Bread in the oven

I managed to get a loaf of sourdough bread in the oven to day. Still have dishes to do, but I can get them in a bit.

I have been doing well the past few days, but I am not entirely sure that is a good thing. I felt myself close up a bit last week after some comments that were made, and even though I do not want to, I think I have at least a little bit.

I have been trying to be upbeat and carry a smile when I am around my sister in law and the other coworker at the school. I managed Friday night when they came to visit. During church, which the pastor talked about Vivian and talked about deeper veiws on death, and how to grieve, and yet still be able to go on without breaking down.

 I had cried once, before the sermon. Its frustrating when people forget that I work at the school. The other two teachers were getting sympathies, and I was forgotten. I wasn't jealous, but it hurt to remember that Vivian was always the one reminding people of the fact and making sure I was included in the work family.

Then during the sermon my tears welled up and as desperately as I tired to control them, I couldn't. It took nearly five min, to gain control, but I thankfully had a small boy on my lap playing with my phone, so I hid behind him, helped him color his pictures. My sister in law saw and put her arm around me. She cried too, and I held her hand with my free one.

I think it was a good thing for her to see. She challenged my husband when he told her how close Vivian and I had been. I never would have told her that, and I was rather upset at him for telling someone who would have been very sensitive to feeling like I was trying to be more important in a grieving process. But as she did challenge it, I think that it being a week later, and the fact that I am still crying should tell someone how deeply I hurt, but as I have said before I am trying to be there for others needs. To smile, and laugh and remind people of who Vivian was. But I feel that it could be mistaken for lack of grief too.

I still wake up in the night, but the times are fewer in between. I was allowed to take the two gifts I had given her home, and somehow that helped.

I realize that you, who may be reading this, may tire of my feelings and the emotions I am dealing with. That's fine with me. I just need to process, and to know that someone could be reading them.

I miss her. Part of me is still in denial. I still feel in part of my heart that she is only gone, that she is coming back. But I know that she won't at the same time. I bought her flowers, or rather ordered them. The family announced at church that they don't want people buying flowers, and that they should rather donate the money to the school. I can't do that. I have to say goodbye. I donate my time to the school. She can have a small token of my affection, my love, and my goodbye. She would have told me I was silly, and shouldn't have. I would  have just laughed and said yes I should have.

She gave me so much in her time, her love, and in what she taught me. It was natural for me to want to express my gratitude and love back. I had planned to give her a birthday gift when she got home, now I will lay it on her grave instead. It will be lovely, with her favorite colors, and the fresh touches of spring which is just around the corner. A reminder that soon oh so soon we will walk the streets in heaven together, when Jesus comes to claim us for his own.

A new view

Today the most extraordinary thing happened to me. I woke 4 or five times during the night thinking about Vivian, and decided it must mean her children, who were attending her funeral in New Zealand must be having a rough time and prayed for them. I woke about 15 mins before my alarm went off, again prayed for them before rising to go about my morning.

I wore a pair of black jeans and a white and black sweater, cotton, which happens to be one of my favorites. I then ate a small breakfast, packed a lunch and headed off to work. I cried on the way to work, while singing and praying, and made it to work 30 mins early, which was planned. I wanted to hit the ground running and show extra effort to my boss, who is always at work an hour on Thursdays before heading to her second store.

A few supplies were needed for the day, so I volunteered, and walked down the the shop praying for strength to get through the day. The ladies at work asked me gently about my loss, and wanted to know who it was as they had all lived in this area most of their lives. They were shocked, saddened when they found out who it was. through out the course of the day I shared bits and pieces to answer the questions.

But the part that really touched me was at lunch, I noticed for the first time that each and every one of my coworkers had worn black. not just a shirt or pants, but nearly completely black.  I was amazed and comforted. I do not think they planned this, but even if they did it was such a nice gesture and very unexpected. Even the lady that only works Thursday closing, whom I only see once a week wore black.

It was very clear to me, that even though I am only an intern there at the shop, it would appear by today's events that they think highly of me. Its not everyday that one wears the outfit of morning when a coworkers friend has died.

I read through the sermon I got in the email yesterday, and have a whole new picture on death. It is so encouraging, so beautiful, and comforting. I never before saw death as a beautiful thing, unless one had been suffering from illness. But to see how God views his sleeping saints brought more tears to my eyes, and the pain around my heart vanished. I still felt a weight on my chest, and I was still fuzzy in my head and un-concentrated, but the pain was gone. I grieve yes, for I still will not be able to hug her, touch her and smile and laugh with her, but to her.... only a month passed since she last saw me. And when she awakens, at some point in heaven, we will find each other and can once again be the best of friends.







 I ran across a pita bread recipe, which  have posted below. have been trying to make these for years and plan to make them next week. Maybe you would like to give it a try?

http://www.thefreshloaf.com/recipes/pitabread

Frusteration

Because I know not everyone who reads my blog is on face book, here is a picture of Vivian and I taken in the fall last year.


I talked with a lady from church yesterday, and due to my grief, I ended up sharing more with her than I meant to. she called today to make sure I wasn't going around telling everyone what I had shared and asked me to help calm others down if they were being to vocal, or sharing things too much about Vivian.She said it was better to honor Vivian by being calm and more still, or something of the sort. I didn't quite follow.

I have shared with a few, but only a few, and the pictures I had put up were supposed to be a comfort more than a proclamation of my friendship. Twice I stated that Vivian was MY best friend, not what she felt towards me, but that was in defense of two who attacked me for either not being part of the family or not working the two days I had off. It hurt.

The messages I sent to her children were only ones of encouragement, and they haven't been read yet. And two friends from face book have been chatting with me since the day of the accident helping me with a let out point. I admit that to these two I did bare my soul a bit more than with others, but it was due to their questions and kind reasoning. If I said anything amiss, it was merely out of my grief and the fuzziness my head was fighting the past few days.

I have a right to mourn! Yes I look forward to the resurrection and I should and will and do rejoice in this! But let me cry! let me mourn! Let me speak with found memories of that which was lost!

I had placed up two pictures that I had not wanted to share in the first place, but that I thought others might like, and they I took back to my heart. The rest stay, and shall. I will not let some little old lady with her own ideas of grief hurt my soul more than it already is. But yes, I will not announce my place holdings to the world. Why should I! We never said as much when she was a live! Why should I bare her secrets now in death? Others grieve and need to grieve with out feeling like someone else may be hurting more or feeling like they are hurting more. Yes I need support, but they do too, and I would never do anything to hurt anyone if I could help it.

To day for example I told a teenager whom Vivian was fond of that Vivian had told me she was sort of like a little sister to her. They were close, and she had never told her how she felt. I didn't wave the fact that Vivian I were best friends in her face! she left feeling special, loved and comforted.

Oh for a world where our words are not twisted about in the wind for others pleasure.

Day 5

The past five days I have been soul searching, cleansing and spending a lot of time in the bible and in prayer. I have found that I am at peace with her passing, as she will not have to face the evils of this world, nor that of the times that are coming. Yet I still find it hard to believe that her work is done and over.

I find it hard to believe that I will never get to cuddle or hug her again, to do random or very normal daily tasks, or give her the love and care she needed. She was such a blessing to me and filled a hole in my heart that has always been there, but never fully filled by anyone.

But even though she is gone, I do not feel empty. I still feel her inside, and as I remember, I can smile again.

No, my grieving is not past. I cried myself to sleep last night, and cried through my morning prayers, but thankfully my new task of praying for her children has helped me find a purpose. I ordered flowers today, and on the ribbon I asked them to write, Good bye, dearest friend. As you said " I'll see you soon". We look forward to that day. Christina and Kyrre. I have never bought flowers for a funeral before other than a single rose, but this time I needed too. I needed something from me to be with her. Perhaps that sound silly, but it was a comfort. I realize she will never see them, and that the display is more for the family and friends, but I needed to give her something. And yes, if this world lasts, I will place a flower on her birthday, and a candle at Christmas. At least I have a place to go if I need. 

I received a lovely email today about how heaven sees death, and I will be sitting down to read it this evening. If it is as comforting as it seems to be, I will ask permission to send it to her eldest son who is not handling this well.

I have to go back to work tomorrow. I hope I am able to function. 

Day 4

A wise "virgin" who now sleeps waiting for her Lords return

I am doing much better today, although my chest feels like I have a weight on it and my heart has given me stings now and then. I cried this morning several times before 12, so I stayed home from work. It wasn't a problem as my boss was not expecting me before Thursday anyway.

For any of you reading who have not gotten my emails, or notices, my best friend died on sabbath.

I have been in a horrible shock, and pain that I have never before experienced and is overwhelming. I actually had to stop and go through the past few days with kyrre as I couldn't remember what I had done. I had not forgotten, I have just been in such a fog that I couldn't remember.

Today I got on face book and went through students pictures and her kids pictures and found ones i didn't have to add to my collection. One fact stood out. Because I was not able to go with them on the trips, and when I did i was in the kitchen, there were no pictures where we were together, let alone in the same room. It made it feel like I didn't know her at all, and that hurt. I managed to find 4 more pictures in my own files that had kyrre and I and she together, and I put them out. It was for me, really. No one else cares that I was not in pictures with her.

The arrangements are falling into place for her funeral. Thankfully the kids and her mother will not have to pay for any of the service other than what flowers they would like. I also looked at flowers today. I hate the fact that they are so expensive to have arrangements done, so Kyrre and i are trying to find an arrangement that is a decent price and doesn't look like I went down to the local drug store to get them.

I have been hurting and crying so much that kyrre is afraid I am going to have a long term illness or heart condition from it. I told him I do not believe that to be the case as I have hope in the resurrection, but I am so empty at the same time. Vivian also had this same hope and developed a heart pain after her father died, but he was family so I will just watch myself and see. I am fairly certain the heart pains are from grief and the fact that i have not been able to eat very much, and have kept my self very busy at the same time.

The next few weeks and months will be the hardest as the students come back, and we try to keep the school running for the rest of the school year.  I would not be surprised if they ask me to step in as her sub, and I will be willing to do that.

I miss her. I still feels unreal some times as she was gone for a month before she died, so it kinda feels the same. I still wake up each morning with her in my mind, so instead of praying for her as my habit was, I have decided to pray for her kids, which I will do from here on out. I am not their mother, but at least the will still have someone motherly praying for them.

I don't want to cry again right now, so I am not going to do any journaling on the past few days, or on her. I have been chatting and emailing people stories and things, so I have been collecting those. I also have the last 3 letters I wrote her here at the house, and I am hoping to get the rest from the boys when they clean her room.

Its hard to remember that when I am hurting as much as I am that others may be hurting worse. Seems hard to believe, but I am sure it is true. and if they are not hurting more or even the same, they are still hurting. She touched so many lived in the 7 or 8 years she was here that it is completely mind blowing. They are actually going to have to send hand invites to dinner that follows. I will be helping serve as her mother asked me. I won't be able to sing, so at least that I can do. I wish I could sing for her, for those hurting, but I hurt when others hurt and I cry when others cry, so it makes it hard to sing at funerals.

I am tired. heading to bed.

g'night

Blogg acess

I have been struggling for the past few weeks trying to remember or access my blog! I realize it has been months since my last post, but so many things had been going on in my life that I barely managed a journal let alone get on and blog. For this I am truly sorry.

There is not much I can say to catch you up other than the fact that I have taken up geo cashing, joined a choir. made a new friend, found an internship and decided to vouleenter at a school one day a week. So, as I said, I have been pretty busy! However things are starting to settel out a bit, so i will try to keep things up to date here.


Here is a picture of the first trackable we found duing one of our geocash missions. Can't wait for the weather to get better so we can get back out there!

Cheers!