It has been a long month for me. It seems odd that it has been exactly one month since I last posted, but at the same time so many things have happened, that its not really surprising I haven't written it all down. The trouble is, I really do not have the time now either.
It's nearly midnight. Why I am up this late, writing a blog is beyond me, but here I sit. As I think about all the things I have been through and learned the past five months, it hardly covers what I learned in the past month. I have been faced with my good and less positive sides more times in the past month than I had in the past five. Things that I had done, without even realizing them to be less than appropriate were shoved in my face at the most horrible times, and I found I had to fight my loss, gaining closure and my own mistakes and insecurities all at the same time. this left me reeling, and even now, I find that I struggle to find a balance.
I have always been a very careful person. One who tries desperately to care for those around me rather than to put my own comfort first. This was not completely the case during my grieve period. Yes I still tried my hardest to care for those around me who were hurting, but I found for once that I desperately needed to be cared for, and that when not receiving what I believed I needed, may have taken advantages i never would have done if in a right mind. I even caught my self thinking, and once voicing the fact that I felt Vivian herself would have forgiven, but may not have approved. This was again shown when a dream that has haunted me since childhood once again resurfaced with Vivian as the main character. This too left me shaken.
But I must say, that even though there were conflicts over these mistakes in the family, and misunderstandings at the school, I was finally granted permission to attend Vivian's burial. I needed it for me, but I had gone also for the students. I fear I was not as much of a support to them as I wanted to be, but hopefully time will erase this, and leave in it stead the helping hand and shoulder of comfort I was during other times of need.
The school trip, IMPACT, was a success. I admit I was afraid it would not do as well with out Vivian's hand, and yes it was not nearly as strong as it has been in the past, but there was a new fire. Many had taken the responsibility of taking the flame, and the individual who took her position in the board, did a fantastic job. I was truly proud of her willingness and accomplishment.
One day before the trip I was told the cook was not able to come, and the cooking, for 80 youth, was dumped in my lap. Granted I did say yes, but I also knew there was no one else who could be called on short notice who had the experiences. The first 4 days was the hardest as I had to organize my cooking schedule and shopping lists. Nothing had been prepared before, other than a small list of recipe names, so I had quite a head ache. Thankfully a professional cook came to my rescue for the second time in a row, and helped me in the kitchen. He kept me focused and kept my kitchen running. I was a mess this year. The previous years I was well organised, and confident. This year I felt lost, and stressed.
However this was due to my stubbornness. I had promised Vivian I would help her on the health stand this year. Twice. I HAD to keep the promise, and I told a few of the leaders such. They understood and did everything in their power to keep my kitchen stocked with helpers, so I could do my shopping, cooking, sleeping and help at the stand. My days went from 6 or 7 in the morning doing early morning shopping trips until 10 or 11 at night making spreads, or organizing what ever needed to be done.
On the health stand I worked at the sample table making the different vegetarian samples, as well as buying alternate milks for trial. We pushed hard on foods that would help lower cholesterol. Nearly every one who came through needed the advice in this area, and even other tables began pointing out foods that could help and advising they try our samples.
I also relived on the message booth. Our first day was Kyrre's and my 6 year anniversary, and we spent it together at the health stand. It felt fitting seeing as our honeymoon was spent on the trip helping at the health stand. It brought back happy memories.
I have worked several days at the store, have two more to go. God has provided 4 options for jobs, some more viable than others, and I know he is leading. He always is.
