A cat on my arm makes typeing hard

It's been a while since I have blogged. I have thought about it many times, but sometimes knowing others read what I write can be a bit daunting. but today, I am just writing for me, and allowing you to read.


I would say not much has happened, and that is partially true. The students came back, the end of march, and headed out for another two week trip. We picked them up and dropped them off, making the airport parking attendant mad as we took nearly 20 mins to load the 22 people and luggage in to the two vans. It wasn't entirely our fault. They only have a paid parking place near the airport, and we hadn't been given money for the parking. The only other option was making the 22 students and staff walk 20 mins to the free parking area, at midnight, and then try to load them all up. As it was we got back home at 2am.

During the Easter work break, Kyrre and I traveled down to spend the weekend with our niece and nephew. It was a nice visit, but the two are wild animals half of the time, and I got bit, in the thigh, once... which nearly resulted in the child getting slapped. Thankfully I was able to stay my downward swinging hand.

Work has been doing well. Three weeks ago I started teaching a knitting class Thursday nights to an ever changing group of female immigrants. This group will be here another two weeks, as they are here for about 2 months before heading to their final destination, and are between the ages of 15 and 22, if I should guess. They are not used to talking about ages.

Probably the worst thing that has happened, is that Vivian's mother is still being pestered with phone calls. She was used to getting only calls from Vivian and a few others, but now she gets them constantly. I know this is an exaggeration, as the times I have been over to visit, the phone has rung... once?

But the weekend I was heading out for Easter I called her to see if her plans had changed, and to say hi. I didn't reach her so I had called her boyfriend just to see if she had gone away fro the weekend and to pass on the message that I had not found out if someone she was not interested in seeing was coming to church or not.

The following Wednesday I went to deliver food to her from the school, and decided to call first. I didn't reach her, so I called 2 more times that evening and gave up telling Kyrre he could have the soup for lunch the next day. On my way to work I called. When she didn't answer for the 4th time, I swung by her place to see if I could see she was up and around. When I couldn't see any sign of moment, I called the head deaconess at our church to see if she had talked with her. she said she would try to call her and would let me know if things were amiss. A few moments later I got a call from Vivian's mom.

she was furious with me. She opened the conversation with... I think we should stop calling each other. I am fine, and you should not be so worried.

I explained the calls, and the situation, and managed to get her calmed down. She then told me about being tired from all the calls and saying she needed a break, so I agreed not to call for a while. That was two weeks ago, and I still haven't found the heart in me to try to call her. I have an email for her from her grand daughter, as she doesn't use the computer, so I will have to call next week and give it to her, but I have to admit I am nervous. I know she took out her frustration on me, and that I didn't do anything wrong, but it still makes me feel bad. Many of us are concerned for her, as she is alone now and has some pretty major health issues. Her grand kids and her daughter, before she died, have/had asked me to keep an eye on her. She had been asking me to visit and ding the calling, but I still felt I needed to give her the space she asked for. Hopefully next week will go ok. I'll will just deliver the email, and leave... break the ice again as it were.

I was thinking about it today when I printed off the email, and it upset me. Which didn't help the evening. The students were presenting about their trip to Honduras, and I was distracted. I kept feeling like Vivian was there, or maybe it was me missing her being there. But I went up stairs and found a place to be alone and cried.

Then at the close of the evening the girls sang a closing song, and one of the boys played he guitar. I was find until I looked at him... and I had to get up and leave. I had tried to ignore the fact that Vivian's voice was gone from the group, but somehow having her not be behind the guitar, and having it be a student, a male student, made the fact even worse. Even the translator had been different. It was all too much. I headed into the kitchen to hide and try to control my emotions.... but one of the boys, was there. He came over and put his arm around me shoulders. I knew that fighting it back would make it harder to stop, so I just turned and cried into his shoulder ( he is over 6 ft) and calmed down and quickly as I could. I then cleaned up headed back out in the candle lit dining area where it would be harder to see I had been crying.

I miss her so much. I know there will be moments like that still, and that it will get easier to bear, but I have to admit I was embarrassed to start crying in front of the students. Thankfully only one saw.

Last night I worked til 9, which meant I had today off. I needed to clean the church and go to my physical therapist, and I planned to get up early and go... but I was hurting, and when the children up stairs got up and started playing their radio at 5 am ( ok ok it was 7, but when you have a day off and want to cuddle in with your hubby if FEELS like 5) I just rolled over and cuddled in and decided that if  I get pregnant, we HAVE To move before our little ones learn from their example.

I need to stop now, my cat is standing on my arm, making typing very very hard.

I want a hot coco. Is that wrong?

Turing something ugly and painful into something beautiful

   The last Sabbath before Vivian left for New Zealand, we had communion services at church. I had known about it the week before, as had she, and I had been praying that we could participate in the foot washing together. That Sabbath, I had a fight with my husband at church moments before we were to go down for the foot washing. I felt horrible, and I did not feel I was in the proper spirit to serve Vivian, so I took Kyrre’s dad down to the mens section, and waited in the kitchen to take him back up stairs.

Upon seating him next to Vivian’s son, and returning with my things, Vivian pounced me verbal. “Where were you! I was waiting for you and looking for you but I didn't find you! Where were you!” I could see the tears she was fighting back, even though she was trying to be playful. And when I turned to answer her my tears were also sitting in my eyes. She immediately pulled back in shock.

I left had to rush to the bathroom to cry. To be truthfully I sobbed. I was already ashamed at fighting with Kyrre, and at church, and had dismissed the little voice in my head saying Vivian was looking for me reasoning it away with, "Why would she be looking for me?"

I knew it was a lie to myself. Of course she was looking for me and belittling to myself to even think such thoughts, but it was what I thought. And now, twice in the same week, I had disappointed my friend. She had come by work that Thursday to see me, and I had left 10 mins early to run an errand that had suddenly come up. After church, and later that night, I explained to her what had happened and she had forgiven me. She had told me another lady had come down a bit late and didn't have a partner, so she had washed her feet.

I thought that was the end of the story. But it wasn't.

Two Sabbaths ago we had communion. I saw the lady Vivian had served in tears, and I knew she remembered the last time she had been with Vivian. Later, during the time we had sharing, she got up in tears and told the story of how that particular Sabbath she was depressed, hurting in her body, and was in desperate need of human caring. She told how Vivian and come to her and asked to serve her, and she had accepted. And she told how she had felt healed in body and mind after the service. She had written a poem which she sent to Vivian later that week and she shared it with us.

I nearly cried. To think that God took my ugly fight, one that I should not have had, and turned it in to a beautiful blessing for one of his hurting children. I know Vivian was thinking that too as I had told her about the fight and what it had involved. I am just touched that she also found out how God changed this around before she died, and that the lady she served, even though she does not know the reason why, was the recipient of Gods blessings.

Monday...

         I have been quiet the past few days. Partly this is due to the fact that I had no idea what to write about, and partly I have been in thought after some comments I got after my last post. If I had thought about it, I did have plenty to write about, I just thought it was rather boring.

         Today I woke rather discouraged. I had dreamed I was present when Vivian's body was found, and that I had been the one who was trying to revive her. It's amazing how dreams can feel so real. Smells like the salt water in the air, the feel of the cold wetness of water still dripping from ones body, the sand under ones feet, the feel of her hand as I cradled it to my cheek, or the coldness her forehead as I kissed her goodbye. I felt as if I had been there, in a way, and I truly understood what her kids had had to go through that day.

          But I forced myself out of bed, and forced the sicking feeling in my gut a way, jumped in to clothes, made myself something warm to drink, ate and visited with my husband as he drove me to work.

          Work was rather fun today. Nothing interesting happened, it just ran smoothly. We waited on customers that came, I cut out more shirts for the bunads we are making. My boss asked if I wanted to take 2 hours a week and teach new immigrants how to knit. Its not paid through the store, and I told her I would think about it while she found out if I could. There was something about them wanting a Norwegian, and she was not sure if an American, living here permanently would work. But that, with the two cleaning jobs I have, a few hours every other week, and once every other month, would give me a little extra pocket money.

         Last Wednesday my cat, Tasia had a doctors appointment. The doctor said she was in good health, but that her smell issue was probably caused by jumping from high places.We had rearranged the house 1 year ago, roughly, and it was about the same time my cat started having the issue in the first place. This meant rearranging the house again, which we did. Once I got home that night. It took all evening, and we had lots that we didn't manage to get back into place. and still haven't. I had planned to do it over the weekend, but plans changed.

       A friend text ed me in tears late Friday. She had been a student of Vivian, and one week after Vivian died her grandfather had also passed away under questionable circumstances. She was handling it all well enough until she had a fight with her boyfriend and she broke. So I dropped everything, and invited her up for the weekend in my messy house. She didn't care, and we had a blast. We talked things out, watched movies, I knitted, and she crocheted.

     The students came home Friday, and left a gain today for a two week trip to Germany. I and Kyrre had to drive them down to the airport as the whole group, teachers and all, were going. The vans could have stayed at the airport, but it was cheaper to drive there and back, and there again to pick them up when they return. It took longer than I anticipated, and after leaving at 2:30, we didn't arrive back home until 6 pm.The trip was hard for me, but I was glad I took it. There are going to be a lot of first times with out Vivian, and I would prefer to get them over quickly so the pain part is over, and I can have the good memories. I miss her terribly, but I am trying to face each time I know will be difficult with a smile. I allow myself to think of the hard part for a few mins before it happens, and as it happens, then dismiss it and try to focus on the here and now, but there will always be moments where my hear hurts, or my eyes tear up. Like when I saw the student Vivian and I teased a lot. The three of us had been friends for 6 years, and it was a bit odd having her as a student, so we played with each other, the three of us, a bit more than we normally would other students. She was happy to see me too, and it was wonderful to hug someone who truly understood and needed someone to understand her.

And now I have to tackle my kitchen. I seriously wish I could just throw everything out and buy it new as it would be faster, and much less stressful, but that would be wasteful. I am just very tired and honestly don't care at this exact moment in time. But I put the dishes off last night, so I can' really blame anyone but myself.

I have decided that I am tired of having the same foods. I have some how gotten myself in a rut. We have been eating lots of stir fry, pretty much the same each time, pasta, again pretty much the same, and other variations of rice. I am a much better cook than that, and I am surprised that I have gotten bored with food! I guess I have just not been using my imagination, or trying hard enough. I am planning lentils for tomorrow. I know that sounds every day, but its been ages since I made them, and a good pot sound good about right now. I even bought celery last week! The problem I have been having lately, is that what sounds good today, and I prepare for tomorrow, nearly gags me the next. I have no idea why as I am not at all a picky eater. I have just been having a hard time enjoying food of any kind lately.

I have also been working on my sourdough. I found a book a while back on kindle that had three old world sourdough recipes in it. one of them is almost exactly the same as the one I had used in the states, so I have been working on getting it up and running. its exciting to see it in action.

Ok I have procrastinated enough. Toodles!

Something to think about

Tired and overly comtemplative

There are moments about my job that drive me crazy. One of them is that there are time I get way too much time to think. It was that way yesterday and today. Yesterday we got a huge supply of buttons in, worth a 2 months pay  for a normal paid job, and I had fun today and yesterday sorting them and putting them into place. I must say that i didn't manage to get the button section sorted the way I would have liked, as we do not have the space, but it was fun to play with all the new buttons and see all the colors.

Today i finished sorting them and then unpacked our 5 or 6 boxes of yarn. Both jobs gave me way too much quiet time in thoughts.

My thoughts turned yesterday to Vivian, and the school. Today my thoughts turned to the school and work. Its rather discouraging to me that I am working at two jobs that love me, but neither can really ford me. The bible school doesn't know what they would do with me if I was working there. The store wants me and knows exactly what they would do with me, but they can not afford another worker. They already have one too many, and the older ladies won't be retiring for a few years.

I think the bible school is the worst. It's hard to know what I have been doing wrong, or what I have not been presenting in order for them, I am referring to the remaining staff and perhaps even the board,  to not see me as a good fit. Vivian told me several times, quite forcefully, that I was now a member of the family and to not feel in the way, or out of place, ever. I often did. I didn't feel like I fit, no matter how hard I tried.

Now I feel the same again. A position is open, but they do not see me as a good fit. I can agree perhaps with the long term as they need a health teacher, but I thought there were other things I could have done. It seems that all they really want me for is extra work. Work that is important yes, but I have a hard time understanding why the student workers or even the students are not being asked to do that. The work is something I have a hard time seeing as being a staffs responsibility.

I realize we are still very soon after the schools loss, and we are all still reeling from it, but we only have a few more weeks till the students come back. Vivian's classes are going to be covered by one of the students who has a been taking special classes the past months, and the other staff are going to be caring her secretarial side of things. Her impact job is already covered.

I am happy for that yes, but I am sitting once a gain in a position where I have no idea what to do.  I only have four more months I can have the internship I have now, and I haven't the faintest idea what or where I should go, or do. I hate the idea of sending out job applications as I feel I am some how giving up on working at the school. I also know that most of the jobs I am applying for will not even consider me, or I am not qualified for.

 Two years now I have been looking for full time work, and all the time I have been praying I have believed, and still do believe, that God wants me at the bible school. I just can't understand how its supposed to happen. I am even now starting to wonder if it will.

I just feel like I have been at the cross roads for a long time. I thought I had moved on when I took this internship and started volunteering at the school. but now if feels like i have been walking in place when I thought I was heading down the path.

The last day of "peace"

Fall 2012, my home made hat

This past month has been one roller coaster of a month. I love roller coasters, unless I happen to get unlucky that day and end up sick to my stomach, which is not as often as it used to be. However this roller coaster has not  been fun.

For me, the month started two weeks before that with a series of 3 dreams, which i fear are to private for me to post here. But it cast a sense of foreboding over my life, it which I began to pray in earnest. I have often wondered why those prayers went unheard, but someday I will see that they weren't, and I will see how they were in fact the exact prayers that were needed at that time.

Then I had the next few weeks, which I have written about here. Things  I have not talked about, to my knowledge, were the phone calls and visits to Vivian's mom the day of and the few days after the accident. There are other things, things that angered me that I can not write here, things having to do with conversations and peoples actions in her family that I will journal else where perhaps.

There were the day the kids asked us over for dinner, and we watched the final sermon and pictures from her trip to New Zealand. There was the sabbath lunch and play time where it was obvious her kids had bonded with me in a way they had never done before, and the hours I spent with her daughter as she started going through her moms room, and packing up her own things for her trip to her new school.


There was the reaction to the family when, by accident, the dreams were revealed. All of these left me dizzy, and out of control.


And there is my own grief and the swinging of my moods. The past few days have made me feel nearly as if I had never really known her. Not that I believe that, but it is such a stark contrast against the waves of tears and weakness, heat pains and despair I had the first two weeks of after her death and then again the days surrounding her funeral. I know it is not wrong. It is wonderful that I can smile again, that I can listen to her music and see her on recording or in pictures with out bursting in to tears. I still have a fog in my head, and some times I still space off, or need things repeated, but it is so different that it almost feels wrong too.

Summer trip 2007

 But there have been two other very huge things that have happened on the world front that I have not mentioned at all. Only a few days after Vivian died, a gigantic fire ball fell over Moscow and burst into three parts hitting Moscow and 2 other cities. they say if it had not split, that Moscow would have been destroyed.

And then there is the fact that the pope is abdicating his thrown and a new one will be crowned before this coming weekend is out.

These two facts alone, and in my life put together with Vivian's early death only plants deeper in my heart the fact that we are near the end. Today is what I believe the last true day of peace. I think it will take time before others have also understood this, and it will be announced "peace peace" but it will be all lies.

Health Expo, 2007

In a way I envy Vivian. She is asleep. She is unaware of the changes going on around her. She won't have to see her loved ones suffer the elements as the world begins to slowly tear itself apart both from nature and from human devising. She will rest waiting for Gods return.


I have just noticed the clock, and my Tasia, ( my female cat) has decided that I need to go to bed now. I agree. It's nearly the weekend, but I am tired. My arthritis has been playing nasty tricks on me the past few days, and i need to clean the church tomorrow.

Tasia and I last fall

Oh one other thing that has been a disappointment. My locket chain broke this week, officially. I don't have the money to get a new one, so I am looking for solutions. I have worn it nearly every day since Vivian died. I know its rather silly to some, but it has been a huge comfort to me to have her with me at least in that way.

Good night.

The day part 2

 Tuesday night, the 19th of Februruary, I went home from work tired. My co-workers had been very understanding that day, which was good, as I could barely think. I made it home, made supper, ate 1/3rd of mine, then headed out the door. We had a 6 pm appointment to decorate the hall we had rented for Vivian's memorial dinner.

After arriving, we all pushed tables around for a while, waiting for a final desiciion to be made. After nearly an hour, I got fed up with the argueing and rearrangeing and started orginizing the others to help me set the tables. By the time the other two teachers had decided where the wanted the table for the family, we were nearly done.

I was amazed at how fast and efficiently it went, seeing as at two separate occasions people grinned at me, patted me on the shoulder and commented on the fact that I couldn't think at all. I couldn't. I could not remember the names of half the people there. The only thing driving me was the thought that the hall needed to be perfect. By the end of the evening everyone was asking me where I wanted things, if I was pleased with how it looked, and so forth. I wasn't even the one in charge for the event! I went over everything so many times, I probably looked like I was walking in circles.  I moved flowers here and there, until finally I realized that things could not be better and I should go home to bed.  Before I left, I stood in the doorway and looked over the room. One of the ladies, the head deaconess of our church, came over and stood next to me and said, almost reverently, Vivian would be proud of your work Christina. She would have loved it. All I could say was , I hope so.

Good night dearest friend. As you said, "I'll see you soon". We look forward to that day. Christina and Kyrre

 I could not get to sleep that night. I think it was nearly 1am before I finally closed

my eyes and slept. I woke early,  showered and tried to find food. It didn't work. On the way to the funeral, Kyrre stopped and bought something simple, which I managed to eat half of. The funneral was not until 12:30, but the youth choir was practicing a song at 11. I had refused to sing a solo number for either the funneral or the memorial dinner, and I did not know the songs my choir was singing that day, so I decided I should try to sing in the youth choir. Both Vivians mom and her youngest son were disapointed I was not singing, so I felt I needed to try.

I walked into the memorial hall to check all was in order, then headed over to the church to help set out reserved signs for the family and main choir. When I walked in I saw Vivian's coffin. I felt like a brick wall and swung down from the ceiling and collided with me. I turned and nearly ran out of the church. Thankfully I have an internship at the store across the road, so I walked over there and walked around for a few mins. They asked why I was there on my day off, and when I had the funeral, and I told them I had just waked into the church and needed to escape for a few mins. They smiled, and then let me be until I was ready to go. I walked back to the church, and this time made it up to the flowers. I was fighting back rolls of emotions, but with the deaconesses help, I found mine and read the note. It was lovely. But I then turned and found a quiet place in the back of the church, on the steps and cried until i was able to control myself again. I cried so many times that day, but thankfully managed to do so in areas where not  a lot of people were around.

The service was lovely. I greeted Vivian's mom before, then sat down behind the choir as close as I could to both Vivian's coffin and the family. There were so many songs. We talked about Vivian's life, I learned a few things I didn't know, and then the sermon itself were bible texts taken from her own bible. The pastor had borrowed it and found passages she had underlined.

At the close of the program, I managed to get up and sing with the choir. Many who had heard the choir practice, which I was not able to be a part of, came up to me afterwards and told me it was wonderful that I could join them. They said that I carried the choir, and it was so much better with me being there. Vivian's mom had also seen me go up and join the choir. Although she didn't comment on it, she had been smiling at me as we sang.

After the choir sang, they carried Vivian out. I managed to move to where I was in the front row near her as they took her out, and I followed the family out. We stood around the car, and then the drove her away. She had to be cremated, due to the fact that her dad was only buried a year ago. So we will be putting her in the ground come spring.

Two friends of mine came, both had known Vivian, one as a student, one just in passing. The one in passing told me that she had come just for me, as she knew what it was like to lose a best friend, and she knew I would be trying to keep a good face as I was working at the school. She knew I would be trying to comfort the others and would need someone to comfort me. She met me at the door of the church after the service was over.

We had over 300 people come to the funeral, and over 200 that came to the dinner. Both numbers were higher than we had anticipated. Thankfully we had made enough food, but sitting room was a bit scarce. Lots of people sang, told memories of Vivian, and shared pictures.

During the slide show, presentation, I was holding a baby. He had lunged at me as his parents passed by, so I picked him up and played with him. I started to cry about half way through, and looked down at the baby to see he was ok. He stared up at me with little concerned eyes, and then slowly reached up with his little 6 month (?) old hand and placed it on my cheek. He held it there staring into my eyes until I started to smile. Then he grinned and went back to playing in my arms. 

After the dinner, I helped pass the flowers out to the helpers, then take the larger ones to place on Vivian's dads grave. It looked so lovely. It was cold for 4 days, so the flowers would have held there from and color for a while.

I had to let some older ladies in to the school, and we ended up sitting there talking until 10, or 10:30. At one point one of Vivian's scarves ended up on my lap. I was so over whelmed by her smell that everyone in the room vanished .I couldn't hear or see anyone. I picked the scarf up and held it to my face and breathed deeply. It was wonderful to smell her again. I had always loved the way she smelled, and even funnier still, she loved the way I smelled to. She said I smelled like the best friend she had had as a child.  The memory broke, however, when I heard a whisper from the far side of the room.  Vivians second eldest whispered to his sister, "What is she doing?" To which I heard Julia reply, "It smelles like mom!"

I was embarrassed. I would never had done that in a room full of people, but as I said, they had all faded a way and I had forgotten they were even there. I asked Julia about it a few days later, and she said that he had just thought it was funny, not weird. He had seen his sister smelling his moms things, but he was surprised to see someone else doing it, even a close friend like me. 

After church we ate lunch with the family, and youth from the church. then we went out playing in the snow. It was clear that Vivians youngest two kids have bonded with me. We played now and then when they were here before, but this day we were playing constantly, grabbing up the other kids in our play. They were over joyed to see me each time I came, and Julia even said that she sees so much of her mom in me, that it felt like she wasn't gone some times. For me, having them here has made it easier to face that she was no longer here.

Today they left. It was hard to see them taking things out of her room, and to see them pack themselves into the car and pull away. Two of them will be gone for a year.

The one positive thing about the day, was that Vivians choir dress fit me. I had not received mine yet, so I sent an email to the choir informing them that I had now received mine. It is wonderful to have a few things of hers to remember her by. I miss her so much, and I know I will always miss her, but I am so thankful that some day I will be able to hold her in my arms again.