The last day of "peace"

Fall 2012, my home made hat

This past month has been one roller coaster of a month. I love roller coasters, unless I happen to get unlucky that day and end up sick to my stomach, which is not as often as it used to be. However this roller coaster has not  been fun.

For me, the month started two weeks before that with a series of 3 dreams, which i fear are to private for me to post here. But it cast a sense of foreboding over my life, it which I began to pray in earnest. I have often wondered why those prayers went unheard, but someday I will see that they weren't, and I will see how they were in fact the exact prayers that were needed at that time.

Then I had the next few weeks, which I have written about here. Things  I have not talked about, to my knowledge, were the phone calls and visits to Vivian's mom the day of and the few days after the accident. There are other things, things that angered me that I can not write here, things having to do with conversations and peoples actions in her family that I will journal else where perhaps.

There were the day the kids asked us over for dinner, and we watched the final sermon and pictures from her trip to New Zealand. There was the sabbath lunch and play time where it was obvious her kids had bonded with me in a way they had never done before, and the hours I spent with her daughter as she started going through her moms room, and packing up her own things for her trip to her new school.


There was the reaction to the family when, by accident, the dreams were revealed. All of these left me dizzy, and out of control.


And there is my own grief and the swinging of my moods. The past few days have made me feel nearly as if I had never really known her. Not that I believe that, but it is such a stark contrast against the waves of tears and weakness, heat pains and despair I had the first two weeks of after her death and then again the days surrounding her funeral. I know it is not wrong. It is wonderful that I can smile again, that I can listen to her music and see her on recording or in pictures with out bursting in to tears. I still have a fog in my head, and some times I still space off, or need things repeated, but it is so different that it almost feels wrong too.

Summer trip 2007

 But there have been two other very huge things that have happened on the world front that I have not mentioned at all. Only a few days after Vivian died, a gigantic fire ball fell over Moscow and burst into three parts hitting Moscow and 2 other cities. they say if it had not split, that Moscow would have been destroyed.

And then there is the fact that the pope is abdicating his thrown and a new one will be crowned before this coming weekend is out.

These two facts alone, and in my life put together with Vivian's early death only plants deeper in my heart the fact that we are near the end. Today is what I believe the last true day of peace. I think it will take time before others have also understood this, and it will be announced "peace peace" but it will be all lies.

Health Expo, 2007

In a way I envy Vivian. She is asleep. She is unaware of the changes going on around her. She won't have to see her loved ones suffer the elements as the world begins to slowly tear itself apart both from nature and from human devising. She will rest waiting for Gods return.


I have just noticed the clock, and my Tasia, ( my female cat) has decided that I need to go to bed now. I agree. It's nearly the weekend, but I am tired. My arthritis has been playing nasty tricks on me the past few days, and i need to clean the church tomorrow.

Tasia and I last fall

Oh one other thing that has been a disappointment. My locket chain broke this week, officially. I don't have the money to get a new one, so I am looking for solutions. I have worn it nearly every day since Vivian died. I know its rather silly to some, but it has been a huge comfort to me to have her with me at least in that way.

Good night.