Today, Jan 14, was a special day for me, in a rather hard way. Instead of wallowing in self pity, or allowing my head to go to sad or depressing thoughts, I chose to continue the thinking process I have had the past few days. I also chose to go to work, and even though I found it hard to stay focused, and even had to tell the woman in charge of the class room I was working in why I was a bit distracted, I feel it was therapeutic for me to do.
I even went back and updated and added to the My "simple" garden path blog post that I had written last February as I realized a lot of the things I had gone through and what they really meant.
These past 11 months have been quite trying on me, and I was looking back over them wondering what I have learned and how I have changed during the process.
I have learned the difference between sexual attraction, family love, brotherly love, and Agape in ways that I could never have imagined.
I have become stronger in what I believe, and in my search for truth.
I have become a stronger person as I have passed through this fiery time, and I as continue to pass through it.
I have learned that I do have a voice, and that I do have important things to say. I have learned that I do not need to put up with others bad thoughts, or words, or feelings nor do I need to care about them. They are living their own lives... let them wallow in what ever deep murky pit they choose to be in. However, I will be there for them when they decided to seek for help.
I have learned that I am worthy of love and affection, and that I should never withhold myself from one who is seeking friendship. I have learned that to do withhold myself can cause future pain and remorse as well.
I have learned that through sickness and pain I can also become more focused and determined.
I have learned that even a cat who does not show affection can see and understand grief and pain and changed to become a loving caring individual.
Most of all I have learned that God wants to be my best friend... to fill the loss that I have experienced and that when I allow him to reside in my heart others can see him through me.
I have learned that I can reach past the boundaries of my fear and touch the lives of others both physically and spiritually in ways I only dreamed and long to do before.
And I have learned that when one asks in desperation for something from God, even if they don't quite know what they are asking for, He will often give it, even if it something as powerful as a double portion of ones spirit.
I have learned many things, and I will continue to. My grief is still not completely over, but I am moving on in power and hope knowing God has a plan for my life, and that this pain I have been forced to endure will work in be to better my character for his glory.
