missionary work. 

That morning when I woke up, I had surrendered my day to Gods hands and asekd Him to show me what he wanted me to do. This was what I was impressed to do. I had covered my bases so that others were not weighd down with extra work, but this was not noticed, and I am still being seen as one who cannot carry their weight of the work.

 Let me ask you this. Was I am Martha or a mary in this situation? Did I handle it right? 

I for one no longer feel guilty about it, in fact I am happy that I was able to be Gods hands at that moment for that hurting confused soul. I am saddened as the individual who has on 3 separate occasions commented on that particular moment as being a reason I am not a stable person, should have seen the situation and been there to help. After all they had worked with the individual for 8 years. 2 years longer than I had even know her, and they didn't even notice she was not herself.

 

Titles can be difficult to find

I am now 31. Oddly enough, I always thought that you turned into an adult at 30. Anyone could guess why, I havn't the faintest clue. I mean... I married at 25 so, shouldn't I have been an adult then? I find myself doing or saying things that I think are childish... but then i realize that I am not childish. Just playful. I know many adults like that... ones that don't allow the world to bog them down, and allow them selves to have fun or think out side of the modern day box.

But there are moments I wonder.... wonder if I am useing myself to the full potential I am now, and allowing myself to be molded into a new form with even more potential.

I have been at my "job" for nearly 9 months now. And I find that I still don't know what the others do. I start to chide myself on this, but then I remember... all of them have worked here for 10 years or more! It's not wise to pick on myself for not remembering how much a shirt costs off the top of my head, or yarn for that matter. There is always lots to learn.

The above picture found itself on to my computer a while back. It was so naturally, serene, peaceful. Just looking at it made me desperately want to go out walking through the woods. I haven't done much of that lately. The reason being it takes 20 mins to walk to the nearest woods, and then an hour or more around that stretch. It doesn't sound long, granted, but usually I have time in the evenings and my feet are already killing me from standing on them all day. So I go out for a walk by our house. I also do not want to walk through the woods there just yet. I am not used to walking them alone, and since my wakling buddy is no longer around, I am trying to train in my hubby. He is doing really well, but some things are not quite on the book yet.

Saturday he slept in, and we missed church. So we packed a pick nick and headed in to a different stretch of woods. We walked for 3 hours... hiked is more like it. We decided to follow this road we had never seen before, then cut across the top of the lake to find our way back from a cabin we had seen on the other side. Apparently the cabin is rarely used as there wasn't a clear path to go back on. We ended up forging our way and although it only took an hour and a half, I am quite certain we walked close to 3 if you considered the zigzag formation we had to take up and down hills and around swamps. The miracle was we only saw 1 mosquito the entire time.

My husband took me to Coppenhagen for my birthday. I want to tell you about it, but I have been neglecting my house and only have a few hours left before my 4 day weekend is gone. I should run to it. Will update on the trip later.

I will say though that I have been doing much better. I am finding that I am happy again. Sadness will always linger around corners, but my overall view is happy.  I look at the world around us and see where we are, and it makes me wonder why I am so concerned about some things that worry me. But I am finding it easier and easier to let go and smile. Still looking for work, so that is something to remember for me.

A cat on my arm makes typeing hard

It's been a while since I have blogged. I have thought about it many times, but sometimes knowing others read what I write can be a bit daunting. but today, I am just writing for me, and allowing you to read.


I would say not much has happened, and that is partially true. The students came back, the end of march, and headed out for another two week trip. We picked them up and dropped them off, making the airport parking attendant mad as we took nearly 20 mins to load the 22 people and luggage in to the two vans. It wasn't entirely our fault. They only have a paid parking place near the airport, and we hadn't been given money for the parking. The only other option was making the 22 students and staff walk 20 mins to the free parking area, at midnight, and then try to load them all up. As it was we got back home at 2am.

During the Easter work break, Kyrre and I traveled down to spend the weekend with our niece and nephew. It was a nice visit, but the two are wild animals half of the time, and I got bit, in the thigh, once... which nearly resulted in the child getting slapped. Thankfully I was able to stay my downward swinging hand.

Work has been doing well. Three weeks ago I started teaching a knitting class Thursday nights to an ever changing group of female immigrants. This group will be here another two weeks, as they are here for about 2 months before heading to their final destination, and are between the ages of 15 and 22, if I should guess. They are not used to talking about ages.

Probably the worst thing that has happened, is that Vivian's mother is still being pestered with phone calls. She was used to getting only calls from Vivian and a few others, but now she gets them constantly. I know this is an exaggeration, as the times I have been over to visit, the phone has rung... once?

But the weekend I was heading out for Easter I called her to see if her plans had changed, and to say hi. I didn't reach her so I had called her boyfriend just to see if she had gone away fro the weekend and to pass on the message that I had not found out if someone she was not interested in seeing was coming to church or not.

The following Wednesday I went to deliver food to her from the school, and decided to call first. I didn't reach her, so I called 2 more times that evening and gave up telling Kyrre he could have the soup for lunch the next day. On my way to work I called. When she didn't answer for the 4th time, I swung by her place to see if I could see she was up and around. When I couldn't see any sign of moment, I called the head deaconess at our church to see if she had talked with her. she said she would try to call her and would let me know if things were amiss. A few moments later I got a call from Vivian's mom.

she was furious with me. She opened the conversation with... I think we should stop calling each other. I am fine, and you should not be so worried.

I explained the calls, and the situation, and managed to get her calmed down. She then told me about being tired from all the calls and saying she needed a break, so I agreed not to call for a while. That was two weeks ago, and I still haven't found the heart in me to try to call her. I have an email for her from her grand daughter, as she doesn't use the computer, so I will have to call next week and give it to her, but I have to admit I am nervous. I know she took out her frustration on me, and that I didn't do anything wrong, but it still makes me feel bad. Many of us are concerned for her, as she is alone now and has some pretty major health issues. Her grand kids and her daughter, before she died, have/had asked me to keep an eye on her. She had been asking me to visit and ding the calling, but I still felt I needed to give her the space she asked for. Hopefully next week will go ok. I'll will just deliver the email, and leave... break the ice again as it were.

I was thinking about it today when I printed off the email, and it upset me. Which didn't help the evening. The students were presenting about their trip to Honduras, and I was distracted. I kept feeling like Vivian was there, or maybe it was me missing her being there. But I went up stairs and found a place to be alone and cried.

Then at the close of the evening the girls sang a closing song, and one of the boys played he guitar. I was find until I looked at him... and I had to get up and leave. I had tried to ignore the fact that Vivian's voice was gone from the group, but somehow having her not be behind the guitar, and having it be a student, a male student, made the fact even worse. Even the translator had been different. It was all too much. I headed into the kitchen to hide and try to control my emotions.... but one of the boys, was there. He came over and put his arm around me shoulders. I knew that fighting it back would make it harder to stop, so I just turned and cried into his shoulder ( he is over 6 ft) and calmed down and quickly as I could. I then cleaned up headed back out in the candle lit dining area where it would be harder to see I had been crying.

I miss her so much. I know there will be moments like that still, and that it will get easier to bear, but I have to admit I was embarrassed to start crying in front of the students. Thankfully only one saw.

Last night I worked til 9, which meant I had today off. I needed to clean the church and go to my physical therapist, and I planned to get up early and go... but I was hurting, and when the children up stairs got up and started playing their radio at 5 am ( ok ok it was 7, but when you have a day off and want to cuddle in with your hubby if FEELS like 5) I just rolled over and cuddled in and decided that if  I get pregnant, we HAVE To move before our little ones learn from their example.

I need to stop now, my cat is standing on my arm, making typing very very hard.

I want a hot coco. Is that wrong?

Turing something ugly and painful into something beautiful

   The last Sabbath before Vivian left for New Zealand, we had communion services at church. I had known about it the week before, as had she, and I had been praying that we could participate in the foot washing together. That Sabbath, I had a fight with my husband at church moments before we were to go down for the foot washing. I felt horrible, and I did not feel I was in the proper spirit to serve Vivian, so I took Kyrre’s dad down to the mens section, and waited in the kitchen to take him back up stairs.

Upon seating him next to Vivian’s son, and returning with my things, Vivian pounced me verbal. “Where were you! I was waiting for you and looking for you but I didn't find you! Where were you!” I could see the tears she was fighting back, even though she was trying to be playful. And when I turned to answer her my tears were also sitting in my eyes. She immediately pulled back in shock.

I left had to rush to the bathroom to cry. To be truthfully I sobbed. I was already ashamed at fighting with Kyrre, and at church, and had dismissed the little voice in my head saying Vivian was looking for me reasoning it away with, "Why would she be looking for me?"

I knew it was a lie to myself. Of course she was looking for me and belittling to myself to even think such thoughts, but it was what I thought. And now, twice in the same week, I had disappointed my friend. She had come by work that Thursday to see me, and I had left 10 mins early to run an errand that had suddenly come up. After church, and later that night, I explained to her what had happened and she had forgiven me. She had told me another lady had come down a bit late and didn't have a partner, so she had washed her feet.

I thought that was the end of the story. But it wasn't.

Two Sabbaths ago we had communion. I saw the lady Vivian had served in tears, and I knew she remembered the last time she had been with Vivian. Later, during the time we had sharing, she got up in tears and told the story of how that particular Sabbath she was depressed, hurting in her body, and was in desperate need of human caring. She told how Vivian and come to her and asked to serve her, and she had accepted. And she told how she had felt healed in body and mind after the service. She had written a poem which she sent to Vivian later that week and she shared it with us.

I nearly cried. To think that God took my ugly fight, one that I should not have had, and turned it in to a beautiful blessing for one of his hurting children. I know Vivian was thinking that too as I had told her about the fight and what it had involved. I am just touched that she also found out how God changed this around before she died, and that the lady she served, even though she does not know the reason why, was the recipient of Gods blessings.

Monday...

         I have been quiet the past few days. Partly this is due to the fact that I had no idea what to write about, and partly I have been in thought after some comments I got after my last post. If I had thought about it, I did have plenty to write about, I just thought it was rather boring.

         Today I woke rather discouraged. I had dreamed I was present when Vivian's body was found, and that I had been the one who was trying to revive her. It's amazing how dreams can feel so real. Smells like the salt water in the air, the feel of the cold wetness of water still dripping from ones body, the sand under ones feet, the feel of her hand as I cradled it to my cheek, or the coldness her forehead as I kissed her goodbye. I felt as if I had been there, in a way, and I truly understood what her kids had had to go through that day.

          But I forced myself out of bed, and forced the sicking feeling in my gut a way, jumped in to clothes, made myself something warm to drink, ate and visited with my husband as he drove me to work.

          Work was rather fun today. Nothing interesting happened, it just ran smoothly. We waited on customers that came, I cut out more shirts for the bunads we are making. My boss asked if I wanted to take 2 hours a week and teach new immigrants how to knit. Its not paid through the store, and I told her I would think about it while she found out if I could. There was something about them wanting a Norwegian, and she was not sure if an American, living here permanently would work. But that, with the two cleaning jobs I have, a few hours every other week, and once every other month, would give me a little extra pocket money.

         Last Wednesday my cat, Tasia had a doctors appointment. The doctor said she was in good health, but that her smell issue was probably caused by jumping from high places.We had rearranged the house 1 year ago, roughly, and it was about the same time my cat started having the issue in the first place. This meant rearranging the house again, which we did. Once I got home that night. It took all evening, and we had lots that we didn't manage to get back into place. and still haven't. I had planned to do it over the weekend, but plans changed.

       A friend text ed me in tears late Friday. She had been a student of Vivian, and one week after Vivian died her grandfather had also passed away under questionable circumstances. She was handling it all well enough until she had a fight with her boyfriend and she broke. So I dropped everything, and invited her up for the weekend in my messy house. She didn't care, and we had a blast. We talked things out, watched movies, I knitted, and she crocheted.

     The students came home Friday, and left a gain today for a two week trip to Germany. I and Kyrre had to drive them down to the airport as the whole group, teachers and all, were going. The vans could have stayed at the airport, but it was cheaper to drive there and back, and there again to pick them up when they return. It took longer than I anticipated, and after leaving at 2:30, we didn't arrive back home until 6 pm.The trip was hard for me, but I was glad I took it. There are going to be a lot of first times with out Vivian, and I would prefer to get them over quickly so the pain part is over, and I can have the good memories. I miss her terribly, but I am trying to face each time I know will be difficult with a smile. I allow myself to think of the hard part for a few mins before it happens, and as it happens, then dismiss it and try to focus on the here and now, but there will always be moments where my hear hurts, or my eyes tear up. Like when I saw the student Vivian and I teased a lot. The three of us had been friends for 6 years, and it was a bit odd having her as a student, so we played with each other, the three of us, a bit more than we normally would other students. She was happy to see me too, and it was wonderful to hug someone who truly understood and needed someone to understand her.

And now I have to tackle my kitchen. I seriously wish I could just throw everything out and buy it new as it would be faster, and much less stressful, but that would be wasteful. I am just very tired and honestly don't care at this exact moment in time. But I put the dishes off last night, so I can' really blame anyone but myself.

I have decided that I am tired of having the same foods. I have some how gotten myself in a rut. We have been eating lots of stir fry, pretty much the same each time, pasta, again pretty much the same, and other variations of rice. I am a much better cook than that, and I am surprised that I have gotten bored with food! I guess I have just not been using my imagination, or trying hard enough. I am planning lentils for tomorrow. I know that sounds every day, but its been ages since I made them, and a good pot sound good about right now. I even bought celery last week! The problem I have been having lately, is that what sounds good today, and I prepare for tomorrow, nearly gags me the next. I have no idea why as I am not at all a picky eater. I have just been having a hard time enjoying food of any kind lately.

I have also been working on my sourdough. I found a book a while back on kindle that had three old world sourdough recipes in it. one of them is almost exactly the same as the one I had used in the states, so I have been working on getting it up and running. its exciting to see it in action.

Ok I have procrastinated enough. Toodles!

Something to think about

Tired and overly comtemplative

There are moments about my job that drive me crazy. One of them is that there are time I get way too much time to think. It was that way yesterday and today. Yesterday we got a huge supply of buttons in, worth a 2 months pay  for a normal paid job, and I had fun today and yesterday sorting them and putting them into place. I must say that i didn't manage to get the button section sorted the way I would have liked, as we do not have the space, but it was fun to play with all the new buttons and see all the colors.

Today i finished sorting them and then unpacked our 5 or 6 boxes of yarn. Both jobs gave me way too much quiet time in thoughts.

My thoughts turned yesterday to Vivian, and the school. Today my thoughts turned to the school and work. Its rather discouraging to me that I am working at two jobs that love me, but neither can really ford me. The bible school doesn't know what they would do with me if I was working there. The store wants me and knows exactly what they would do with me, but they can not afford another worker. They already have one too many, and the older ladies won't be retiring for a few years.

I think the bible school is the worst. It's hard to know what I have been doing wrong, or what I have not been presenting in order for them, I am referring to the remaining staff and perhaps even the board,  to not see me as a good fit. Vivian told me several times, quite forcefully, that I was now a member of the family and to not feel in the way, or out of place, ever. I often did. I didn't feel like I fit, no matter how hard I tried.

Now I feel the same again. A position is open, but they do not see me as a good fit. I can agree perhaps with the long term as they need a health teacher, but I thought there were other things I could have done. It seems that all they really want me for is extra work. Work that is important yes, but I have a hard time understanding why the student workers or even the students are not being asked to do that. The work is something I have a hard time seeing as being a staffs responsibility.

I realize we are still very soon after the schools loss, and we are all still reeling from it, but we only have a few more weeks till the students come back. Vivian's classes are going to be covered by one of the students who has a been taking special classes the past months, and the other staff are going to be caring her secretarial side of things. Her impact job is already covered.

I am happy for that yes, but I am sitting once a gain in a position where I have no idea what to do.  I only have four more months I can have the internship I have now, and I haven't the faintest idea what or where I should go, or do. I hate the idea of sending out job applications as I feel I am some how giving up on working at the school. I also know that most of the jobs I am applying for will not even consider me, or I am not qualified for.

 Two years now I have been looking for full time work, and all the time I have been praying I have believed, and still do believe, that God wants me at the bible school. I just can't understand how its supposed to happen. I am even now starting to wonder if it will.

I just feel like I have been at the cross roads for a long time. I thought I had moved on when I took this internship and started volunteering at the school. but now if feels like i have been walking in place when I thought I was heading down the path.