Friday night we had a final concert with the bible school students combined with the church choir. We started practice and warm ups at 5. Things went really well. After the warm ups, I went down and helped the kids get the fruit platters ready.
Just before the concert started upstairs to get my water bottle from the stage. I found that Vivian's mom was there, which was unexpected, and my my nerves skyrocketed. We were singing two songs that are hard to sing, one of them being the song we sang at Vivian's funeral, the other is a bible verse teaching about death and the resurrection. I had difficulty each time we sang it during practice, but I knew many people at the concert would also react on the words of the song as well as some of the remembering that one had been sung at the funneral. I greeted guests, including Vivian's mom, and was happy to see her joy at seeing me again. This is the third time in the last month, but we had never had a chance to really talk.
I was still a bit nervous, so I had prayer with one of the students. The concert went really well. Every one was enjoying it. But when we started to sing the last song my emotions took over. Many people in the audience had also started crying, and I had to take a quick break, for a bout 1 sentence, to calm my nerves before the finnal courus when I was needed for the high notes. I also felt dizzy and had to steady myself on the student next to me. I must admit I felt very ashamed. I have been in performances my whole life, but I have never ever had my emotions take over like that. I am just thankful that I didn't start crying as well.
After the concert I stuck around for a group photo, and waited to talk with Vivian's mom. Another church member was talking to her, and I finally had to interrupt as I had dinner date with a friend of mine. I hugged her as I always have, and then was shocked when she grabbed my hand and pulled my sleeve back revealing the watch she had given me. Have I mentioned the watch? It was Vivian's, the one she has worn most of the years I had known her. Her mom had given it to me a few months back ago as a reminder of Vivian and as a thankyou for all I had done and been for her.
Vivian's mom asked if it was the one.... and I said yes. She started to ask if I had used it everyday, but her eyes filled with tears, so I smiled and said yes. I have used it everyday. It was good to see the tears. She is so strong, and never showed her emotion under the funeral, and it was good to see that healing has been happening. She then asked me a rapid secession of questions, although rather cryptic as the church member had not left yet, to which I answered the best I could. I then excused myself as neither of us wanted to get into deeper things with others listening around.
Someone called me Vivian. I knew they meant me even though they said Vivian, but I was surprised that I turned around. I know I remind a lot of people of her now. It's not surprising really. When you spend a lot of time with someone, and you care deeply for them, you begin to pick up some of their habits.
We headed to my friends where we had a late night sabbath welcoming dinner. It is a traditional Jewish sabbath dinner, with braided bread and grape juice. The regular meal follows, but we kept it simple this time as we were eating late. Some of the guests did not arrive until 10 pm. We all sat around the table visiting until around 1 am. I enjoyed myself, as usual. This particular friend became my friend recently, and has been a wonderful support as I have been in my final stages of grieving as well as learning about the true bible holidays vers. the unbiblical ones. I have been in a bit of a turmoil over it all, but God has been leading, and I am certain his timing is perfect as usual. I have been studying this off and on for years, but now is the day, now is the time.
I must admit I am very nervous about the burial service of Vivian. I was promised earlier that I would be one of the few who would be allowed to come to the private service. The children have been "forced" to go through 2 funerals already, and my understanding is that the family wants to keep it very small and simple. I can understand and agree with this, but I desperately want to be there. I am also nervous, because I know that I have been affected by her death more than most, and I also know how I have been even in these past weeks. I wish I could say I am strong and can control my emotions as I have been in the past, but I can not with Vivian. My heart was broken and its not healed yet. And I know I will weep, not cry, weep. I happened over and over again at her funeral, and I managed to hide away, with the help of friends who understood and lent skirts to hide behind.
But I also know that if I am not able to go to the actually service, I can go after they leave and say my goodbyes in private where my heart can do as it chooses. So again, I leave this all in the hands of our great and marvelous God.
Sabbath morning the bible school had church service. It was translated from the pulpit, so I got a chance to rest. After church we headed out to the lake, at lunch, played games, sang songs, canoed, hiked, and just enjoyed each other company. I played and visited with the students all day, and it was wonderful to finally FINALLY feel like I belonged. It has taken a year and a half to feel that the staff have also accepted me, as the students change out each year. I still wish I had never had to quit that first year when I started, but I know that God also has plans for me. Maybe they are not with the school, maybe they are, but I will allow him to work.
After we all joined in a HUGE game of volley ball, 10 people on a a team, we headed down to the campfire for songs and a short sharing time. then we headed home. I forgot my shoes and had to head back to get them, after driving 15 mins, so we got home between 9 and 10. I took a hot shower, sat with a heat pack on my shoulder and then kyrre gave me a long massage to try to get the stiffness out of my neck. It had sat there for two days. Thankfully I woke this morning with it gone.
Today was rather simple. I woke up, made tea, wrote an email, made lunch, cleaned up the kitchen, went for a walk and now am writing this blog. Tomorrow I have my last knitting class of the season, and will go shopping for the Impact pack lunches. I plan to clean the house up in the next few days so its clean and ready when we get back from our trip.
It's been a good start to the week, and I am ever so thankful.
