Last night I stumbled over a letter I wrote Vivian only a week after she had left for New Zealand. I had forgotten about it completely, so I read it. It didn't take me long before tears were streaming down my face. I cried, and even laughed.
I couldn't stop thinking about her all day today. I tried to switch my thoughts to other things, but it proved exhausting, so I just let myself think. I though about all sort of weird things. Things from, would things be the same if she were to come back to life which thankfully won't happen. She deserves her rest... to how are things going to go on the trip next week with her being gone. Its just all part of my process. Sometimes the devil I think tries to challenge things, to mess me up even more, but I just pray and cling to what I know.
I still miss her so terribly. I am so thankful for the hope I have, and the understanding I have, but the pain is still so deep, and the loneliness of her not being here is so deep that some times its overwhelming. I can't help but think it will be easier after this trip, and after the schools graduation, and after she is finally resting in her final resting place. I hate the fact that I can't go and place flowers on her grave yet, and maybe that is part of my problem. It just seems so unfinished some how. And just thnking aobut that got me thinking about when will it be? Who will be there... more importanly... will _I_ be able to be there when she is burried, or will I have to go later. Both ways will be good in their own respect. Alone I can be free to cry, free pour my heart out when I have held it back in silence so long.
Its so hard for me. So few know how our relationship was, and they do not understand. They hurt, and I tend to their pain the best I can, but no one yet has been able to touch the pain I have. I have turned my heart in the Gods hands, and he has helped me each and every time.
I also have a small amount of guilt, because I have shared more than If eel I should have with people. This isn't about me, and I never meant to make it about me. I just desperately needed someone to understand... I forgot that He is the one to talk to, he is the one who cares. And He knows how and with whom I should have been sharing.
I have found a couple of people who were and are willing to let me talk... to let me heal. And I am ever so grateful for their kindness. It is so hard when you have a love so deep that can't be shared about. It's going to take me time to adjust to all these new gifts and sensations that have come from Gods gift... the answer to my prayer after Vivian died... and I truly as of yet, do not understand why he gave me my prayer request, and how he expects me to use it. All I know is He did.
I have to imagine that Elisha felt something of the same kind of loss and confusion as he dealt with the same gift, only he knew why he asked for it. I don't know why I asked for it, but I craved it, and I begged for it. I decided that I must read through their story again, and then the live of Elisha after to find out how his gift was used.
I feel as if God has set me aside, hidden me behind a wall of safety my whole life for some special plan, and then all of a sudden that wall has fallen a way, at what seems to be my weakest point, and I am exposed, raw, and naked. Only... I am not afraid. I can see His hand working, its just so new, and uncertain. I can see pieces of the puzzle fitting into place... and its almost intimidating. Dreams He gave me years ago have come true, other more recent ones have showed he is still in control and leading, even though they were incredibly painful to experience both in the dream, and as they happened."Many things about tomorrow, I cant seem to understand. But I KNOW who holds tomorrow and I KNOW who holds my hand"
I do no know why losing
one of my two best friend ( my husband being my other best friend), the other half of my heart, was part of the plan, and I wish it didn't have to be this way, but I have to trust HE knows best. YAH is in control. And he WILL get me through not only the greife, but the healing, and he will also hold my hand as we travel the last pages of this earths history together.
HALLELU YAH
