Frusteration

Because I know not everyone who reads my blog is on face book, here is a picture of Vivian and I taken in the fall last year.


I talked with a lady from church yesterday, and due to my grief, I ended up sharing more with her than I meant to. she called today to make sure I wasn't going around telling everyone what I had shared and asked me to help calm others down if they were being to vocal, or sharing things too much about Vivian.She said it was better to honor Vivian by being calm and more still, or something of the sort. I didn't quite follow.

I have shared with a few, but only a few, and the pictures I had put up were supposed to be a comfort more than a proclamation of my friendship. Twice I stated that Vivian was MY best friend, not what she felt towards me, but that was in defense of two who attacked me for either not being part of the family or not working the two days I had off. It hurt.

The messages I sent to her children were only ones of encouragement, and they haven't been read yet. And two friends from face book have been chatting with me since the day of the accident helping me with a let out point. I admit that to these two I did bare my soul a bit more than with others, but it was due to their questions and kind reasoning. If I said anything amiss, it was merely out of my grief and the fuzziness my head was fighting the past few days.

I have a right to mourn! Yes I look forward to the resurrection and I should and will and do rejoice in this! But let me cry! let me mourn! Let me speak with found memories of that which was lost!

I had placed up two pictures that I had not wanted to share in the first place, but that I thought others might like, and they I took back to my heart. The rest stay, and shall. I will not let some little old lady with her own ideas of grief hurt my soul more than it already is. But yes, I will not announce my place holdings to the world. Why should I! We never said as much when she was a live! Why should I bare her secrets now in death? Others grieve and need to grieve with out feeling like someone else may be hurting more or feeling like they are hurting more. Yes I need support, but they do too, and I would never do anything to hurt anyone if I could help it.

To day for example I told a teenager whom Vivian was fond of that Vivian had told me she was sort of like a little sister to her. They were close, and she had never told her how she felt. I didn't wave the fact that Vivian I were best friends in her face! she left feeling special, loved and comforted.

Oh for a world where our words are not twisted about in the wind for others pleasure.

Day 5

The past five days I have been soul searching, cleansing and spending a lot of time in the bible and in prayer. I have found that I am at peace with her passing, as she will not have to face the evils of this world, nor that of the times that are coming. Yet I still find it hard to believe that her work is done and over.

I find it hard to believe that I will never get to cuddle or hug her again, to do random or very normal daily tasks, or give her the love and care she needed. She was such a blessing to me and filled a hole in my heart that has always been there, but never fully filled by anyone.

But even though she is gone, I do not feel empty. I still feel her inside, and as I remember, I can smile again.

No, my grieving is not past. I cried myself to sleep last night, and cried through my morning prayers, but thankfully my new task of praying for her children has helped me find a purpose. I ordered flowers today, and on the ribbon I asked them to write, Good bye, dearest friend. As you said " I'll see you soon". We look forward to that day. Christina and Kyrre. I have never bought flowers for a funeral before other than a single rose, but this time I needed too. I needed something from me to be with her. Perhaps that sound silly, but it was a comfort. I realize she will never see them, and that the display is more for the family and friends, but I needed to give her something. And yes, if this world lasts, I will place a flower on her birthday, and a candle at Christmas. At least I have a place to go if I need. 

I received a lovely email today about how heaven sees death, and I will be sitting down to read it this evening. If it is as comforting as it seems to be, I will ask permission to send it to her eldest son who is not handling this well.

I have to go back to work tomorrow. I hope I am able to function.